


Wherever he goes, I go

by Writerofthelorde



Category: The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Adopted Children, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Continuation, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort, Cuddles, Cute, Din Djarin Needs a Hug, Din needs to figure out who he is, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Force Healing (Star Wars), Found Family, Good Parent Din Djarin, Hurt Din Djarin, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Long first chapter, Luke is suffering as a teacher, Nightmares, Parenthood, Post Season 2, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Din Djarin, Reunion, Sad with a Happy Ending, Single Parent Din Djarin, Soft Din Djarin, eventually, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 49,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29221215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writerofthelorde/pseuds/Writerofthelorde
Summary: When Din returned to Nevarro with Cara he avoided everyone immediately. Even Cara and Greef. He spent hours and hours in the old covert refusing to deal with anything other than the misery he felt inside. After coming to terms with the fact that he had lost everything he cared about in the span of a few days… he had to learn how to deal… which was not what he was doing.When Grogu left with Luke, or rather, without Din… he became inconsolable. He couldn’t sleep, refused to learn, and even became reluctant to eat.When Luke took Grogu away, he had to learn how to deal with a kid who refused to listen to him, refused to try to move on, and refused to stop throwing tantrums… He used the force to fight him, and though he was learning something, it definitely wasn’t supposed to be how to fight your teacher.Perhaps there was a way to fix all three of their problems with one, simple decision.Maybe, just maybe, Din could… join them?
Relationships: Din Djarin & Grogu | Baby Yoda
Comments: 72
Kudos: 150





	1. The Rescue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❤️❗ If you don't want to relive the finale episode you can start at chapter 2 ❗❤️
> 
> Rated for occasional violence and alcohol abuse.
> 
> The story starts off with Din in Nevarro after the events of season 2, he remembers the rescue mission and has thoughts on certain things. Plus I’ve added a few scenes that I would’ve loved to see. *cough* like a reunion *cough*
> 
> From then on we see Din dealing with his loss and coming to terms with how he sees Grogu. He visits some old friends to figure out how to deal, and what parts of his cult he wants to remember or forget.
> 
> Also we see Grogu dealing with being without Din, with learning about the force but not having his dad around to tell him he’s proud of him, with nightmares and trouble sleeping… and more.
> 
> And we see Luke dealing with a grumpy Grogu who refuses to learn anything because his dad is not with him.  
> Spoilers: Fluff and happiness will come. Eventually.

Din made his way across the hallway and into the bathroom. He hadn’t showered in a week. The past week he had spent here on Nevarro, aimlessly walking around, avoiding people, sleep, food and showers. Not that any of the voices who spoke to him registered...

The only reason he was now finally making his way over to the showers was because there was a thick layer of mud and sand stuck to his clothes and the beskar. If he had to take it all off, might as well take a shower…

His mind was elsewhere. Both absolutely everywhere and only in one place at the same time. He was going over the events that had recently happened. The ones he had been desperately trying to forget. 

The rescue mission…. and most of all… the loss...

The moment he stepped into the shower it was like he was transported back in time. His face was hit with the water, and at the same time, his mind was hit with the memories.

He remembered the feeling that they were taking too long. He had felt more impatient than he had in years. Sure, he had always had a temper with adults, he hadn’t been patient in a long time, but this? This had been different. This had been worse.

Everything had taken too long. Every minute that he had to wait he spent thinking about what Gideon was doing to the kid. To Grogu.

The kid had been in his care, and he hadn’t been able to keep him safe. The place where he was right now, the things that they were undoubtedly doing to him, that was all his fault. He had been in _his_ care, and if everyone could hurry up, he would be again. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind. He would do absolutely anything to get him back.

He already had. He had taken his helmet off in a room filled with people. Everyone in there except for Mayfeld was now dead, but he had still felt the terror and the nakedness and that would stay with him for the rest of his life.

The tribe… if they knew… they would never welcome him back again. He remembered seeing that happening as a kid, and it had scared him into following the rules very strictly.

When they were on the ship, trying to find a way to get to Gideon without being noticed, they accidentally found someone who could actually really help them. It was Doctor Pershing.

Talking to the doctor felt odd. He was probably the only one on the wrong team who actually cared about the child’s wellbeing but… he was still hurting him. He had hurt him in the past, too. And despite it all, he was about to do it again.

Din tried his best to not get distracted by the new information he just got about Cara and her past. Could he still trust her? He didn’t know anything about that battle. Now was not the time to test that. He needed her help first. He could question who she was and what her motifs were after he had the kid back in his arms.

Thinking up a plan went well, thankfully. He wasn’t sure why the doctor was helping, but it was definitely useful. Perhaps he cared more about the kid than he thought after all. Not that he trusted him… it was just helpful.

“We split into two parties.” He remembered Bo Katan saying.

He had immediately realized that wasn’t going to work. At this point, he wasn’t sure he trusted any of them fully. He was naturally quite trusting but none of them turned out to be who they seemed. Even worse, all of them turned out to know more about the galaxy than him. Bo Katan even seemed to know more about _him_ than he did himself… It didn’t sit right with him.

That and, he wanted a moment alone with Grogu when he finally got to see him again and he didn’t trust himself not to get emotional. He didn’t want anyone to see that.

He chuckled to himself as he stood in the shower remembering that moment. He had really thought he could get away with being emotional in private, huh?

He closed his eyes and fell back into his memory.

He was on the ship and more nervous than he ever remembered being. Nervous and anxious. When he finally got to walk off the ship and onto the cruiser he felt on edge. He was free to go, they had already killed everyone, but he could not wait to find this kid.

Even the droid startled him. He hated it. He hated being so on edge and nervous about finding him so much that it made him angry. The more he thought about where the kid was, and what they might’ve done to him, the angrier he became. When he remembered they wanted his blood to create.. some kind of creature.. with his powers no doubt.. he became truly furious.

He had remembered the tanks on the base in Nevarro. Those things were still in his nightmares. The things they did to Grogu… The things they undoubtedly did to those poor creatures… it was utterly unacceptable. He gritted his teeth as he rounded another corner.

He knew the point of the plan was for him to walk around unnoticed. He knew the ladies were creating a distraction for him. But as he was walking around searching for Grogu… all he felt was fury.

Fury for the things they had done to him in the past. Fury for the fact that they hunted him every single day. Fury for the fact that they kidnapped him. Fury for the pain and horror they must have put him through. He felt his blood boiling at the thought of the things they had done to him before he could get here, and the things they might still be doing to him now.

So he broke into the coms. He had a message for a certain someone. Gideon surely had figured it out by now, so really there was no harm in letting him know he was on the ship and ready to fight him.

He held the com in his shaking hand; he was so angry yet filled with anxiety for the kid that he couldn’t help it.

“Moff Gideon.” He spoke into it with a voice that was so angry it sent chills down the spines of everyone listening. “I have come to get the child, and if I find out that you have hurt him, in _any_ way, I am going to hunt you for sport, skewer you onto my new shiny spear, and roast you over an open fire.” He gritted his teeth and breathed deeply.

“In other words; run.”

He dropped the com with a loud clang, that started most people on the ship, and then walked away purposely dragging the spear over the ground. He knew the com was still picking up on it. He hoped it added to the terror he wished to instill in Gideon.

Grogu, from the room where he was being kept, cooed happily at hearing his voice.

It was, as Din had hoped, extra unnerving for Gideon. The kid being happy about the things the Mandalorian had just said… it sent an actual shiver up his spine.

He was not, however, as scared as Din had hoped. Somehow he knew Din would either be absolutely ruthless, or he’d see the boy in trouble and give in. He liked those odds. So he stood there and looked at the child feeling rather calm.

“Let’s see what he does when he gets here, huh?” He chuckled. “ _If_ he gets here at all… there are _many_ dark troopers in his way first…” He smirked at Grogu.

Grogu looked away with a grunt. He knew his dad was strong and capable. He fought the darn Krayt Dragon, he could take on one evil man.

Din turned another corner and finally spotted the cargo bay. His breath hitched as he watched the doors open.

“No. No..!”

Kriff. He was dead. He had taken too long to break into the coms and try to unnerve Gideon. Now he was going to pay the price.

He knew he definitely couldn’t take them all on his own. They were _droids_. He knew damn well how they could be. They killed everyone he loved once. These could definitely do it too.

He fought with hopes of seeing Grogu again. He kept him in his mind with every step he took. This was for him. No matter what, he would not stop trying.

A step. A blow. A breath. Another.

One blow already had him absolutely flying across the room. It hurt so much. It knocked the air out of his lungs, but when he looked back up and saw the doors close he at least felt a split second of relief. He could handle one droid. 

He got up.

A step.

A blow.

A breath.

Another.

He could… handle one droid… right..?

No matter how hard he fought… No matter how fast he thought and reacted… No matter how many things he tried… The droid was stronger, faster, smarter…

Everything was hurting, the droid was stronger than he had imagined. He should’ve known. Should’ve prepared himself for what he had seen as a child but had tried his best to block out. If he had let it in sooner he would’ve been able to prepare himself for what was now destroying him. It was all coming back to him now…

Every blow hurt more. Every blow reminded him of the past.

The droid punched him and he saw a flash of a droid hurting his childhood friend.

Another punch and he saw a droid burning down his neighbor’s house.

Another punch and he recalled a moment when a droid stepped on his classmate’s pet.

The next blow reminded him of when they shot his teacher. And the next of when they murdered a mother but left the baby on the ground, crying and screaming. They shot the farmer's kettle. They destroyed the shops, burned the food, the clothes, the supplies. They soaked the library in some form and fuel and set it on fire. Something inside exploded.

He remembered the tugging on his arm and getting scared, wanting to pull away and run. He remembered seeing his parents' terrified faces and finally letting his mother pull him away.

Every blow was more painful, and it made it hard to think of anything else. How could he focus on the fight when his head was stuck in the past?

He forced himself to focus on one of the worst parts of it all; the baby crying and screaming alone in the middle of the ruins. A baby… A kid… The kid…

 _Grogu_..! He thought. The kid. He was here for Grogu. He would fight this droid until his dying breath if he had to. For Grogu.

He was thankful for the beskar. Without it, he would have absolutely been dead by now. He was certain of that. For now though, he was not dead yet, and so he kept going.

The thing had him at his throat, his legs dangled underneath him. He didn’t hold on tight enough to kill him, but enough to pull him off the floor and render him useless as he used his other hand to hurt him even more.

He thought of Gideon and how he undoubtedly had programmed them that way on purpose. He just cared about creating suffering and nothing more. Somehow it made him feel powerful.

How long could he hold this up? Over his shoulder, he saw the other droids trying to break through the glass to get to him too. If they got out he was done… and if he was done… so was Grogu.

That was unacceptable. He _had_ to keep going.

 _For Grogu_. He thought as he tried to find a new source of energy and kept fighting.

Finally, he had a chance to push back and turn on the flamethrower. He could finally do something to get out of this mess.

Except… it didn’t harm it… not even a little bit.

Kriff.

He had an idea. Let’s let the Sithspawn get sucked into space. He fought as best as he could and then reached for the handle. Before he could reach it though, he got dragged away.

Kriff. Again.

Every time he tried again the droid managed to yank him away before he could reach it. He was thankful for the beskar now more than ever. Even more than a couple of minutes ago. Or had it been seconds..? He had no idea.

He could feel himself growing weaker and weaker but he had to keep going.

_For Grogu._

He got up again.

Whistling birds! They ought to do something. Right?

Dank farrik.

Nothing.

Well, maybe not nothing; it did buy him enough time to reach for his spear on the ground. He skewered him on there right through the head, then pried the head off of its body. Finally.

He got up and pulled on the lever as quickly as he could. He watched as the troopers got sucked into space. He was in the clear at last.

He ran as fast as he could, checking everywhere to make sure he was safe.

He was absolutely beyond furious now. It was a good thing, because if he hadn’t been he would’ve had to feel just how hurt he was. Just how many bones he had broken.. just how many cuts and bruises were covering his body.

When he had finally made it to the brig, he killed the two guard troopers at once. The first one he stabbed, the other he choked and when that took too long he broke his neck.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually broken someone’s neck. Usually, he killed people in a way that felt more detached from the severity of the crime. Shooting people with a blaster was easy. Actually using your hands to break someone’s neck… that was something else.

Then again, what they had undoubtedly been doing to the child since they kidnapped him… was so much worse.

He quickly inserted the key and pushed the button to open the door.

Kriff.

The kid. He was there. He was right there. But Gideon… he never should've warned him. 

Grogu perked up the moment he saw Din. The sound he made was too adorable to be right in the moment. It made Din feel weak all of a sudden. He just wanted him to be okay. He didn’t have to kill everyone for that. Maybe. If Gideon would just work with him, and let him get the kid, all would be okay. He’d bring him to safety, and then he’d come back to mess him up later.

"Drop the blaster," Gideon spoke.

Dank farrik. He had been so furious a moment ago but now… he had no idea how to stay angry when the kid was just right there. He wanted to hurry over and grab him and run away. He wanted to run and hide and lay low until people stopped searching for them.

He couldn’t quite figure out why, but he did as he was told. He dropped the blaster and kicked it over.

Despite the brightness of the saber, Grogu seemed to be captivated by it as it hovered over his head. It was an image Din absolutely could not stand.

He didn’t want Grogu to hear just how pissed he truly was, so his voice was calm when he spoke. "Give me the kid."

“This kid is just fine where he is.” Gideon played with the saber right above Grogu’s head and Din hated it. He hated it so much. He could feel the image being ingrained into his brain. He would never forget this.

He wanted to fight him but he was hoping… _hoping so much_ … that he would just be able to take the kid and walk out. He could just lock Gideon in the cell and leave him for the others.

Dank Farrik.. He thought to himself as Gideon kept talking. It was draining his patience.

“Where is this going?” He sighed. He was not interested in information, especially not from Gideon.

The Moff tried to play with the fact that Din would rather not murder people. He tried to guilt him into letting down his guard, into making him change sides.

Din let him speak. There was no need to prove him wrong just yet. He looked at Grogu while Moff Gideon continued to talk. He looked bad; sick and tired. It hurt so much to see him like that. He blamed himself for everything the kid had been forced to go through in this place.

If he had just kept the jetpack on… if he had just pushed himself to run faster… if he had just… not been his stupid self- Nope..! No time for this! Get it together!

He had only been half listening to what the guy was saying. He truly wasn’t interested… The only thing was that it did give him the idea to just simply… play along. _You think I won’t kill you? Sure, you trust that._

“You keep it. I just want the kid.” It was something about the light sword. Or dark sword? He didn’t know. Nor did he care.

Grogu looked up and tilted his head. He wasn’t sure why Din was doing this. The bad guy deserved to die. He could do it, he knew he could, so why didn’t he just… do it?

Gideon turned off the saber, which was a win, but he just… kept… talking… Din had thought that the guy would’ve realized by now that he wasn’t interested in what he had to say.

He spoke about order, which just made him want to laugh. He had spoken to someone else just yesterday who had believed in bringing order to the galaxy, just like him; Valin Hess. Mayfeld had killed him, because of the horrors he had done in the past and the horrors he was about to inflict on others too, all in the name of the empire. All to create order.

They were full of shit.

Besides, if all he wanted was to study his blood, why did he kidnap him? If he was just doing harmless things he would’ve gone about this differently.

Grogu was trying to use his powers and send Din a message. A message of _Don’t believe him! He’s full of it! He’s evil!_ But something about the shackles made him unable to use his powers.

“Take him.” The Moff finally said.

_I will actually, kriffing Hutt-spawn._

“…but you will leave my ship immediately and we will go our separate ways.”

He didn’t agree with that for obvious reasons, but he did step forward. He needed Grogu to be safe. Right. Now.

He reached out to try to take off the handcuffs, but he stayed sharp. He knew not to trust Gideon. The split second the guy moved behind him he was hovering over Grogu to keep him safe from the saber. He’d throw himself between Grogu and a weapon any time.

He fought back as fast and as hard as he could but Gideon was faster than he anticipated. He knew to use his beskar though. His arms, his chest, the jetpack, the spear.

You have a light stick? Well, I have a spear that's pure beskar, bitch.

Gideon was stronger than he thought. _Kriff_. He kept pushing him back, the fight from earlier clearly rendering him more exhausted than he’d like. The beskar was _glowing_ , but he fought back over and over again, because he hated his guts now more than ever.

His anger was helpful in the fight. Soon the darksaber slid across the floor and he had him on the ground with the spear to his throat.

The only reason he didn’t kill him when he was down was because he didn’t want Grogu to see him impale the guy. Maybe 10% of his reasoning came from his promise to deliver him to the women as he promised. They needed him alive and he always held up his end of a deal.

He was shaking with his spear in his hand. He felt out of breath and weakened from the fight. Before Gideon could see that for himself and fight him once again he knocked him out. It wouldn’t last long, but it gave him enough time to get to Grogu, take off the handcuffs, and have a split second with him. A split second to press his forehead to his… to tell him everything would be okay. He hoped.

He ran over and struggled to take the shackles off the little boy. When he finally managed to take them off he looked at him through his visor. From the way he was looking back at him he thought, for a moment, that maybe Grogu could see his eyes too. He didn’t mind that.

“I’m here, kid.” He tried to keep his voice from breaking. Now was not the time to give in to the exhaustion and emotion.

He reached out to him and Grogu instantly jumped into his hands. Din chuckled with relief. He brought him up to his face and pressed his helmet to his forehead. The kid cooed and Din involuntarily let go of an unsteady breath.

“It’s going to be okay.” He promised. No matter what, he was going to make sure that things would be okay.

He closed his eyes and pressed just a little bit closer. Grogu heaved a sigh of relief.

He reached out his hand and tried to get underneath the fabric of his glove. As if he knew Din was open to being seen now more than ever.

Din sat him back down and pulled off the glove before quickly picking him up again. Grogu placed his hand on his dad’s and the moment they touched Din was hit with a small pang of feeling that made him understand just how thankful he was. He didn’t quite understand how it worked, but it was nice to feel certain of his relief.

He could feel Grogu was trying something else too. It took him a moment to realize he was trying to heal him.

“No, kid. Don’t waste your energy on me.”

That wasn’t right. He looked terrible himself. Who knew what they had done to him. It could hardly have been just blood removal. He should be pouring his energy into his own health, not his. At least, that’s what Din thought.

Grogu still continued.

“Grogu,” Din spoke gently.

Grogu made a sound and tilted his head.

“I’m okay. Don’t waste your powers on me.” He ran a finger along the back of his head. “You need to work on you.”

Grogu protested with a whine and Din’s heart ached. Despite his incompetence, his inability to keep him safe, he still cared about him.

“I’m sorry.” He uttered. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.” He let go of a sad sigh just to be hit by a small wave of gratitude. He couldn’t figure out how the kid was doing it, but he knew it was coming from him.

He used his now bare hand to cup his face and run his thumb over his cheek gently. His breathing was faltering as he felt his tiny face against his skin, rather than through the glove. It was perhaps the nicest thing that had happened between them both. He didn’t know what to say, so he just stood there, his thumb absentmindedly moving back and forth over his little, warm, puffy cheek.

They allowed themselves this moment, before hearing Gideon groan. The moment was over. Din hoped there’d be more in the future.

He struggled his glove back on, took the darksaber from where he had safely put it, and continued to hold Grogu close to himself.

Gideon was waking up again and Din held the saber to his throat.

“Walk.”

Gideon struggled to his feet. He was actually, genuinely scared now. Had he misjudged the Mandalorian? He knew he would do anything for the kid, but with the child here? He wouldn’t dare to be ruthless… right…?

Din kicked him onto the bridge the moment the doors opened. He was done playing nice. He was done listening to this dude whine about one thing or another just to try to get into his head.

From his arm, Grogu couldn’t stop looking up at him. All he could think of was that Din came here to rescue him, despite telling him he was going to give him up right before he got kidnapped. For a horrible moment, Grogu had thought that it had been the plan all along. He set him up to be okay with leaving with someone else, and then someone came in and took him away, so it had only made sense.

But no, that was not what Din had meant at all. He had thankfully realized that while he was in the cell. He had been able to reach out to a Jedi while on the seeing stone. He could feel that someone was coming.

Despite that though, he still hadn’t expected to see him again. A Jedi was coming, so why bother? But he did bother. He put in all the effort to come to rescue him, and he was a total badass while doing it.

Din as he walked onto the bridge instantly noticed the look on Bo-Katan’s face and he wasn’t sure what was up with that. He had delivered Gideon alive. He had taken the weapon from him and he was about to give it to her. After Gideon was dealt with.

He did not trust Gideon for a second, so he stayed close behind him and had the weapon in his hand, ready to strike in a split second if necessary.

Cara came over and greeted Grogu the moment Moff Gideon was shoved to the ground. She might not like kids much, but this one… well she had grown fond of him. For Din’s sake.

"Why don't you kill him now, and take it?" Gideon taunted.

Din looked down on him. He didn’t understand what he was talking about. Gideon looked over from Bo-Katan and somehow managed to look him straight in the eyes.

"It's yours now." His tone of voice disgusted him. It was unsettling. Like he was enjoying it.

"What is?" He's not sure. The kid? He's not exactly _his_. Just in his care. 

"The darksaber. It belongs to you."

He had to fight the urge to sigh. She didn’t have to harm him at all. If it would finally bring him some peace… he'd give it gladly.

He pushed the button, pulling it back in. It felt awfully cool. In a room filled with these specific people, he didn’t exactly feel the coolest, so it was nice.

"Now, it belongs to her." He truly didn’t care at all. He just cared about Grogu being safe, and Gideon being out of the way.

"I yield. It's yours." _You know my only priority is this kid. Just take it._

She looked at him like she despised him. Like she was actually thinking of attacking him. This saber was _her_ only priority.

While she looked at him and seemed to try to decide if she would fight him Gideon just kept talking. He kept going on and on about things that were sure to pull the team apart, except it didn’t work.

It was a game he was playing, that much was obvious, but Din was losing his energy rapidly. He knew that was dangerous. He just wanted to sit down with the kid and make sure he was okay.

Except Gideon just kept trying to play him. Like some kind of an evil father, he got up close to him and talked in oddly fond and soft tones to him. Though the words he was saying were vile… they were… in a sense… truthful...

Din’s head had fallen to the side, his arm still out to her. Take the damn saber. “Come on. Just _take_ it.” I don’t want to fight you. I just want the kid. You know this.

Cara was standing right behind him, ready to take the child from his arms if Bo-Katan were to charge at him.

Bo-Katan knew she couldn’t win if she fought him here. She knew everyone but Koska would take Din’s side. They were all here for him after all. Boba would leave them on the ship if they were to be left alive at all.

Before she could decide what to say or do next, the alarms started blaring.

“We’re being boarded.” Fennec alerted.

Bo-Katan was instantly trying to figure out what was happening. “How many lifeforms?”

“None.”

 _Kriff_. The Dark Troopers had come back.

Gideon faced him with a smirk. “You had your hands full with one.” He was _gloating_.

Din hated it. What was up with this guy’s unearned confidence? He could kill him right then and there. The only reason he didn’t was because he promised Cara. That and he really didn’t want Grogu to see him like that either. So he simply couldn’t do it.

Yet.

They were trying their best to think of a plan as the dark troopers made their way over to them. What could they do? Barricade themselves on the bridge? Sure, but then what? They would just keep going until they got in. They would kill them all. Easily. No matter how much of a fight they’d put up, they wouldn’t stand a chance.

Din needed both his hands free for this. He crouched down and set Grogu on the ground to give him the option to hide if necessary.

He wanted to stay hopeful and confident, but the deepest, darkest part of his heart started to think that maybe it would be for the best if they all died. Including the kid… just so he didn’t have to get hunted for the rest of his life…

It was an utterly unacceptable thought, one that shook him to his core, but it was there nonetheless.

He took a deep breath to push aside his worst thought and then looked down at the child.

“Don’t worry, kid. I’m gonna get you out of here.” He promised. His tone was certain. No matter what. To hell with that nightmarish thought that just popped up. It was unacceptable. He was getting him out of here alive and well. He was going to be safe. No matter what he would never stop trying.

He patted his head real quick, he couldn’t help it. Whether it was to comfort him or himself he didn’t know.

As he sat there Grogu tried to reach out through the force again. He was weak but he had to try. Din was not going to make it if they didn’t get any help. If the Jedi wasn’t going to get here fast enough. He knew it. He could feel it. Both in Din’s heart and his own.

It was terrifying. The way the dark troopers slammed into the door. It gave Din a headache, unlike anything he had ever felt. He didn’t realize at first that it was because of what the other dark trooper had done earlier, but it didn’t really matter anyway. It wasn’t going to go away any time soon.

Especially not since Gideon just did not stop talking. Why was he still trying to get into his head? Couldn’t he see that it wasn’t working?

The moment he could sense Luke, Grogu perked up. He tried to tell him to hurry up. Moff Gideon was talking his way into their heads and he could feel Din losing faith. Despite thinking the man’s words weren’t getting to him… they most definitely were.

Suddenly the droids stopped. Gideon didn’t understand why. There was nothing that could make them stop except for him and a specific key. For the first time that day he was actually thoroughly terrified.

“A Jedi?” Bo-Katan uttered.

Din instantly turned to look. He could see the lightsaber. Or light _sword_ as he called it in his head. He wasn’t sure how he felt.

Gideon was mortified in a heartbeat. It was a nice look on him, Din thought. It refueled his will to keep going. No matter what. For Grogu.

Grogu was thinking, _Yes, help is here_ , but also, _No I just got him back…_

He watched him slice through all the dark troopers with ease. He watched him fight them with the lightsaber, but more importantly, with the force.

Din was taking it all in. He had the same powers as Grogu. This was a Jedi. This was someone who could help them. Someone who _was_ helping them.

With a shuddering breath, he ignored the pain in his chest as it settled in what that meant. This was goodbye… He had only just gotten him back, and yet…

Suddenly Gideon moved so fast Din could hardly process it. He shot Bo-Katan, to make her fall aside and reveal the kid. Maybe he knew the Jedi in question. He was certainly desperate enough.

Din launched himself in front of the child the moment he realized Gideon’s new plan. Oh _hell_ _no_. He was not getting the kid. Not on his watch, and especially not right before the Jedi could get to him.

When that failed Gideon tried to shoot himself, knowing damn well what was waiting for him, but Cara stopped him and knocked him out. They needed him alive. They were going to make his life a living hell soon. A part of her couldn’t wait.

Grogu climbed up on the table and tried to let Luke know where they were. He felt weak, and he still wanted to try to heal Din, too. As much as Din had told him not to waste his powers on him… he still needed to heal him. It didn’t matter to Grogu; it wasn’t a waste of energy or his powers. Not to him.

He could just heal him and then sleep after. He would wake up feeling better and no harm would be done. If he couldn’t heal Din, however, he would not be able to feel better. So he knew what to do. He was careful when he reached out to Luke through the force, and saved as much energy as he could to heal Din later. Soon. He needed it soon.

Din got up off the ground to see what he was doing. He could see they somehow seemed to know each other. Like there was a bond. He swallowed away the aching in his chest. He was not the only one bonded to him. He selfishly hated that… but it was what was best for the kid. They had been over that already. He hoped that, especially after all this, Grogu understood.

He sat down next to him and observed him. He wanted to reach out, to hold him or run a finger along his ear, but he didn’t. He seemed to be sending a message through the screen. He didn’t want to distract him and ruin the message. He couldn’t see if the Jedi responded or not.

He watched the kid with pain in his chest. He wanted to keep looking at Grogu, because he knew in his heart that he was not getting him back. He was losing him today… for a good reason… but losing nonetheless.

The more he looked at Luke the more his chest ached. The way he fought off the dark troopers… like it was nothing… He knew he would never be that good. He would never even come close.

He had already figured out that Grogu was too powerful for him to be able to train him but… seeing this confirmed just how incapable he was…

He had barely been able to handle just the one dark trooper.

He knew it to be true.

He would _never_ be good enough. He would never compare.

The Jedi sliced through the troopers like they were nothing; he was strong. This was good. Din kept telling himself. Din himself? He would not be strong enough for Grogu… The kidnapping had proved that.

As much as it hurt to know that he would never be good enough for him, it was good to know that this person was. They clearly were.

 _Well, now they’re just showing off._ He thought as he saw him pulverize a dark trooper without even touching it. As violent as it all was though, he could feel in his heart, somehow, that this was not only a good person but the _right_ person. This was who Grogu had called out to… and who had come here specifically for him. To help.

Grogu finally looked away from the screen and at Din. He felt sad. His eyes looked guilty. He knew as well as Din that this was goodbye. He didn’t like it in the slightest.

Despite that, he reached out to the door, trying to convey to let him in. Din picked him up in his arms. For safety, for certainty, and to be able to feel him in his hands again. For perhaps the last time.

“Open the doors.” He said. His voice was hoarser than he’d like. As certain as he was that this was the Jedi they needed, which he was _very_ certain of, he couldn’t shake the pain from his voice.

He held him in such a way that he could feel Grogu’s head against his fingers. Through the gloves, unfortunately… but it was better than nothing. He needed something. Anything.

“I said. Open the doors.” He continued to walk towards the door. His heart was racing. He was aching. He was doing his best.

He knew this was good. This was what they had been working towards. He kept having to tell himself. This had been the original goal, before he got taken away by Gideon. The point had always been to reunite him with his own kind. Where he belonged. This was right. Right…? Right..

“Are you crazy?” Fennec asked. She had seen what he had done, so it was fair. She didn’t know what he knew though. Or at least, what Grogu _knew_ and he… understood…

He placed him in a chair in a way that the stranger couldn’t immediately see him. Just as a precaution.

He hated to have to let him go but it was important. He couldn’t take any risks with him. He straightened, breathed in deeply, and then opened the doors himself. This was _important_. This was what it had been about. This was good for the kid. He kept having to remind himself.

For a moment, all he saw was a green lightsaber… Then a cloak…

Din felt uncertain. A tight knot in the pit of his stomach. Though he knew in his heart this was the right person, he felt unstable.

The Jedi searched around the room, his eyes landed next to Din where Grogu revealed himself.

Din’s voice when he spoke up was shakier than he had liked. Again.

“Are you a Jedi?”

“I am.”

Din felt both relief and a new, heavier weight on his chest.

Grogu felt sad, he wanted to go with him. He wanted to train and get better and stronger. For Din. It would keep him safe, both because he would be away and because when he’s stronger he could come back, to keep him safe. If he wanted that.. Regardless. He had to do this. _For Din._

“Come, little one,” Luke spoke.

 _Fuck_. Din thought. _Already_? He was getting straight to the point. Din looked over at the little kid. Grogu looked scared, like he didn’t want to go. He was shivering, from fear and fatigue. Somehow, it made him feel a little bit glad. Though he knew the truth in his heart, for a split second he was hopeful that he got to keep him around for a while longer.

“He doesn’t want to go with you,” Din told the Jedi.

He felt a selfish relief wash over him. He knew though, that he didn’t want to leave because he was scared, not because he didn’t want to leave his side.

Oh, how wrong he was.

“He wants your permission,” Luke told him.

 _Oh_. Oh, the pang to the heart. He did care, but… he also did want to go…. He _wanted_ to leave…

He knew it was so utterly selfish but it still hurt.

Din’s back straightened. He was still trying to decide if he could trust him. Despite already having made up his mind minutes ago, it felt too fast of a decision.

Luke could sense the uncertainty in his heart, so he spoke up. “He is strong with the force, but talent without training is nothing.”

Din knew that was true, and it was only right for him too. If he didn’t start to train, he would still be in danger all the time. That, and he wouldn’t be able to protect himself. That would not be not fair to him. This was the point. Din reminded himself again. For Grogu.

"My name is Luke Skywalker. I will give my life to protect the child." Luke promised because he knew how Din was feeling. He could sense their bond, and the love as well as the fear. "…but he will not be safe until he masters his abilities."

Din knew. He was right. It was best for him. It hurt _so much_ , but it was the truth. The harsh, painful truth. He had learned though, to deal with other harsh truths through his years. He would learn to deal with this one too. For the kid. For Grogu.

He nodded. _This is the way._ He turned to the kid and carefully picked him up again. His chest hurt even more now that he knew this was the last time he would hold him. He held him close and took another good look at him. Oh, Kriff how this hurt. He was going to miss him so much it was stupid.

He had promised himself he wasn't going to get attached…. yet here he was… He shook his head. This was the point. It was _the point_ of it all. Everything that they had gone through was to look for this one person. He could bring Grogu where he belonged.

"Hey, go on…" he uttered. _This is permission. You need to do what is best for you. Regardless of me. No matter how much it hurts to lose you. This is for you._

"That's who you belong with, he's one of your kind." His voice was shaking, he had no control over it anymore. Oh, how it hurt. He couldn’t get his voice to sound cool or certain or anything positive really. He was trying to hide the pain from his voice but… it was just right there. He hoped Grogu somehow couldn’t pick up on it.

He cleared his throat. "I'll see you again. I promise." He promised it to himself more than anything, because he didn’t know if Grogu would still _want_ to see him again. Din himself did, though. Selfishly, he wanted it _so much_.

Grogu reached out to the helmet. He wanted to touch it one last time… and he wanted.. if Din was ready… to see his face. 

Din took another second to look at him. He was ready. He knew this went against everything he had been taught and had believed in for so many years, but… he was worth it. He had revealed himself to strangers, to _enemies_ , to get him back, so it was only right he revealed himself to the kid too. He had already lost it all. He had given it all up for him, and he’d do it again.

He removed his helmet in a heartbeat. He was trembling, but certain. He had only done this twice before, once with a droid and once… in a room filled with people… not in front of his friends, but that didn’t matter. He didn’t want Grogu to remember him by his helmet. Anyone could wear that. Any imposter… but none of them were him.

The helmet clanked to the floor. For a few moments, he didn’t care one bit. This was the first time he could look at Grogu with his own eyes, and not through the visor. He had wanted to do that for so long. He felt more vulnerable than he had in a very long time, but this kid… _Grogu_ … he was special… He was special and so kriffing cute. He wanted to take it all in and file it away in his most important folder.

He watched Grogu observe him. Watched his eyes scanning his face and taking him in the same way Din was taking him in. He wondered what he was thinking. His gaze was so soft, he had to be thinking something nice of him, right..?

Din was trembling. He could see Grogu’s hand reaching out to him and it made him ache so much. He wanted this too but… nobody had touched his face since… well… since he had sworn the creed. Maybe even years before then… he didn’t remember.

The moment his hand touched his face his eyes closed involuntarily. It was everything. The softness of the touch… was exquisite. Not just that but, he _caressed_ him. He was feeling his skin and the stubble.

Din could feel the warmth from his hand. He tried to soak it in. He had wanted this for so long, he had just never dared to take that step. He had never thought it was a possible step. For weeks it had angered him that it was even something he wanted at all. Wanting something you can’t have was the most painful thing of all.

He knew that from losing his parents… He had wanted them back but he couldn’t get that…

He was about to encounter that pain again… He wanted Grogu to stay… but he couldn’t get that either….

When he opened his eyes again he felt more at peace. Grogu cared. He knew that now. He was certain of it. Somehow. He wasn’t sure where the certainty in his heart had come from, but it was there.

He looked at Grogu’s expressions, they were mesmerizing. It made him feel loved and hurt at once. He couldn’t help the tears in his eyes. This kid was everything. He had suddenly, one day, just simply turned into his whole world.

Never in a million lightyears could he forget the feeling of his little hand caressing his cheek. He was happy about that; he never wanted to forget it.

He had done everything for him, even the once unthinkable, and it had all been worth it. So he smiled at him because he needed him to know that this was good. He needed him to know that he wasn’t unwillingly receiving something he hadn’t felt since he was 8 years old… He was not crossing his boundaries. This wasn’t forced. It was his choice.

Them looking at each other, the touches, even the tears, they were _good_. Something Din willingly gave. It was a sacrifice he'd make again and again if it meant he got to have another moment like this with the kid. 

…but then he remembered it probably wouldn’t come to that… which was _good_ …! But dear kriffing stars did it hurt. He wanted more time… but… they didn’t have that.

He nodded to himself. “Alright, pal.” He tried to keep his voice steady. “It’s time to go.”

He felt his own heart clench and ache as he said the words out loud. He could see Grogu was scared. What he didn’t know was that Grogu was scared _for him._

Grogu's ears went down. He whined. He didn’t want this to end yet either. He still had to try to heal him.

He reached out again, and pressed his hand more firmly to his cheek. He closed his eyes and tried his best to use his final strength for him.

“No… Grogu…” Din whispered the moment he realized what he was doing. “Don’t waste your energy on me. You’re sick. You still need to heal yourself, not me.”

Din tried to pull his hand away but Grogu persisted. He _had_ to do this.

Except the more he tried, the more he could sense that it wasn’t doing anything. He let his hand fall down sadly. His gaze seemed defeated. He couldn’t even heal him before leaving… The last thing he had wanted to do…

"Don't be afraid," Din uttered. It was not just for him; he was telling it to himself too. 

He looked from eye to eye, taking those big brown suckers in one last time, and then straightened his face. It was time. No more tears. He nodded at him.

He wanted to hold him _longer_ … _tighter_ … _closer_... but he knew that would only make it worse. For both of them... but it especially wasn't right for Grogu. So he nodded once more, and then knelt down to let him walk over himself.

He had to do it that way because if he had to hand him over to this Luke… well, he wasn't sure if he would let him go.

He moved up and locked eyes with Luke. He was a wreck. His face was clearly showing it. He didn’t want Grogu to know it, but he needed Luke to know that this kid was special. He was not just strong with the force. He was _special_. All of him.

Grogu held onto Din’s leg. He didn’t want to go. He tried to make cute sounds that he knew would get his attention. He was trying to tell him that he would miss him, that he was thankful for everything he had done, but without his full powers… He couldn’t quite send the message over the way he wanted to.

Din could sense it vaguely. He couldn’t understand it, but he could feel it in his heart.

Even when an R2 unit came rolling in Grogu didn’t look away. He kept looking up. That was his dad right there, and he needed him to know that he would miss him…. more than anything. It was important.

Din crouched back down, he tried his best to stop the trembling of his hand as he reached out to caress his head.

“It’s okay, bud. You can go.” He nodded again. He almost added a, _please. Please don’t make this harder than it already is._

When Grogu still refused to move he reached over into one of his pockets and then handed him the little ball from the ship.

“The rest of the ship is gone, but this was still in one piece.” He put it in his hands and folded his fingers over it. Grogu took a few steps back to look up at him. This was all there was left?

“It’s yours,” Din uttered. Somehow it felt like he just handed over a piece of his heart, instead of a toy that shouldn’t even have been a toy in the first place. He should’ve gotten him something. All this time of traveling together and he hadn’t even gotten him a proper toy…

He watched as Grogu looked down at the ball in his hand and then back up at him.

He dropped his hand and the ball rolled onto the floor. Without looking back at it he ran back towards his leg, holding on for dear life.

 _Oh_.

Din's eyes closed tightly and he couldn’t stop the tears anymore, they were streaming down his face now. He picked him up and held him close to his neck. He wanted to ask why he had to make it even harder… Harder than it needed to be… but he knew that wouldn’t be fair to him.

He tried his best not to sniffle as he attempted to swallow away the lump in his throat. “It’s okay, kid. He’ll keep you safe.”

Luke cleared his throat quietly. “That’s not what he is worried about.”

Din looked up, his brows furrowed.

“He’s worried about you.”

He choked out an “Oh.” It was such a small word and even that had trouble getting past the tightness in his throat.

He looked back down at him and examined his face. So that was worry… _for him_.

“It’s okay, Grogu.” He whispered to him, forcing a smile. “I’ll be okay. You know me, I can fight anyone.” He tried to look confident, but judging by the look on Grogu’s face, it was not convincing.

Grogu reached out one last time. Despite his best efforts, Din trembled from the soft touch.

“It’s time.” He said as he put him back down. He quickly ran the back of his finger along his cheek and then got up. It had to happen now or he was going to fall apart. All the aching and sorrow combined with his physical pain… He could feel that he was close to collapsing.

He did not want Grogu to see that part of him. He told him not to heal him, so he had to keep it together to make sure he wouldn’t know just how much he needed to be healed.

Grogu still hesitated. It was like he knew anyway.

Din wanted to ask him to _please_ just go, it already hurt so much. He didn’t; that wouldn’t be fair to him. He kept having to remind himself of that.

Finally, Luke called him over. With too much sadness in his eyes for Din to handle, Grogu finally turned around and started to make his way over to Luke. Halfway there he paused, looking back over at Din. He wanted to see him just a little while longer.

Din smiled at him, and nodded once more. He opened his mouth to say that he would miss him, or perhaps something even more shocking, but he knew that would only make it a hundred times worse… and it already was so kriffing hard.

“How can I find you?” Din asked Luke, so he didn’t have to face Grogu’s sad eyes anymore. His knees were becoming weak, he couldn’t keep holding on for much longer.

“I’ll find you.”

 _That’s not good enough_ , he thought, but he couldn’t say it. That would just take away the last ounce of energy he had in his legs.

The droid that had appeared seemed to try to communicate with Grogu. Grogu cooed at him. Din frowned. Did they know each other? Had they met before?

Luke locked eyes with Din and nodded at him. He knew how hard this was for him, but it was the right thing to do.

Din knew this too, so he forced a small smile and nodded back. _I know this is for the best. I know you are the right one. Take care of him._

He watched as Grogu reached up and clutched onto Luke’s hand. He knew it was because he was scared, but a part of him felt a sharp pain in his chest. He should be holding onto _his_ hand, not Luke’s. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn’t help but feel that way.

Luke could sense their sorrow. It was almost too much to be able to handle. He could feel that Grogu was scared, that he didn’t want to go, that he didn’t want to lose Din… again…

He could also feel though, that it was time. Grogu was ready, he thought. Yes, reluctant, but ready. _For Din._

"May the force be with you." He told Din. Because it was the best thing he could say in the moment. Perhaps even the only thing. He could feel that Din wasn’t ready to call himself a father, so he couldn’t tell him that he would take good care of his son. Though that was the truth, it would only make things worse for Din. So may the force be with you, and bring you peace.

Din felt absolutely terrible. It hurt so much to see him go. He hadn’t expected it to hurt this much. He knew it was going to hurt to let him go, but this? He could never have prepared himself for this.

Grogu made sure he was high enough on Luke's shoulder to look at Din with every step he took. He didn’t look away. Din nodded at him. _It's okay_. Grogu still didn’t look away. Not until the last moment. 

Luke turned him around in his arms in the elevator to let them look at each other one last time. Grogu was frowning, his eyes shiny with tears. 

Din tried his best to smile at him, but the sight of the tears in those eyes made him feel like someone had stabbed him in the heart. He didn’t want him to see him collapse… but everything seemed to hit him at once as he forced the final smile. Everything that he gave up willingly, and lost involuntarily. Every injury he had gotten over the past few days. They all hit him at once. 

And he… well, he was a broken mess.

It came to no surprise to Din when his knees gave in and he sank to the floor with loud, startling clangs of his armor.

Grogu let out a sound of distress and for less than a split second Din looked up and locked eyes with him again. With tears now streaming down his face, his vision of him was blurry, right before the doors closed between them.

 _Dank Farrik_. Despite his best efforts, he had still managed to fall apart in front of him…

His head fell the moment the doors had closed. He sobbed. Louder than he had in years… louder than he had in a lifetime… It had been so many years since the last time he had broken down like this.

He couldn’t control it anymore. There was so much pain…. both physical and emotional. He felt like he was crumbling as everything fell into place.

His wounds of today’s battles… and the days before… The sacrifices he had made… The things he had lost… The fact that he gave up everything for him. The Crest… That was his home… It had been for so long… it was gone. The creed, well, he had removed his helmet so he was no longer a part of that either. His tribe… had turned out to be a cult.. and he didn’t know who he was anymore… He had lost so much… just for him.

He didn’t regret it for a second, but doing all that just to have to let him go? There was nothing like it. 

He spotted the little ball and quickly grabbed it, holding it close to his chest. He had refused it. He had wanted him to have his favorite toy just so he would have something to remind him of his… _babysitter_ … but he had refused it so that he could hug him again… Every inch of him ached. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be alright again.

As he sat there on his knees, sobbing and breathing through his pain, the others didn’t move. They didn’t run over to comfort him. They didn’t speak up or offer a rag to wipe his nose. It made the pain even worse. The fact that the people he was considering friends weren’t there for him… He couldn’t quite describe how that made him feel. It was a loneliness that was… familiar.

On the one hand, he understood they were unsure of what to do. Unsure if they were allowed to look at him at all. If they were allowed to come over and touch his face to wipe his tears away. He didn’t even know if they understood what had just happened.

And honestly? A part of him was glad that they didn’t come over. He preferred the face touching to stay between him and Grogu… but a part of him started crumbling even more as he remembered the last time he had felt this empty and lonely…

It was in the bunker… when his parents had said goodbye and they had most definitely died soon after. He had been sitting there telling himself that there was a chance that they were okay and that they would come back for him. When it had finally settled in that they were gone… It felt hauntingly similar to this…

And again the following days when he had been just eight and alone in a room with a bed, a blanket, and some food. They hadn’t taken care of him properly then either. They had just left him on his own in a room to grief, while he could hear the others talking in different rooms, and going about their days. He had always told himself that was because they just didn’t know what to do. He knew better now though.

He was sitting on the floor, moving to try to get off his knees but still crumbling and sobbing. He still couldn't control it. There wasn't a fiber in his being that could stop him from sobbing. The aching was just too strong.

Everything that had happened between them since he met him came rushing into his thoughts. Every mistake he had made, everything he had said that hadn’t been nice, every time he had allowed him to get hurt… despite his best efforts… he hadn’t been good enough. 

Well, that's what he had thought, except Grogu had touched his face and it turned out he was worried and scared _for him_ … So he had done something right… but that only made him feel worse… 

What had he done… was the kid going to miss him now…? That was the one thing he had been trying to avoid. No attachments meant no missing, right..? But now there were attachments… so he had messed up. Again...

All this time… all this build-up to get him back, just to have to say goodbye again… and in such a painful way too… It hurt more than he could describe. Both hauntingly similar to the feeling of losing his parents, and hauntingly similar to how he now imagined his parents must have felt when they said goodbye to him.

It hurt so much. The pain from the fights. The loss. The thought that he might never see him again… He promised he would… but only to himself. That was a promise he could break…. along with his own heart… that would be okay. As long as he didn’t have to break Grogu’s little heart…

That thought reminded him of Sorgan; how he had planned to leave the kid there, how Cara had told him it was going to break his little heart.

They hadn’t even known each other for that long back then. If that would’ve broken his heart… how much did he break it now…?

He felt himself weakening again.

There was a stabbing pain that he had written off as missing Grogu, but as he looked down at his knees he noticed that he was bleeding. Oh… Maybe that was the stabbing pain in his side then?

“Cara?”

“Yes?” She answered without looking at him.

Din looked up at her and through his tears, he could see that she was looking away. All of them were. That was nice, actually.

“Do you have any bacta spray?”

“I do…” She hesitated, still not looking at him.

“You can look just-” He swallowed heavily. “…no touch.”

“Of course.”

She carefully walked over and lowered herself onto the ground in front of him. Din looked away, he couldn’t possibly look her in the eye while she saw who he truly was underneath it all. not just his face, but also the soft, caring, traumatized boy that was still inside of him 

He stretched as much as he could to show her the wound. He could see in the corner of his eyes that she was looking up at his face. He hesitated. Did he want to look back? Did he want to reassure her with a look? Or did he maybe want to be reassured?

Slowly, he turned his face to look at her. Her eyes were sad. She opened and closed her mouth several times without saying a word. What was there to say? I’m sorry you lost your son and then got him back for two minutes before losing him again? No, that would only make it worse.

Instead, she just smiled sadly at him. Din returned the expression.

He breathed in deeply and then nodded. “please put the spray on.”

She did without another word.

It took a moment for the spray to do its thing and in the meantime, they looked at each other. Cara’s eyes scanned his face. She decided he could use a joke.

“I’d say you look good but I’d be lyin.”

Din burst out a laugh. It hurt just about everywhere but it was a nice change.

“Wait till you see me cleaned up.” He tried to joke back, but it just came out pained.

Their laughs were strained, Din had to stop himself before his emotional bucket overflowed again. He didn’t want to cry anymore. Not like this, not in front of everyone. He still felt plenty emotional to break down later.

“Now, how are you feeling? Are you still in pain?” She asked quietly a minute later.

“I… I feel numb.” It wasn’t from the bacta.

She looked away, trying to decide if that was good or bad. “Well, I guess that’s better than pain?”

Sure. He thought. It’s loads better to no longer have the distraction of the physical pain… This emotional stabbing feeling was so much better than the way his side had just felt…. Or any other part of him…

Oh, stars he could use a full-body bacta spray. A bacta shower perhaps. There were so many wounds and broken bones.

He was reminded all of a sudden, of another shower… There was something about it but he couldn’t quite place it…

When the bacta had done enough for him to be able to stand, he had put his helmet back on. Fennec had called for Boba. Bo-Katan and Koska said their goodbyes and stayed on the ship. He wasn’t sure what they were going to do with it, but he guessed he’d see them again since he had the darksaber.

Boba had picked him up and asked where the little guy was and the women on the ship had responded at the same time.

“Don’t!”

“Oh…” He had uttered.

Din hated that tone more than anything. He was feeling so hurt and overwhelmed and devastated he couldn’t help but snap at him.

“He’s not dead! He just needs training. This had been the quest this whole time..!”

Everyone else had stayed quiet. They had all understood he was hurting, but nobody wanted to get snapped at.

They dropped him and Cara off on Nevarro and she had helped him out with more bacta. She had spent a week trying to help him out, but he refused every time.

And then, after all that, he had ended up here…

Where was here anyway?

He looked around. Hm… He was sitting on the floor, he was wet… was it the tears..? He touched his face, then his hair, it was wet as well. He looked up and was hit in the face with water.

Oh right. Shower. He was taking a shower.

How long had it been?

When did he sit down?

He attempted to get up and got somewhat of an answer to the second question; too long. Everything was aching.

He figured he’d better start his shower from the top, because he couldn’t even remotely remember if he had done anything or if he had just walked in and sat down.

His skin was wrinkly and sore… he had definitely been in there too long. He sighed. Every day had been odd so far. Both numb and utterly painful. He barely slept and when he did he had nightmares… he barely ate… definitely drank… Things were mostly a blur.

He shook his head and got back to his shower.

When he was done, dry, and dressed, he cleaned the beskar and put it back on. He didn’t want to show himself more than he already had. He didn’t want people to see his face, because that was only for Grogu. Except then he remembered how he had sat at the bar downing drink after drink every single day and he realized he hadn’t been hiding himself very well at all.

When he was ready to return to the outside world he made a b-line for that same bar. He could use a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof this was a big one! I hope you liked my version of all the pain..! Next chapter won't be as long, I think. Please let me know your thoughts. 🥰


	2. This was supposed to be The Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Din struggles with what the Tribe has and hasn't taught him, with being alone, with the Crest being gone, and... well... it's a lot. Grogu struggles with his memories of the man he had come to see as his dad, but had given him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. This is a painful one y'all.

Greef, unlike Cara, had not seen Din without his helmet on yet. He hadn't taken it off in front of him or even near him, for as far as he knew. He was okay with that. 

Despite what Din thought, Cara hadn't told Greef in great detail how he had taken his helmet off in a room full of people, nor that he had even taken off all the armor to put on a disguise. The only thing that Cara had told him was that Din had taken the helmet off for the kid.

So when Greef walked into the bar and saw the Mandalorian sitting at one of the tables, he hadn’t expected him to just look up and remove his helmet.

Din thought, since he had just ordered a drink, he needed to take it off to be able to drink it. It didn’t even register that he hadn’t shown his face to him yet until Greef yelped.

“Mando!” Greef exclaimed as he turned around quickly. “You should’ve said something! I didn’t see anything, I swear.”

Din just sighed. He was feeling too drained from his vivid memory of the rescue mission to care anymore. He needed that drink, and he needed it now.

“It’s fine. You can look.”

“Are you sure…?” Greef refused to turn around. He was frowning at the bartender who walked past and shrugged at him. She had seen him sitting here day drinking for the past week, so it was nothing new. For Greef though, that was all kinds of new; this was not how he knew the Mandalorian.

Din sighed again. “Turns out I’ve been raised in a cult.”

The other man moved his head towards him, but still didn’t look.

“Sit down, Greef. It’s fine.” Din grumbled. He did not have the energy for this. Sure, they had barely spoken since he had returned, but he knew Cara had told him everything. So surely he knew that he had taken off his helmet in a room filled with people too. He was convinced he already knew.

Greef did _not_ know him like this. This whole week had been very strange and, well, sad. Greef knew him as a grumpy badass who didn’t talk much. He never accepted a drink, and most definitely would rather die than be seen without his helmet. The only thing that seemed to be the same right now was the constant sighing, but unlike the usual impatient sighs, these sounded more like sad exhaustion.

Greef carefully turned around, and smiled sadly when their eyes met.

“Time for a drink, then?” He tried not to let the disagreement be obvious in his voice. It wasn’t even noon yet and as he sat down the bartender was already bringing the man his second drink. He gulped it down before Greef could say anything else. He was at a loss for words.

“You want anything, Greef?” He said no. Not like this. “Can I have two more of these?” Din asked the bartender anyway. She nodded. The look in her eyes had a hidden sadness; only there if you knew it should be.

Greef signaled at her. “Make it one.”

“They’re both for me,” Din said bitterly.

Greef finally turned to look at him fully. His eyes scanned him over. He looked terrible, but at least he seemed to have showered. That was a plus, because he was pretty sure he hadn’t showered since he got there.

“I’m well aware. I’m also aware that you already look terrible, and I would bet my house on you feeling terrible, so why pour alcohol on that?”

Din grumbled. “Since when have you become the sensible one here?”

Greef pulled a face that just made Din feel more irritated. “Since my friend is clearly goin’ through it and he’s going to turn into a ragin’ alcoholic if I do nothin’.”

“I’m fine.” He said before he downed another drink in one go.

“Oh please, Mando..! Look at you. You’re taking off your helmet and you don’t even care? This is your third drink this morning and they’re going down like it’s nothing. How long has it been since you’ve eaten anything?”

Din shrugged. “Apparently that’s normal for Mandalorians.” He ignored the other comments. “I’ve met several, even ones who are from actual Mandalore, and they just take off their helmets all the time. I’ve been raised in a cult that fixated on anonymity.”

He thought back to his childhood. They all raised him but he never really had one person take care of him. It was always someone else every morning, or maybe it wasn’t and they just put on different armor every day. It’s not like he would’ve been able to tell. The only times it had been obvious was if someone was taller or broader than the day before. They never taught him, or the other foundlings anything about the Jedi or the force or much about other worlds either.

He wasn’t sure when he had stopped talking and continued in his thoughts, so he shook his head and proceeded out loud. “There is so much that I could’ve… that I _should’ve_ known… all this time… that they purposely didn’t teach us.”

He downed the drink the bartender handed him. She knew him well enough to know she could wait at the table as he drank it, so she could bring the glass back with her.

“They taught me to never show my face, to never give my name, to never learn other people’s names, to never get attached.” He gritted his teeth and then he slumped in his seat. “I still got attached… and I tried so hard not to… I wanted…” He signaled the lady to bring him another. He definitely needed to be more drunk if he was going to actually talk about things. “I wanted to hold him…” He looked down at his arms and found himself sitting as if he was actually holding the kid. He sighed. Not this again…

Greef wondered how many drinks he had had this morning. He seemed on the verge of drunkenness already. Had he been drinking on his own in his room before he had come here? He was going to have to check the room for bottles at some point.

“I wanted to make him laugh… I wanted to coddle him like you did..!” His tone is accusatory.

The lady brought the drink and he gulped it down again. Greef signaled for her to not bring him any more drinks. She nodded, but Greef wasn’t sure if she cared more about her income than this man’s safety.

“Greef I… I’m not sure who I am…” Oh, the alcohol was in his system alright.

Din stretched his hands on the table and then smacked his forehead down on it. Mando never talked much, so Greef knew things were bad. Very bad. His voice was muffled by the table as he continued.

“The Tribe they… they taught me things that aren’t true. They specifically did not teach me other things that are… How do I know that who I think I am today is really me? How do I know it’s not just what they made me into?”

Greef pulled a face. How could he possibly answer that? He’d argue that nobody really knows who they are without certain influences, but that wouldn’t help him at all.

“The Tribe taught me that a sense of self would be bad for me. That it would create a weakness that would betray me. If anyone were to find out anything personal about me they would always use it against me. They said all I needed to be was strong and resilient, and to never show my face.”

Greef stayed quiet, he had no idea how to reply and Din clearly had things to discuss. Or, just to let out at the very least.

“Anonymity was what would keep me safe.” He looked back up at Greef. “All it gave me was a life where I worked and lived from blurry day to blurry kriffing day. Nothing kriffing mattered except survival. It was a life of kill or be killed. It was a life… alone.”

He gritted his teeth. His vision was getting blurry and he did not want Greef to see him like that, but the alcohol was definitely doing something to him, and he couldn’t seem to stop.

“And then the kid came along.” Greef nodded. He understood. He had known him for a long time, and he also understood from what he just said, that he must have been _so_ alone. Greef himself had never felt alone. He had spent his days in the cantina surrounded by friends and coworkers. He had always had people around him to look out for him and he knew the Mandalorian, no matter what, had always been alone.

“I… It’s worse now.” Din stared at the ground behind Greef, trying to stop the tears from forming. “It wasn’t… _great_ before… but after spending so much time together… it’s worse now.”

“Marshall Dune and I are here. I know it’s not much, and it’s certainly not the same… but I hope it can bring you some comfort.” He fidgeted. He was not good at this. “You’re not alone, Mando.”

Din wanted to tell him to call him Din instead of Mando, but he didn’t. Just like he wanted to say that his life had been a blur for the past 30 years and he didn’t know how to get out of that.

Not that he knew how many years it had been exactly. The past years had been so clouded he didn’t remember much. The first years after his parents had died had been a blur too. All he knew was that at some point The Tribe had told him he had come of age. If that day had been his birthday he did not know. Hell, most of his life had been a blur really.

Living from day to day, trying to survive, trying to be able to eat… He would go days without eating. He would go days without sleeping or bathing or washing his clothes too. Especially with traveling to different planets, ones that had completely different time zones than Nevarro. Sometimes he’d travel so much it’d be day for a 100 hours in a row. Sometimes he’d travel at night and it’d be night for a 100 hours in a row. It all blurred together.

All he knew was eating, working, and fighting for hours upon hours, and then finally getting paid, collapsing.. and then eating and back to work.

“I don’t care about the helmet anymore.” He knew it wasn’t true at all. He still cared so much. It was just so dank hard to turn it off, but he hoped that saying it out loud would make it a little bit more true.

“…nor the creed. I need to figure out what I’ve been taught wrong or not at all. I need to figure out who… I am.” _without the kid._ He didn’t say that part, but he didn’t need to; Greef knew.

“Well…” Greef said, he wasn’t really sure what he could say. “If you need, or _want_ , my help figuring out who you are… you know where to find me.”

“How could you help me?” Din asked, because he genuinely didn’t know.

“Well, we could try food, drinks, games. See what you like, what you don’t like. It’s an easy start.” He couldn’t really offer anything else. It was not like he was good at these kinds of things.

He had known Mando for many years and he’d never seen him eat or drink or enjoy anything, so he couldn’t just mention the things he had learned over the years. He never cared about spice or the healing baths or anything like it, so all he could think of was food and games. He didn’t even know if any of that would do anything for him. He had obviously been eating all his life… He must really like this drink he kept gulping down one after the other…

Greef sat there silently thinking for a moment. He hadn’t learned anything about him until he stole back the kid and gave up the guild to keep him safe. All those years he hadn’t known that he had been dealing with a man who lost his parents as a kid. Someone who had grown up mostly without those parents, nor a proper replacement.

Din thought about his offer. That was a nice idea actually. Not that he wanted Greef there with him while he figured those things out… but he could definitely try some foods and drinks by himself. Maybe he could even suggest a game during the evenings that Cara and Greef forced him to hang out with them.

He thought for maybe a tad too long and then he turned to the bartender. Greef wanted to stop him from ordering more drinks, but Din stopped him instead.

“Can I get some blue milk?” He asked her to everyone’s surprise. Greef and the bartender definitely had not expected him to decide so quickly.

He knew Greef had to go soon, so he could figure these things out alone in peace. Well, alone with the bartender there, but she was the only one there during the day anyway. Although, he was awfully tired all of a sudden. Maybe he should lie down for a bit? He had been walking again last night…

Greef apologized for having to leave already and Din promised it was okay.

“…and thank you… for listening.” He said with an awkward nod. His mother had taught him to always be polite, no matter how hard it was, so that’s what he did.

“Anytime, Mando.” Greef nodded back, and then left. He was bad at this but he cared about Mando, so he had to try something.

The bartender came over with the drink and placed a sack next to it. “On the house.” She said. He didn’t have to check to know what was inside; this was not the first time she had done this. It was food. He barely ate, and drank a lot. Why she cared he did not know. Maybe it was because some days he would sit in the bar and gulp down drink after drink just to end up crying about his past. He had probably told her more about himself than he ever had to anyone.

She watched him from behind the bar. She had seen him go through all kinds of stages of depression and grief. It was tough to watch.

Din sat there for a few more minutes, downed the milk, and then got up. He paid the bartender, nodded at her as a thank you, and put his helmet back on.

He was trying his best to feel okay. He knew he had been seen without the helmet but it was still hard to accept that. It had been a choice, for Grogu, but dank farrik it had been hard. The first few days back here he had refused to take it off except for the one room. That had soon turned into that room and the bar, but other than that, nowhere.

He was staying in the old room where he had grown up. It was a shared room for all the foundlings. The bed he had slept on was still there. It was still just as uncomfortable as it had been back then.

He spent hours upon hours in the old room. He laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He thought of all the days he had spent with the kid. All the fun they had… all the bad things that had happened… the really, utterly terrible things that had happened…

At the same time, Grogu was lying on his own bed, staring at his very own ceiling. He was supposed to be sleeping, but all he could do was think about Din. The sounds of his sighs, his chuckles, his grumbles. The feeling of his arms around him, the feeling of holding his hand… even if it was just the one finger… He remembered the feeling of the helmet being pressed against his forehead, and the feeling of his bare thumb running along his cheek. Oh, the warmth and the love that had come from him as he had cupped his face… Not just from his hand, but from his heart as well. 

He loved the memory but… it also hurt. He hated how he hadn’t been able to heal him. Him. His dad. Because that’s what he was. At least, that’s how Grogu saw him. He was mad at himself for not being able to heal him. He was mad at Luke for not sensing that he wanted to heal him and helping him out. Luke could’ve healed him just fine, but instead, he chose not to.

He pushed away the memory of Din falling to his knees and decided to focus instead on the memory of his face. He had tried to take it all in. Every single line and hair. It made sense now, this odd harsh feeling he had felt through the fabric around his neck.

Every time Din had to climb up or down the ladder in the Crest, he had told him to hold on tight. And every single time Grogu had taken advantage of that moment to cuddle up into his neck. Every single time he had felt the scruff through the fabric, but since he had never seen his face, he hadn’t even realized that it was his beard he was feeling. If he had known he probably would have touched it more. Just to get more of a feel for who he was underneath it all.

Grogu laid in the bed that was too big, under a blanket that didn’t warm him, staring at the ceiling and wondering if Din thought of him sometimes.

He must at least remember some of their fun times together, right?

Din, laid in the bed that was too small, under a blanket that made him too warm, staring at the ceiling and wondering if Grogu thought of him sometimes.

He must at least… remember that he came to rescue him, right?

After shaking his head out of that thought, Din remembered the sound of his giggles, his cooing, his wordless babbles. He remembered the feeling of his arms in his neck as he climbed down the ladder of the Crest, the way he had cuddled up to him when they napped on the kriffing ice planet, or the way he had looked at him back on Tatooine after he had gotten his jetpack back from those bandits.

He spent so many hours just lying in the mostly empty room, staring at the ceiling. There were many tears throughout those hours. Some of them were angry tears, some were frustrated, most were sad.

As he laid on the bed and got back to his usual pastime of staring at the ceiling, he sighed heavily. He couldn’t figure out how to get comfortable, and so he removed his helmet and placed it next to himself on the nightstand. He still couldn’t get comfortable, just like every time he did this. He sighed out for as long as he could.

He continued to stare at the ceiling as he tried to figure out what to do now that he was alone again. Besides the little things Greef had suggested, he didn’t exactly have anything he wanted to do in the future. All this time he had thought that he would deliver Grogu to his kind and then he would take the Crest, his home, back to the covert, his other home, and he would take it slow for a while. He thought he would relax, check on the foundlings, and slowly work on the Crest to make it better and safer and more comfortable… for a certain kid perhaps…

He sighed. Why did his mind always go back to him? No matter what he thought about nowadays, his mind would always take him back to Grogu. He would always wonder where he was and what he was doing and how he was feeling…

He breathed deeply, instead of sighing, and tried his best to get back to his original thought. He wanted to figure out how to be alone. He had been great at being alone before Grogu… but now… now he was terrible at it.

While shaking his head he focused on one specific spot on the ceiling and tried to find a new shape. He managed to do that for an entire minute before his mind drifted back to Grogu again. All he could focus on were Grogu’s cute little face and the feeling of his little hand resting on his own as he tried to heal him.

The problem with that though, was that it reminded him of the final moment they had looked at each other. His own vision had been blurry from his tears, but he had still been able to see Grogu’s expression change, he had still seen him reach out for him the moment he fell to his knees… and maybe worst of all… he had heard his panicked and concerned cry at seeing him collapse.

Din wasn’t surprised when the tears started forming again. He sat up and leant his arms on his knees. He hated the feeling of the tears pooling up in his ears, he’d rather feel them streaming down his cheeks.

He heard a knock a few minutes later. How many minutes it had been he didn’t know. He quickly wiped his nose on a rag he had lying around and put the helmet on.

“Come in.” He said in his best I’m-totally-okay voice.

Cara opened the door and peeked inside. “You okay in here?”

The nod he gave was too fast and too shaky to be taken seriously. Cara considered telling him that, but she decided against it when she heard him sniffle quietly.

“Will you join me and Greef for dinner tonight?”

It was an attempt to stop him from walking out of town, Din knew that. He had been walking a lot lately. It was the only thing he could do at night. Sleeping was not an option.

He swallowed before speaking again.

“Sure. I’ll be there.” He said monotonal.

Cara smiled, looked around the room, and then nodded. She tried to think of something else to say or to ask, but nothing came to mind.

“Great.” She nodded again. “See you then.”

“Yeah… see you then..!”

Things were weird between them now. Nothing had really happened to mess up their friendship, but Din just refused to talk to her about anything. He did _not_ want to talk to her about how he was feeling or what he was thinking of.

“Maybe catch some sun today. It’s very nice out.”

He had barely been outside today. He had walked to the showers, walked to the bar, and back to his room.

“Sure.” He nodded, sighed, and got up. “I’ll go outside for a bit.”

He did indeed go outside, but he made sure to get Cara distracted so that he could walk away without her noticing and be alone at last.

He didn’t go far. There was one spot he liked to sit and just blankly stare in front of himself. He could vaguely hear the droid teaching her class from there. It was nice because sometimes it would teach him something new. It was bad because he would then feel angry with the tribe once again, for not teaching him these things.

One moment, an hour later, something silly must have happened in the class. Suddenly all the kids were laughing. He hadn’t heard what had been so funny, but before he knew it he was walking over to the door. It opened, he stepped inside and all of a sudden he found himself standing in the entrance looking at the class.

“Can I help you?” The droid asked.

Din’s eyes scanned the room, they were glassy, as if he wasn’t in control of where they were going. They landed on the seat Grogu had been in. Unfortunately, it was empty. He could feel his heart clench at the sight. Oh, how it hurt to think back to that day.

He had been running through that base, frantically trying to remember the way out. The sight of the experiments and the thought of having lost him had been so incredibly stuck in his head, he was surprised he made it out of there alive.

As he had flown back to the town he had been beating himself up for willingly bringing the kid there. For bringing him into danger. He had already started hating himself for the danger he had undoubtedly put the kids into as well. He thought, if he got back and found the whole class dead he was going to find Moff Gideon and gut him like a fish.

He had run through the crowd of unsuspecting people and into the school as fast as he could. He remembered feeling his knees weaken when he saw they were all okay.

Unlike this time, the droid had threatened him. “Hold on, what are you doing in my class? I _will_ protect these children.” They had said, a hand on their blaster.

He remembered absolutely panicking, thinking that the Empire was going to find them any minute now and harm all of the children. So he had shaken with panic and exclaimed, “I’m here to pick up my kid!”

He had picked him up and asked him about the cookies. Grogu had pointed at another kid, whose eyes had widened and quickly told him to keep them. He hadn’t had the time to ask why the kid was afraid of Grogu.

On this particular afternoon, Din’s eyes moved over and fell on the same young boy, sitting at the same table, eating… the same blue cookies.

The tears were rolling down his cheeks before he knew what was happening. His knees felt weak again. He staggered backward, and missed the step down. He stumbled for two steps and ended up falling onto his back in the middle of the street.

He was thankful he wasn’t wearing his jetpack. However, he was not thankful for the fact that the sun blinded him so much he couldn’t think. It took him a moment to realize what had happened. When it registered he let his head fall back onto the ground again.

The inside of his helmet was getting soaked and dirty from the tears and the snot. It was hell to clean up so he had to make a decision, right now. Either he had to get up and leave, or take the helmet off in front of everyone. He tried to get up but it was like his legs had lost all movability; they could not support him whatsoever.

So he moved to a seat position, removed the helmet, and let it roll out of his hands onto the ground. He let himself fall backward too fast and his body hit the ground too hard, but it didn’t matter. This might as well happen. All of this was fine. It was totally normal to walk into your kid’s old classroom and then feeling so overwhelmed you reveal your identity while you lay on the ground in the middle of the street.

Greef was looking at him from the door of his house. He had no clue what to do. He knew why going into that school must have hurt, and he had no idea how to make him feel better about that. What was there to say?

Din just laid there, eyes fixated on a cloud. For as far as he could see through the tears. Why did it have to hurt this much? He knew this was the right thing to do. He knew the kid was safe and probably happy- oh stars. Was he… happy?

He moved up abruptly.

What if he wasn’t happy?

What if he gave the kid to this Jedi just to let him be unhappy?

No.

No no no.

He couldn’t think that way. It was already hurting enough as it was. It already hurt so much thinking he was happy. He couldn’t go out and think about him being unhappy. He would just want to get on a ship and fly over to him to make sure he would be happy… but he didn’t know where he was. It was impossible for him to help.

He shook his head. No, that thought would just invite in more pain.

He wiped the tears off his face, grabbed the helmet, and put it on.

Greef quickly disappeared back into his room so that Din wouldn’t see that he had been looking.

Din slowly got up. He looked around and nobody was looking at him. By now they all knew he was like this. Everyone knew he was hurting. They all felt for him.

He was thankful that they were at least pretending to not have seen him. It made it easier to tell himself he was still in control of his life and what was happening.

He quickly made his way back to the covert. Except his weakened legs did not take him to his room. Instead, they took him to the armorer’s room. He was reminded of the last time he was there. It was the time she had given him the signet.

_A clan of two._

Oh, stars that hurt.

 _You are as its father,_ kept repeating itself over and over in his head. He wasn’t ready to accept that part yet… He was very purposely trying to get his head to stop but it just… would not. Why would he be reminded of that? He was _not_ his father. Absolutely not.

To Grogu, this was another memory he thought of often. Luke was probably telling him something important but his mind was stuck in a memory of the armorer looking at him and saying he looked helpless. Dad had said he had saved him. He remembered that had made him feel very proud. Dad has saved him many times, it was nice to think he saved him once too.

It hurt to think about these things, especially when he could sense Luke was getting more and more frustrated every time he refused to listen to him. He just really needed his dad to be okay. He had been so hurt when he last saw him. Would he be okay? Was he okay? Or was he still suffering?

No, he couldn’t think like that. He was strong and badass and a real hero. He would be fine. Even if they were supposed to be a clan of two, and now they were… one… apart from the other…

He whined sadly and looked down. He could hear Luke sighing and coming over to him. “Your dad is fine, Grogu. I’m sure he’s doing just fine.” He tried to reach out for him but Grogu moved away. “Let go of your worries, young one. You have much to learn.”

Grogu hadn’t heard the last thing Luke had said. All he could think about were the words of the armorer. “By Creed, until it is of age, or reunited with its own kind, you are as its father.” Did that mean he was now no longer his dad? That thought scared him so much it made him angry.

Luke sighed. This was the fifth tantrum… of the day… He pinched the bridge of his nose and then started to try to calm him down. Again.

At the same time, Din was thinking about the same thing. Well, he wasn’t thinking that he used to be his dad and now no longer was… No, he was thinking that he hadn’t been like his dad, but towards the end, he had started to be. As much as he didn’t want to admit that, he could still feel it somewhere deep down. It became stronger the more he heard the armorer repeat her words.

_You are as its father._

Why would his head fixate on that part? He was definitely not his father. He was not. He pushed the thought away, again. As he had been for the past week.

His brain, ever so helpful, reminded him of what Ahsoka had said. “You are like a father to him.”

No, he was not. He was just some guy. He wasn’t special. He wasn’t important to him.

Yet somehow… that thought hurt him too… he just couldn’t catch a break, huh? Thinking of himself as a father figure hurt, and thinking of himself as anything but a father figure hurt too…

How was he supposed to deal with this?

Finally, his legs took him back to his room and allowed him to sit down. He checked the time. There was still plenty of time for him to lie down and regret more things. He wasn’t sure why he tortured himself like this, but it was like he just.. couldn’t stop himself.

He laid there and remembered them walking places together. At first, it had been with him in the little bassinette, but then after that… horrifying day he definitely did not want to think about… they lost the bassinette. The plus side of that day was that they had brought the Frog-lady to her husband, and they had met Bo-Katan and Koska who had helped him a lot.

That reminded him of something else, the darksaber. He hadn’t touched it since he got here. He put it away in a secret hideout and hadn’t looked back at it. He really did not want to feel that thing in his hand again. He had been practicing with the spear when he got so angry he couldn’t let go of it, and that had already been too much of a reminder to the fight on the cruiser.

Anyway… where had his mind gone now..? He had been thinking about something else but… he couldn’t even remember what it was…

Something about walking…

Or right.

He had been thinking about them walking places together, and after… after that moment… on that boat… when he… No. He shook his head. He was not going there again. They lost the bassinette was the point. They had lost it and then he had to carry him for a while and that had been nice. After that, he had carried him around a lot. Both in that bag and in his arms.

He missed that feeling so much. The feeling of having him close… knowing where he was at all times… feeling him holding onto his finger…

Din chuckled to himself. He remembered one time, when Grogu had been in the bag at his side and he had been standing still, and his hand had gotten so close to his head that he had nuzzled his face into his palm. Both his little hands had held onto one finger, to keep his hand right there, and he had felt himself melting. He regretted his reaction very much now…

He had felt himself melting and his heartwarming and it had made him panic… so he had yanked his hand away and pretended he needed it to grab something.

He could still hear the sad little sounds he had made. It broke his heart.

He sat up angrily. This was not making him feel any better. He should go for a walk. These tunnels were a maze, so they ought to be a good place to stumble around in right? And so, just like every single day, his pain led to frustration, his frustration led to restlessness, and his restlessness led to him walking.

He got up and started wandering around again. He thought he was just aimlessly roaming around, but no. His mind was playing tricks again. He walked to one of the rooms where he used to hang out with the foundlings when he was older than them, but still young. He had probably been in his teens, but he couldn’t remember the details.

He stood there and leant against the doorpost. He stared into the dark room and vaguely remembered running around with the kids and trying to make them laugh.

Most of the others would shake their heads at him disapprovingly. Some would even tell him to stop, but he would always tell them to mind their own business. He had been a miserable foundling. He had always been grateful that they were taking care of him, but he had always felt miserable nonetheless. He knew why now. They had barely been taking care of him, but had still made him feel like he owed them everything.

When the memories of his time playing with the foundlings became too much he moved on to the next room. He moved from room to room, some hit him with memories and some did nothing at all. None of them gave him what he was seeking. Although if he had to be honest, he wasn’t sure what he was seeking in the first place. Except for perhaps a small green little boy…

He entered a room he had never been in. It was a room that had always been locked. It was for safety they had said. For years he had thought it had something to do with the lava river or another form of heat, because all he knew was that it was always warmer near that room than anywhere else.

Nothing could have prepared him for this though…

The room was… empty.

It was a big, empty room with walls that went about halfway up. In the back, on the right, behind the final wall, there was a door. It was higher up in the wall, but still hidden when looked at from the entryway.

As he stared at that little door, he understood what the room was for. He was looking at a safe… and these half-walls were to sit behind and stay safe from enemies. This room was here to protect whatever was in the safe. He wondered what was in it. Or what had been, if it had been taken out when the Mandalorians left.

Exactly how long he had spent trying to open it up he did not know… but it was finally open. He took a deep breath and tried to ready himself for anything. He had absolutely no idea what could be in there.

He opened the door and looked inside. His flashlight was barely strong enough to light the whole thing up. It was… mostly empty. Again. All that was in it was a big bag filled with… something. He couldn't see what it was. It felt unnerving. A shiver went up his spine and something made him feel like he was not going to like what was in the bag. Still, he wanted to know. He felt a strange _need_... like he absolutely had to know what was in the bag.

He reached out for it with his blaster and poked it.

Nothing.

He did it again, just to make sure. Nothing again.

With a final check, he put away the blaster and then reached out with both his hands. As he pulled it up and out of the safe, it made a lot of noise and it caused his heart to race faster than it had in a while. If anyone else was down here still, to protect it, or maybe to steal it, they will have definitely heard him.

He placed the bag down on the ground carefully. He still had no idea what was in it. After a deep breath, a harsh swallow, and a shake of his head, he looked outside the room to make sure he was alone. When he was stood in front of the bag again, he opened it up carefully and peeked inside.

When he saw what was on top, he stepped back so fast he slammed into the wall.

No…

This….

Of all things…

Not this…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts 🥰


	3. Well, is this the way?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is it that he found in the safe..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❗ Trigger warning discusses the death of children ❗
> 
> I do want to quickly say, please see Cara as her own character and not as the shitty Gina Ca(n fork herself)rano. Good riddance, but I do hope they recast the character because the idea of Cara was cool.

He stepped back so fast he slammed into the wall.

No…

This….

Of all things…

Not this…

He slid down the wall, shaking his head in disbelief. In fact, all of him was shaking. He tried to remember what Cara had told him about panic attacks and how to push them away. It was something about feet and focusing on how they felt. He tried his best to focus on the feeling of his socks, his shoes, anything else… but all his head could do was hit him with flashbacks.

He heard the children’s laughter as if they were in the room with him, even if he knew they were not. He could hear them giggling, the sound of their feet hitting the ground as they ran around, their happy screaming… “Tag you’re it!”

His head fell into his hands as he tried to breathe.

Why did he have to find this…

His eyes were stinging, a now familiar lump in his throat was back. He took off his helmet and threw it aside without a care. He let his head fall backward against the wall and closed his eyes. He breathed in and out as deeply as he could.

Din tried to keep his eyes shut but instead, his eyes just fixated on the one thing he did not want to see. Why did he have to be curious? Why had there been this strong need to check what was inside the bag? He did not want to deal with this on top of everything else.

He banged his head backward against the wall several times, before leaning forward and grabbing the piece of armor.

It was the helmet of one of the foundlings.

He looked at it up close, his hands trembling as he held it. There was obvious damage. There were indents from blaster shots, scratches, and deep gashes from knives… and one… big… _hole_ in the visor…

He tried to swallow away the lump in his throat, in the hopes that the tears would stay inside with it.

He still blamed himself for the covert falling apart. Despite being close to hating the tribe now, he still knew their suffering was his fault. _He_ had taken on the job with the empire, _he_ had gotten a full new beskar armor, _he_ had gone back to steal the kid in his new armor and had gotten himself into trouble. _He_ had been the one they came to safe… the one they gave it all up for.

Sure, the armorer was right when she said it was their choice, they could’ve just let him and the kid die, or let him die and let the kid go back to the empire just for them to hurt him and use his powers for terrible things. She had been right, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t his fault.

If he hadn’t given up Grogu to the empire in the first place, everything would have been fine. They would’ve stayed in the covert and he would’ve hidden somewhere with Grogu. Sure that would’ve made everyone else with a fob, so everyone in the guild and probably outside too, come for them to hunt them down… and he would still have been stuck with his shitty falling apart armor, instead of the amazing pure beskar stuff he had now… and he wouldn’t have had any new ammo either… But still..! Everyone else would have been safe. The foundlings… the _children_ … would have been safe.

He looked over the helmet again, scanning it over until his eyes went back to the obvious hole in the visor. He screwed his eyes shut. Slowly, he started leaning forward, until his forehead hit the helmet.

“Y’sanna…” He whispered.

He remembered her very well. She had struggled with losing her parents in a similar way as him. He had spent many days sitting behind her, his back turned to her, her back pressed against his. They would sit like that when she had to take her helmet off to cry. He didn’t want her to cry alone, but he didn’t want her to get in trouble with the tribe either.

She had been 7 when she lost her parents, and just about everything about her had reminded him of himself.

When he was last in these tunnels, the first time he faced Gideon, he had looked for the armor of the kids. The pile of armor of his fallen siblings had only been the armor of the adults.

They hadn’t had the time to ask the armorer about the kids. What had happened to them? Had they been murdered just like the others? He had wanted to ask, but he had been hurt and they had to get to safety and quick.

All this time he had told himself that they had miraculously gotten away, and yet he could feel in his heart that they had not…

He couldn’t really understand why the armorer had put the children’s armor in the safe, but… at least he had an answer now… They were gone…

He carefully put the helmet aside and started pulling out every single piece and laying them out on the ground. He needed to know if the armor of all of the foundlings was in there.

It did not take long before he had figured out that all five of the foundlings’ armors were in the bag. However, it took him a while to figure out which piece was from which kid in the dimly lit room. Their armors weren't the same as the adults. The foundlings had a helmet, arm and chest plates for under their clothes, and shin plates. He spent what felt like forever placing them with the right kid.

When he was finally done he took a step back and looked at the five little bodies that seemed to be lying on the ground in front of him. There was so much damage to each one of them… The gaping holes in places that would have most definitely killed them seemed to be staring back at him. _This is your fault._ He could hear their little voices say.

He felt himself starting to crumble and reached out for one of the walls. He had to keep standing. He refused to give in to the pain. He shook his head and kept shaking it for minutes. No. This was not happening. He was dreaming. He was going to wake up any moment now.

He bit his lip to try to stop it from trembling. Carefully, he stepped over to where their helmets were, and one by one he sank down to the ground and placed a hand on them. He picked them up and pressed what would have been their foreheads to his. With each one he closed his eyes and thought of a happy memory.

“Naos…” He sighed. What was there to say? “I’m sorry.”

“Udalé, I’m sorry.” His breath shuddered. He had been only 8 years old. Naos only 9.

He moved onto the next set and pressed his forehead to the helmet. “Medin, so strong-willed and ready to fight for yourself out in the galaxy… I know you wanted to… I’m sorry you didn’t get to.”

“Sa-kosh…” He closed his eyes so tightly he saw stars. “…you only had a few more weeks before swearing the creed. I know you were excited, I know you were ready… I’m so sorry.”

He shuffled over to the last and smallest armor. He reached out to it again with trembling fingers. “Y’sanna…” He pressed his forehead against it so hard it hurt, but he didn’t care. “Only eight… You never even got to live a life… I’m sorry…”

He had to quickly put it down again and close his eyes, because the tears were ready to fall. They were so hot it burned and when he opened his eyes again they blurred his vision in an all too familiar way.

How had he lost all the kids he had cared for…? Had the Tribe been right? Was attachment always going to end up this way?

He had been attached to his parents and they died. Along with his friends and teachers and neighbors. He had been attached to the foundlings and the adult Mandalorians who had been foundlings when they were younger, and they also died.

Grogu hadn’t died, but… if he could never see him again, it might as well have been that way. The missing would have hurt just as much as it did now.

He startled awake from his thoughts by the alarm blaring from his arm. Dank Farrik. It was time to meet Cara and Greef for dinner.

He looked over the armor again, taking it in one last time, and then carefully put every piece back into the bag. He gently placed it back in the safe, locked it up again, and then hurried out of the room. He was late.

He tried his best to stop his lip from bleeding. He had been biting it too hard. When he decided it was finally enough he put the helmet on and ran up the stairs to his friends.

“Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late.” He said out of breath. Wow, he really was out of practice..! He made a mental note to get back to training, because he could _not_ be losing all his carefully built up strength too… Maybe it was just because he still felt weak from the mourning he just did, but either way, if he lost his physical strength on top of it all… he would really, truly, have nothing left.

As he sat there, trying to decide what to eat, he just felt nauseated. How could he eat when he had robbed those children of their lives? They should be sitting somewhere picking out dinner, not him..!

Oh no, their order was being taken already…

“Uhh, I’ll have a broth.” That should be okay for now, right? No crazy flavors or textures for this stomach to deal with… yeah, that should be fine.

“Just the broth?” Greef frowned. “You have to eat, Mando.”

The tone of his voice and the babying of his decision-making instantly pissed him off. “I can make my own decisions, Greef! I’m not hungry right now, so I’ll have the broth.”

The alien taking their order, whatever their name was, nodded at him and left.

He slumped down in the chair and folded his arms onto the table. He laid his head down on them and sighed. He was tired. The flashbacks and the almost-panic attack had drained him. He hoped he was done with the vivid memories for today; he still wanted to walk tonight and he needed energy for that.

He removed his helmet and then laid down again. He really did not want to talk to either of his friends. There was so much pain in his heart, even more than there already had been that morning. At least he could take a moment free of flashback before his walk.

What he hadn’t realized, though, was that the broth would remind him of them sitting on the only barely functioning Crest, sipping on their broths together. That had been the first time he allowed himself to share something with him. Properly. Not like the sleeping chamber which was just simply the only option he had.

The moment the broth was standing in front of him and the smell hit his nose he was lost.

It had been the first time he had willingly removed his helmet enough to sip at the broth. He had noticed Grogu had tried to take a peek. He hadn’t mentioned it or told him off because he didn’t mind. He had wished he could show who he truly was to him for a while then. As much as he had tried to ignore and even push away that wish… it had definitely been in his head for a long time. He had wanted to be able to smile at him and have him actually see it, but dealing with what Bo-Katan had said proved to be harder than he liked.

He had been thinking about what she had said a lot. At the time, he had dreamt about it every time he slept or so much as closed his eyes too long. She was a Mandalorian from the actual planet and she just.. removed her helmet. All the time. And it didn't matter. He remembered thinking something that had absolutely shaken him to his core… _“If they can remove their helmet in front of just anyone, why can’t I remove my helmet in front of my son? Or the_ _kid_ _. Not son. Kid._ _The_ _kid. Not_ _mine_ _.”_

Oh, how that thought had been stuck in his head… So much so that it caused a major distraction. He had forced himself to put that thought far away and to lock the door, just like he had with all the other similar thoughts. If he locked them far enough away he could pretend they never happened in the first place.

He was unfortunately also reminded of why they had been enjoying some soup together in the first place; he had hurt him. The thing with the wires… he never should’ve done that… At the time it seemed like a logical thing to do… if their ship fell apart while they were in space they would both die. He hadn’t cared about himself dying at the time, he just didn’t want the kid to die because of him. Somewhere deep down he knew it was selfish to not care about his own death, but accepting that meant accepting other things he wasn’t ready for yet.

And so, he had held up the kid to an opening of the Crest and let him pull out some wires he couldn’t reach himself, just to put them back somewhere else. He hadn’t checked if he knew his colors, or if he knew wires, or if he really understood what Din was saying at all. It was a mistake he would never make again. Although he did hope for a chance to make mistakes again… That would mean he got to see him again. No matter how selfish, it was all he wanted.

He tried to think back fondly, but it was just so hard. He had told him to hold the wires apart but he hadn’t understood. “No..! Hold them apart..!” He had warned. He could still feel the panic rising in his chest at the memory. Especially the part where he made the wires touch and he got shocked so bad his little hairs stood up.

He remembered feeling terrible for the mistake he had made. He still did. The poor kid. Grogu had waddled his way back over to him, and he had held him up in the light to see if he was okay. He had smoothed out his little hairs on his head and then fought the urge to cradle his face.

“How are you feeling, kid?” He had asked. The noises he made he hadn’t understood but they had made his heart ache; they were so sad. He knew he was okay but he hadn’t been able to fight the urge to hold him close to his chest. He had apologized and admitted that he shouldn’t have let him do that. Not that it mattered after he had already made the mistake.

Despite that though, Grogu had still cuddled up to his neck when he needed both hands to climb down the ladder. He took full advantage of the moments Din told him to hold on tight while he climbed the ladder. Just like he always did.

Din had tried to ignore how nice that felt. Just like he always did.

He was glad his head allowed him to continue to think about the good part of that memory too. He tried his best to hold on to it for as long as he could. It had been such a nice moment. He had loved sitting there and drinking their broth together. It had made him feel… loved. Simply because he was sharing something with the kid that he hadn’t shared with anyone since he was a kid himself.

His first shared meal in about 30 years…

He had sat there next to him and sipped at his soup. He had tried to pretend that it wasn’t the most nerve-wracking thing he’d ever done.

Grogu had clearly been surprised to see him removing this helmet even a little bit. He could see him constantly trying to take a peek.

He had tried to play it cool. This was normal. He always just pulled his helmet up to take a sip of his broth or a drink…. It wasn’t new at all..!

The kid was definitely looking at him openly. He had been tilting his head and his eyes had been so big and wonderous. That look fueled him on his bad days. Along with the cute little happy noises he had made when he finally caught a glimpse. Oh, how the memory made his heart ache.

He remembered them taking a sip of their broth at the same time. It had felt so nice; like a gentle and warm family moment. No. _A_ moment. Just a moment.

During dinner, Greef and Cara had tried to talk with him at first, but after a few minutes, they figured there was no point. He probably couldn’t even hear them, he was so lost in his thoughts.

After that nice ~~family~~ moment… they had made their way back to Nevarro. Greef had left him at the school, that had been an _odd_ moment. He had memories of almost dying in that room and then they walked in and there were just a bunch of kids. Later that day he had found those experiments and had felt a panic he had never felt before.

Slowly, he started to realize he had been stuck in his head again. He shook his head and blinked a few times to get back to reality.

“Um… sorry guys.” He said sheepishly. He didn’t dare to look up at them.

His friends chuckled warmly. “Did you go to a good place at least?” Cara asked, still chuckling. He wasn’t panicking or crying or looking like he might break, so she felt confident asking him.

Din finally looked up and met her gaze. “Yes, actually.”

He looked back down at his broth and took a big gulp; he was feeling very hungry all of a sudden. “We were uhh… on our way here, a while back, you know when the Crest was falling apart..? And we had broth together. It was the first time I sort of… you know…” He slapped the helmet that was lying on the table. “…sorta lifted it up.”

He chuckled softly. “He immediately tried to take a peek.”

His face was calm and happy for the first time in… well ever… Cara had never seen him like this. Sure seeing him without the helmet was still a rare look, to begin with, but a _smile_..? That she had never seen. She shook her head with her own smile, before elbowing Greef and motioning for him to join in with the lightness of the conversation. This was the nicest chat they had had since the rescue mission.

“That sounds nice,” Greef said with an uncertain tone. He did not want to trigger a panic attack or bad memory. Hell, he didn’t even want him to think of the good memories because he knew it would only lead to him missing the kid more.

They thankfully continued to chat lightly. It was definitely becoming more and more forced the longer it went on, but it was a nice change. He did drink too much again, just like that morning. They hated it, but didn’t dare to say anything. Not again.

After dinner was holo movie night. Din definitely did not want to go. He was so dank tired and he really wanted to walk more tonight. He tried to get out of it but they made him go anyway.

They made him get him all comfortable and then gave him a blanket "because it'll get cold" but the real reason was that they were hoping he'd fall asleep. He hadn't slept properly in over a week.

Instead of sleeping, though, he sat there watching the movie while feeling wide awake. The longer he sat there, the more he felt himself switching from exhaustion to too tired to sleep. So instead he watched the holo while thinking about where he was going to walk to later. Was he going to take the same route as last night? Did he even still remember where he had walked last night? It wasn’t like he was actively aware of his walking while he did it… his head was too fixated on memories and wishes.

Suddenly his mind went utterly blank for a few moments as he stared at the holo. It featured an R2 droid, and it reminded him of the one with Grogu and Luke. It took only a second, and then he was lost again. He just sat there remembering the feeling of Grogu sitting on his lap as he reached out to get his favorite little toy. The toy he had refused… oh, how that made him ache.

A week ago he would have gotten angry at the aching, would have become grumpier than he had ever been before. For a while, he had thought it was stupid and downright insane that he ached from a loss he shouldn’t even be feeling. He had been taught how to not form any attachments and he had been good at that for thirty years and all of a sudden this kid came into his life and just… shook it all up? That was _not_ okay.

Except… it was.

Grogu had shaken everything up, and though it hurt and was beyond frustrating sometimes, he was now finally figuring out who he truly was... where his place was in the galaxy… Plus, he was no longer living from assignment to assignment. He could actually have a life now.

He had slowly, or maybe it was fast, it had only been a week… either way, he had learned to no longer be angry at the pain he felt. It was there because Grogu had been _good_ for him. It hurt, but it was good.

He felt around for the little ball in his pocket and absentmindedly rolled it around in his hands as he stared at the holo but registered nothing. 

He remembered the times Grogu would get the ball even though he had said no. He remembered Ahsoka and how they got to show off his powers to her. He remembered pacing for hours and hours, nervous in a way he couldn’t name. He remembered Grogu showing off and being so dank proud of him… and of course, he remembered learning his name right before that… Oh, the things that name had changed…

He remembered doing the get the ball game again in the Crest on their way to Tython… and that's where the pain came in… the Crest… the game… the fact that he was testing out his name and it was just so cute..! And then the fact that he got taken away and the Crest got blown up…. It hurt so much. The worst part, though, was this utter feeling of loneliness while in a room filled with people.

He tried his best to keep his cool. He tried his best to not have a panic attack or to not burst into tears. He couldn't help it when a tear ran down his cheek as he looked at the little ball in his hand.

He remembered all the times he had played with it. And all the times he had said no to him when he hadn't even gotten him a proper toy. That had been so mean of him… he was a little kid and he hadn't even allowed him to play… Sure they were constantly being chased by the Empire and other Hutt-spawn… but he still should’ve gotten him something.

He tried his best to keep focusing on the movie but the ball in his hand seemed to become heavier and heavier…

He hadn’t even noticed all the other tears that had been streaming down his face until he sniffled automatically.

Cara looked over but Din, thankfully, didn’t notice.

He frowned, and slowly brought up his free hand to touch his face. He looked down at his wet fingers and sighed. His head fell back against the pillow and sighed again. Why did he keep feeling this way? Why did he feel empty and… incomplete…?

He was just a kid.

He had just been a taxi… a babysitter… a cook…

There was no need to feel this way. He meant nothing to the kid. Of course he meant nothing to him.

In the back of his head, there was a voice that told him he was full of it. He knew the kid cared about him. He knew he was more than a babysitter… Definitely more than a cook or a taxi..! The kid- no. _Grogu_. Grogu hadn’t wanted to leave. He wanted to stay with him. He knew that.

There had been plenty of moments that proved he was more than these things. Like when he had to climb up or down the ladder of the Crest and he told the kid to hold on tight so he could use both his hands, and instead of just climbing up on his shoulder or the jetpack, he would climb up into his neck and cuddle close.

Yet the part of his head that felt sad just could not believe that those thoughts were true. No matter the list of memories that proved it, he still couldn’t believe it. Not even a little bit.

No, he was just the babysitter. In fact, not even that.

The rest of the movie registered even less. He was mostly looking up at the ceiling and inspecting the patterns while he tried his best not to think about the kid or how he felt about him.

Cara was looking at him occasionally. She wasn’t sure if there was anything she could do to help. Or if she _should_ help in the first place.

She wondered what he was thinking about. He looked… peaceful… yet the tears didn’t stop coming for a long time.

She knew he hadn’t come to terms yet with how he saw the kid, _his kid_ , but she knew it was true. They just simply were like father and son, there was no doubt about it. She also knew, though, that he had been avoiding attachment for many, many years, especially with Grogu, so she wasn’t going to push it.

The very second the holo was over Din was out the door. He didn’t say anything to his friends or the strangers in the room; he just disappeared.

And so, as he had done every day for the past week, he walked.

He walked for miles and miles, into the desert of Nevarro. He walked until he couldn’t feel his feet anymore, and then he walked until he couldn’t feel his legs anymore. He walked until he didn’t remember how to anymore, it just sort of happened without a thought. One foot in front of the other. Everything on autopilot.

On the first night that he had started walking, he had already found himself talking to the kid as if he was still there with him. He walked and he spoke to the child about his day, about things he would like to do together, and things they had done together already.

“Remember that time on Tatooine when we went to Mos Pelgo? I think we should go back there sometime.”

The first couple of times he would freeze and close his eyes and sink down to the ground. He would remove his helmet and the tears would just keep coming. He kept asking the same question. Why did it have to hurt this much?

But over time he just… let it happen. He’d just pretend he was there with him. Like nothing had changed and he was just simply walking around with the kid. He tried his best not to remind himself that he was only talking to himself. The couple of times that he had realized that had been… catastrophic…

He had started doing that because he couldn’t seem to fall asleep. No matter how exhausted he was his mind was stuck on Grogu’s little green face and his sad teary eyes as they said their goodbyes. After lying awake and daydreaming himself into a panic attack once, he just stopped trying to sleep altogether.

Every evening he just walked into the desert and walked until it was morning. He would walk through the morning market and he wouldn’t even notice the eyes that followed him. The eyes that looked sad and pitiful. They followed him as he stumbled on legs that had become numb from walking so much and for so long. He walked, and walked, and still went on.

It reminded him of that day on Tatooine when the speeder bike had been wrecked. He had walked all day in the scalding heat, but it was worth it because afterward he got to see Grogu staring at the piece of Krayt Dragon meat like he was in love with it.

On this particular night, he walked with the silver ball in his hand, rolling it around as he thought about Grogu and the little ball and how he must miss it now. Even if he refused it.

Over on the planet where Grogu was, it was night as well. He was lying on his bed, in a small room that still felt too big. Luke did not sleep in the same room as him and so he was left to stay awake and give in to his desire to think about his dad.

He rummaged around the room to try to find the necklace Din had given him. Well, technically he hadn’t given it to him, but ever since he stole it from Cara, he had held onto it. He kept it in his little jacket whenever he could, and at night, when he felt more lonely than he ever had, he held onto it.

As he laid in the big bed and stared up, he pressed the necklace against his cheek. The blanket wasn’t enough. The sleeping chamber on the Crest had always been so nice and toasty and Din had always been close, but here… here he was alone in an empty room, and cold in an empty bed.

He remembered a night back on the Crest when he had been cold and scared after a nightmare. He had looked over the edge of the hammock and had seen Din fast asleep. As he climbed out of the hammock he had almost fallen onto his leg and woken him up, but thankfully he had managed to land next to him instead.

He had waddled over to him and cuddled close to his arm. There was a moment he had thought Din was going to wake up, but he just moved a little bit, pulled him closer, and went back to sleep. It was the nicest sleep he could remember; he had slept better that night than he ever had.

In the morning he had thankfully woken up before Din had and he had hurried his way back into the hammock. He had looked at Din and the spot he had just slept and he watched Din pull his empty arms closer to his chest.

He had woken up not too much later, and he remembered quickly lying down again and pretending he was asleep. Din had caressed his cheek to wake him up. Despite the leather glove covering his finger, it had still felt so nice. He hoped his own hand on his cheek had felt nice too.

His mind drifted to the moment after the caress when Din had handed him the little ball he liked to play with. He hadn’t wanted that ball. He still didn’t. He just wanted his dad. He felt hurt and lost and betrayed. How could he just give him up like that?

Sure, he had spent many days playing with that silver ball, but that didn’t mean that he would rather have a toy over his dad.

His lip trembled at the thought. He just wanted his dad. The tears came quickly, as they always did, and he sniffled. He moved onto his side and hugged the necklace close.

It was hard to try not to cry too loudly. He didn’t want Luke to come over. He could already sense Luke was upset, disappointed, and irritated. He didn’t want him to come in and scold him for not sleeping. Again.

He hugged the necklace closer and tried to think of happy memories. Slowly but surely, the sweet moments they had shared lulled him to sleep. He dreamt of walking around together on a desert planet. Or maybe it was lava. It wasn’t clear enough to see. What he did know though, was that his dad was there talking to him as they walked on the seemingly deserted planet.

It was odd, like he was watching his dad walking from afar. Yet he could hear that he was talking to him. He couldn’t hear what he was saying, but somehow he knew it was to him. Something about the silver ball he thought, but it was unclear.

All he knew was that it was night and it looked like Nevarro. What mattered most to him though, was that it was his dad. He loved and missed him so much.

Din, as he walked there, felt something in his heart that he couldn’t place. It was warm and loving yet, he wasn’t feeling it himself. It was almost like something or _someone_ was… putting it there? He shook his head and kept walking. He couldn’t place it but it did feel awfully nice.

He thought about sleep as he continued to walk. The sun was rising and he was making his way back to the city. A part of him couldn’t wait to sleep, but he knew he could only sleep if he walked for hours upon hours. So he took the long way around. Only then would he be able to walk into his old room in the covert and collapse onto the bed. Only then could he close his eyes and actually fall asleep.

It never lasted long. He would sleep an hour or two before the nightmares started. It would take another couple of minutes before he would startle awake with a scream. He would sit in his bed upright and close his eyes tightly from the bright light coming in through the tiniest window. It was the only window the room had.

For years he had spent his life in that room. For years this had been his lonely home. For years he had sat there on that bed and stared at the small rays of sunlight coming in. He had always tried to tell himself that if he listened to the adults and trained like they asked of him that life would be better one day.

It was only in one of those mornings, in which he was blinded by the sunlight after another nightmare, that he began to realize that it had only gotten better when the kid was around. Any time before that had been…. A blur. A struggle. A mess.

Only the times with Grogu had been moments in which he had truly felt… anything positive. Anything _properly_ positive.

Sure before that, he had felt euphoria after winning a fight, relief after getting paid and being able to eat, some form of peace when he could get back onto his ship and sleep for once. He had felt a brotherly need to care for the foundlings, but only because he didn’t want them to suffer the way he had. His need to care had mostly made him feel sad and hurt, and perhaps the only good part was that it made him feel protective.

Except with Grogu… he had felt love and happiness. He had felt cared for and a need to care for him… He had felt needed… and also joy, and hope, and even affection despite how much he tried not to. He had felt amusement from Grogu’s reactions to other people, especially if they said something rude. He had felt admiration for the things he could do with his powers.

He could go on with his list for a long time. He had truly brought him something he had always wished for, but never believed he could get.

 _“You’re very special, kid.”_ He remembered himself saying. Grogu had cooed happily and his heart had felt big and warm.

“Dank Farrik…” He had uttered to himself in the dusty room. That statement had been more true than he had realized. Back then he had just been thinking he had gotten a little bit attached. He just didn’t really want to see him go. He had thought that was because he didn’t want to be alone again, but he knew now, that was far from the whole truth.

In reality, he hadn’t wanted to say goodbye because he would miss him, because he wanted him around for many, many more years, because he saw him… well, he saw him as something he couldn’t quite accept yet…: his son.

Some mornings, after walking for hours upon hours, a vendor would offer him something to eat. Free of charge. He said no every time, and every morning she persisted only once. She knew he was tired and hurting. The offer was meant well, but she didn’t want to bother him.

Greef watched from his door every morning. He was worried but had no idea what to do. He watched as he stumbled his way into the village. Every morning he would clearly be exhausted but he would continue on anyway. All he knew was that it was not a good idea to stop him. His body would finally give in.

That happened once, on the third morning, back when people weren’t used to it all yet.

Din had stumbled into town on clearly weakened legs, his neck exposed, the helmet on but sweat leaking from it onto his dirty beskar.

The sweet old lady stepped over and touched his arm to get his attention. “Sweet boy, you must eat.” Din had tried to push past her, but she had a proper grip on his arm.

“No, thank you.” He uttered through the tears.

“You don’t have to eat it here, just take it with you. Free of charge.”

She wasn’t sure if he had heard anything she had said. His legs started shaking and so did his hands. He held them up to try to get her to let go, but when she did he just sank to the ground.

Greef had silently hoisted him up and helped him to his room. The lady had asked Greef to bring the food for him to eat later, but he had told her off.

Greef had later learned that it hadn’t been sweat at all that had leaked from his helmet.

Cara watched from her post every day, feeling equally incapable of helping. She watched and noted just how many mornings he came back looking like he had walked all night without a single break. She would note just how many times he refused food and just how much he seemed to hurt as he walked, and then she would note how much she believed that. She knew he would never show just how much pain he was truly in, so she’d always add an extra number to her notes.

\- His pain level seems to be at a 7 out of 10. (+2) He’s not swaying today. ~~Spoke to~~ listened to a vendor. Said no to food. –

On this day Cara walked over to him, right after that same lovely vendor offered him food once more. He said no again.

“You have to eat,” Cara said as gently as she could muster. She knew he was feeling bad but this was getting out of hand.

Din shook his head and pushed past her.

Cara took the food from the nice lady and paid her before following Din to the covert and into his room.

She put it down on the nightstand and then sat down on the bed. Din sat down too, instead of letting himself fall face-first onto the pillow like he usually did. Well, helmet first. For a brief moment, he wondered just how bruised his face was from doing that.

“Can I do anything for you?”

Din stared at the floor. He hadn’t registered her words. Cara placed her hand on his arm.

“Come on, there’s gotta be something.”

He finally looked up. “Hm?”

“Can I do something for you? Maybe bring you some more food? Some medicine?”

Din frowned. “Why medicine?” He wasn’t sick or anything.

Cara shot him a disapproving look. “You’ve been walking entire nights for over a week. Your body must be killing you.”

“How do you know..?” He moved away from her on the bed. How could she possibly know he walked entire nights? Maybe he just walked out of town and set up camp somewhere.

She sighed. “First of all, I see you leave every evening and come back every morning. Second of all, you look like crap every time you come back. And third of all, I followed you for a bit one night, and literally all you did was walk. You didn’t even hear me when I talked to you.”

She shot him a stern look, but she wasn’t sure if he was looking back at her or not.

“You’re not getting too close to the lava river right? Do you know the tide chart? Do you have it?”

Din sighed. “I know the lava tide times.”

“Good.” Cara nodded. “Now, how are you feeling? Are you in pain?”

“I… I feel numb.”

She looked away, trying to decide if that was good or bad. “Well, I guess that’s better than pain?”

The conversation felt familiar. Thankfully he didn’t remember that they had had a very similar conversation back on Gideon’s cruiser.

“Oh no I just feel physically numb. The pain is still there.” He said monotone. Then he took off the helmet and placed it next to the food. He let out a long sigh. “I feel stupid.”

“No,” Cara said a little bit too firmly. She had to force herself not to react to his bruised face. “You’re not stupid.” She wasn’t really sure what else she could say. It made sense to her because he loved him, but she knew that he wasn’t ready to hear that yet. So she moved her hand to his knee and pressed down before getting up.

“Eat the food. Get some rest. Let me know if I need to bring you more food or something else.”

Din nodded at her. “Thank you, Marshal.”

With that, Cara left the room. Din looked at the food he was given. He sighed again. He wasn’t hungry. He hadn’t been hungry all week. He knew, technically, that he should be starving. He also knew, _technically_ , that his body was probably screaming for nutrients… So then why did it become nauseated the moment he took a bite? Why did he have to force himself to eat four bites before he had to stop himself from throwing it all up again?

When he had finally been able to calm his stomach down he sighed, tossed his armor off, and let himself fall down onto the bed.

He was out within seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it! Please tell me your thoughts 🥰🥰🥰


	4. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Din loses something, and ends up finding something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'm going to start making the chapters a little bit shorter so they're easier to read. I hope you enjoy. 🥰

Like clockwork, he woke up two hours later shouting in panic and pain. His heart hurt from the nightmares he had, and the immediate wave of missing that followed after waking up. His nightmares were more than just memories of bad times, they were memories combined with his worst fears.

After over a week most people had still not gotten used to it. His screaming wasn’t always as agonizing as the day before, but the tone combined with the words… it cut deep. Some days he would call out his name. Some days it was a plea of, “Don’t take him… please..!”

On this day he yelled out a torturous, “I’m sorry..!” In his dream, he had been yelling that at Grogu, as he watched him get taken away.

He was drenched in sweat, his breathing fast and irregular. He looked around the room trying to figure out where he was. When he finally realized he slumped down on the bed. He was here on Nevarro and Grogu was gone. Not gone to a bad place like in his dream, but gone nevertheless.

He had been dreaming about the day the dark troopers took him. He had been distracted that day, which in hindsight had probably been Gideon’s exact plan. Clearly, he hadn’t been fast enough because of the distraction of the Crest blowing up…

The forcefield around him had been impossible to get through, but he should’ve kept trying. He should never have walked away. He should never have taken off the jetpack. He had been running frantically and as fast as he could, but it still hadn’t been enough…

The others in town thought things were bad for him but, they were so wrong… Whatever they imagined, it was so much worse. He blamed himself for _everything_ that had happened.

Every time he thought of this moment it hurt him more than the last… filled him with more regret than the last… The dark troopers took him away. No matter how fast he ran, no matter how much he had wanted to get through that forcefield…

He wondered if he would’ve woken up from his trance if he had said his name… His mind liked to be mean and tell him he would have. It liked to tell him that if he had just accepted his dank attachment to the kid and said his kriffing name, he would’ve been _fine_. Things never would have gone wrong, and he would’ve had the time to say goodbye to him properly before Luke came to steal him.

Will he ever forgive himself for not going after them? For not racing down to his jetpack and flying over? For not fighting them all mid-air just to get him back, but instead freezing and crumbling? Will Grogu?

He searched for the little silver ball to hold and feel. It helped him realize that everything was real. Sometimes the dreams, the memories, they all seemed fake. Like none of it had ever happened; that the pain he was feeling was real, but that it was based on a dream or a hallucination. He liked to hold the little ball in his hands and feel the physical proof of his memories. It calmed him down.

On this particular morning though, he couldn’t find the ball.

“Where is it?” He grumbled to himself.

He looked under the blanket, the pillow, the bed, under everything it could possibly be. In every nook, around every corner, everywhere. It was nowhere to be found.

He could feel himself starting to panic. Had he lost this too? Was the very last thing he still had gone as well?

He was throwing things aside frantically. Was it here? No. Here then? Also no. If he had lost it then he was going to lose himself too. He couldn’t do this if he had nothing to hold onto.

“Dank farrik, where the kriff is it?!”

He was making an absolute mess as he searched. It had to be somewhere. It had to be. He couldn’t go on without that. It was the last thing he had from the Crest and the kid. There was nothing else.

When the panic became too much to handle, he ran out of the covert and into the town square without thinking about it. He hadn’t grabbed anything, no jacket, no socks, not even shoes. But worst of all, he hadn’t thought of his helmet. He just ran through the old covert and up the stairs. The sun burned in his eyes, but he still did not register that he hadn’t put his helmet on. He was too panicked to feel just how… naked he was.

“Dune?!” He called out. “Have you seen it?!”

“Have I seen wha-”

“The ball! The little ball! The ball from the Crest!” He had no time to wait for her to think. “The kriffing ball, Cara!”

Had he dropped it in the market this morning? Had he lost it during his walk? The last place he remembered having it was in the middle of the Nevarro desert… had he… had he dropped it there? If he had dropped it during his walk, there was no way he was getting it back.

She wasn’t helpful in the slightest. Too slow for his panicked mind.

“Greef!” He called out so loudly it startled Dune.

“Mando..!” Greef exclaimed, unaware of the state he was in.

Din ran over. “Have you seen the ball? The little silver ball? The one from the Crest! Grogu used to always play with it, I can’t find it, I can’t have lost it, Greef, it’s the last thing I have!”

Greef shrugged. He hadn’t seen it.

“Come on Greef! Kriffing help me find the ball!”

He looked around, almost throwing over other people’s things.

“Dank farrik, where is it?!”

He looked around frantically. He could see that Cara and Greef as well as a few town’s people were looking around. They were all searching for it _for him_. Well, at least they were helping. That calmed him down a little bit. He looked around more, but then froze when he spotted someone staring at him with an expression he couldn’t name.

It was the sweet old lady who offered him food every morning. She was gaping at him and slowly brought up a hand to point at him.

Din swallowed and stepped closer. “Have you seen a silver ball? About this big?” He asked her with his hand out.

She didn’t answer his question, nor did she change the look on her face. “You…” She uttered.

Her eyes roamed over his face and that’s when it hit him. He hadn’t put his helmet on. He had run out into the streets with his face bare. The fact that everyone could just see him now hit him like a brick wall and he started to panic for a whole new reason.

No no no no no

This can’t be happening. Other people seeing his face should be his _choice_! It shouldn’t be an accident..! As panicked as he was though, there was something about the lady that kept him from running back inside to hide.

“You…” She said again.

He blinked at her, suddenly feeling nervous. Was he supposed to know what was going on? Had he done something bad to her? He didn’t usually hurt little old ladies… Not unless they were the bounty he was looking for. He carefully stepped over to her and made a questioning sound. It came out sounding strangled. He didn’t want to stop searching for the little ball but something about her face made him walk over anyway.

“You are Djarin’s kid.”

He stumbled the last steps and reached out for the table she was standing behind to keep himself from falling over. How could she possibly know that?

“Yes…?” He uttered quietly.

“Din..!” She exclaimed in sudden realization. “Din Djarin..!”

Who…

Who was this lady? How could she know his name? How could she know that from the sight of his face?

“Do I know you?” He felt unsettled. He had absolutely no clue who she was and how she knew his name. He felt the need to reach for his blaster. If she knew his full name that must mean she was bad… maybe even Empire…

“I don’t know…” She said with a shrug and a growing smirk. “…you might remember helping a kid steal some bread from a certain shop… I don’t know, about thirty years ago?”

She pointed at the name on the building behind her. He read it and suddenly it all clicked. He had helped a kid steal food from _her_ shop.

About 30 years ago, back on Aq Vetina, he had been… probably around 6 or 7, when he had met a little girl who was homeless and starving. He kept seeing her right outside the shop, constantly looking inside with desperate eyes. On one particular day, he couldn’t look at it anymore, and he had helped her steal a big loaf of her famous bread.

He was about to speak up and apologize but then a woman around his own age stepped outside. He did instantly remember her.

“Din?” She asked, her eyes wide. She remembered him as well.

“Bes?” He thought that was her name, but it had been a long time since then. Her face was easy to remember, but her name… well Din had been taught not to learn people’s names.

The name was right but, she had no idea what to say to him. It wasn’t good to see him, not in this situation, and she knew he wasn’t doing even remotely fine. So all she did was smile and nod.

“You still have the same freckles.” He told her because there was nothing else to say.

“You still have the same eyes.” She replied fondly.

The older lady put her hand on his arm to get his attention. Din opened his mouth to try to apologize again, but she held up a hand.

“You did the right thing. Even as a little kid, you knew right from wrong.”

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He didn’t exactly have many memories from those few years. Partially because it had been so long, and partially because he had done his best to push those memories away from the very beginning.

He watched as Bes put her arm around the older lady. He was thinking her name was… Lenta?

“Speaking of stealing mama… have you been feeding that little boy again? The numbers don’t match up.”

Lenta looked at Din with a sheepish expression before looking over at her… daughter?

“What can I say? Old habits?”

Bes smiled warmly, kissed her mother’s cheek, and let her go. “Din.” She said with a nod and a sad smile. “I wish we had met again under better circumstances.”

Din nodded back at her. He agreed. He looked between the two of them, still a little bit confused, and then decided to just ask.

“I… helped your daughter steal from you?”

“Well, yes and no.” She said with a warm smile. “She lived in the streets at the time; her parents had passed. After you helped her she came back several times, looking worse each time… so I took her in. When we fled Aq Vetina it was just easier to say she was my daughter and since I took care of her… she said she wanted me to be her mother. Officially. So I adopted her.”

Din’s grip on the table became so tight it hurt. Somehow this heartwarming story just hurt him. He wanted to grab his helmet and hide but he was awfully aware now that he didn’t have it with him. He hated that she could just see him now. Beyond the fact that he had no helmet on, she could also see the look in his eyes and tremble in his lip. He had to fight the need to run away and hide, both from his old memories and from the new ones that came flooding in by the mention of adoption.

“Um... Lenta is it?”

Lenta looked up at his eyes and smiled. “Yes, my dear.”

He nodded. “I’m glad to see you and Bes are okay but… I have to go now. I lost…” _Everything_. He almost said it, but thankfully he caught himself. “…this little silver ball. It was from my ship. Have you seen it?”

“I’m afraid I haven’t…” She looked him over, as if she didn’t already know just how much of a wreck he was. “I’ll tell you what. You help me clean this up, and I’ll help you search for the ball.”

Din nodded once. “Thank you.” He could really use the help.

He hadn’t realized that he had also said yes to her rambling about the past and about Bes and how she kept stealing from the shop even after she had taken her in. That and, of course, she kept offering him food every two minutes.

She pushed and pushed until it made him irritated and then she pushed and pushed until it made him laugh.

“Okay, okay…!” He chuckled. “I’ll take your food, just stop threatening me..!” For the first time in… weeks.. he had felt light. He tried not to remember that the last time he felt light was when he had been testing out Grogu’s name… It would bring him right back to his nightmares from this morning.

Thankfully Lenta had dragged Bes along for their search and they talked so much he didn’t have a moment of peace to think about his painful memories.

They searched for hours and hours. Hours in which the two ladies had not stopped talking and laughing and including him in all their inside jokes he didn’t understand. They respectfully avoided the sad parts of their past in Aq Vetina, and the reason Din was staying on Nevarro. Instead, they joked about Bes stealing food and Lenta feeding skinny kids who weren’t even homeless over the years.

When Din finally spotted the little ball glimmering in the distance, he ran over without telling the others. He just ran, as fast as his tired legs could take him, and then fell to the ground to pick it up.

He closed his eyes tightly as he held the little ball in his hand. He was thankful for the glove he was wearing because the ball had become scalding hot in the Nevarro sun.

He hadn’t even noticed the tears that had started streaming down until Lenta knelt down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He sniffled and dared a glance at her.

Her smile was sad but warm. “I’m sorry you lost your son, Din.”

He swallowed heavily. “He’s not…”

“Are you saying my Bes isn’t my daughter either?” She raised an eyebrow at him.

He had no reply to that. He knew it was a fair point, but it wasn’t one he was ready to accept. Even after everything… even after realizing days ago just how true that was. He just couldn’t accept it.

If he was a father then… Then his inevitable death was going to destroy Grogu… just like his own parent’s death had destroyed him…

So he shook his head. He was not his father. Grogu was not his son. He was just… a little kid… who he used to take care of… and he wanted to take care of him again whatever it took. Sooner rather than later. For as long as he was capable.

Sure he had accidentally called him his son… _twice_ before… but that didn’t make it true.

Once was to the droid teacher, so he didn’t feel all too bad about that one… but the other time… it had been the first day that he had been here without Grogu.

Him, Greef, and Cara had been sitting in the cantina as they had a drink and he had refused to remove his helmet again. He had told them about how Gideon had found them on Tython and he had no idea how. They had been on the run for a long time, and he had never stayed anywhere for too long…

One of the people who had repaired his ship that day had gasped loudly from another table. “So it _was_ a tracker that you installed!” He had exclaimed at someone else who he vaguely recognized as someone who had worked on the Crest.

He had instantly made his way over there and he had shoved him against the wall. He had screamed at him and hurt him and without thinking… he had yelled out, “You are the reason I lost my son!” The words had hit him immediately and his grip had loosened enough for the alien to get out of it.

“You are the reason I lost my ship, my home!” He had said before he had hurt him again. He didn’t kill him, but only because he was in the middle of the cantina and not in a place no one could see them.

“So, you get lost in your head a lot, huh?” Lenta asked as she pulled him up.

Din shook his head and then pulled an awkward face.

“It’s fine.” The sweet old lady promised. She wiped the tears from his face and then smiled sadly. “Let’s go back home and get you some of that food, huh?”

He let them take him back to their home, but once the food was being pulled out he started making excuses. He didn’t want to be there. They were lovely and all, but he just really needed some time alone with the little toy they had thankfully found again.

Lenta was… amazing. She saw right through all his excuses, but she just packed some food and sent him on his way without a single complaint.

“You are always welcome here, Din.”

“Thank you Lenta, Bes, you two are a blessing.”

Lenta had hugged him, and it had almost made him crumble. He was thankful Bes didn’t try to hug him too.

He left to bring the food down to his room but walked into an utter mess. Right. He had thrown things everywhere while he was searching. He sighed and got to cleaning up. It took so long he forgot all about eating and when he was finally done cleaning up, all he could think about was a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some light in Din's dark days, huh? ❤️


	5. I left you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Din thinks about the effect Grogu has had on him, he struggles with his emotions and receives some tough love.

Din moved to the bar and sat down in his usual spot. Nobody sat at that table anymore, because they knew that was the only spot he wanted to sit. As he sat down it felt like the good old times for a moment. It was odd, a wave of familiarity washed over him, but it didn’t make him ache. It just felt like they were traveling and had stopped somewhere for fuel.

He ordered his drink and without thinking added, “…and a broth for the little one.”

The barista looked at him sadly and then walked away to let him deal with that at least somewhat in private.

He looked aside at the empty seat. There was no kid there. He deflated onto the table. Not this again… He leant his arms on the table and rested his forehead on them. He sighed slowly, trying to calm down his mind. He would learn that he wasn’t around anymore eventually, right?

The bartender came over again and set down two drinks instead of one.

“Thank you.” He muttered.

She pulled a sad smile before quickly disappearing. She was not in the mood to hear his mental breakdown stories today.

Drink after drink went into his system and by the time he was properly drunk, which was pretty quickly because he never drank, he was talking to himself about the tribe and the foundlings and Grogu.

“Hey, barkeep! Hit me up!” He yelled at her as he swayed his still full glass in her direction.

She sighed loudly and came stepping over angrily. She had already been grumpy this morning, but his depressed behavior was only making it worse.

“Listen here you depressed mudscuffer. I have looked after your alcoholic ass for the past week! More than that! Not once have you asked for my name!” She took the empty glass from him and set it down on the table so hard Din reached for his blaster.

“You have told me about all your problems and your nightmares and your pain and now I have to walk around with those things in my head. You think I like that? Do you think that kind of stuff is good for me?”

She grabbed the glass so fast it almost fell.

“Now if you gave two kriffs about me and asked for my name, maybe we could be friends and I wouldn’t mind knowing about your issues, but instead you sit your depressed ass down here and load all your baggage onto my shoulders before kriffing off!”

Din was gaping at her, tears in his eyes from the intensity of her emotions, as well as his own.

“I-I’m sorry...” He slurred.

“Tuija.” She said harshly. “My name is Tuija Maddocks.”

“I’m sorry, Tuija.”

She huffed and left without another word.

Din was left feeling terrible. He thought about how the tribe had taught him to never ask for names, because it meant attachment and that meant danger. He had talked about that with Greef, hadn’t he? His drunk mind did not let him remember.

Tuija came back a minute later and angrily set down a plate with food. It reminded him of the food Lenta gave him. It was down in the old covert and he did not feel like stumbling over there.

“Eat. I’m not giving your depressed ass any more drinks until you’ve eaten.” She looked him in the eye sternly. She cared about him and she wasn’t happy about it. Especially not on a day like this.

Din was reluctant, but he wanted more drinks, so he ate anyway. With every bite, he started to feel less drunk but… more hurt too…

He could feel the breakdown working its way up and soon enough he was sniffling and angrily wiping tears off his cheeks and he continued to eat.

“Dank farrik..!” He grumbled to himself. Why did the tears have to keep coming? This was stupid. Grogu was fine. Grogu wasn’t missing him. He paused mid-bite. That thought somehow hurt more than the thought that he did miss him. Why was this such a hard to deal with situation?

“Why does it have to hurt to let someone go?” He asked Tuija when she sat down across from him with a sigh. She had calmed down by now. “Why…” Din sniffled and grumbled, before wiping his eyes. “…how can I be so selfish…? This was the best decision for him. He’s being trained, he’s learning to protect himself, he’s growing as a person… this was _for_ him… We did everything for him… so then why am I missing him? Why am I hurting so much? Am I really that kriffing selfish?”

Cara had been watching him for a few minutes now, she wanted to walk over but Tuija seemed to have it under control.

Tuija reached out to touch him, but Din flinched away. She sighed and gave him a look. “I think you know why, and it’s not selfish.”

Cara nodded at herself from the other side of the room. It was obvious to her, but she knew that saying the words out loud to him probably wasn’t a good idea. They would come to him eventually.

What she didn’t know was that Lenta had already said it to him today, and he had technically already realized it for himself as well. He just had a hard time accepting it. She was about to walk out again, to let him realize things for himself, when she heard Din speak up.

“What do you mean?”

Tuija smiled at him sadly and got up. “That you love him.”

Din drew in a shuddering breath. He really did not want to face that. Especially not while still intoxicated. It just made it hurt even more.

Despite not wanting to face it, it all clicked all of a sudden. Not in a way that he could say it out loud, but… at least he knew it was true. Except knowing that… it made him ache in an unbearable way. He had lost him. How could he keep going now? He had lost the one and only person he had truly loved in over thirty years… and he hadn’t even told him.

Kriff, he really hadn’t properly loved anyone since his parents. Not fully, anyway. He always ran when he felt himself caring for the foundlings more than he was allowed. He would feel it happening and he would grab his things and go to Greef and get as many jobs as he let him have.

As he sat there and tried to process what that meant, Cara had pulled Tuija out of the bar and gotten mad at her.

“How could you do this? How could you say the word? I’ve been avoiding these words on purpose all this time..! He’s not ready to know that he loves him yet..! He was supposed to come to terms with that at his own pace..!” She yelled at her. It was so loud that everyone in the bar could clearly hear her.

“Listen here miss, this man has been sitting in my bar every single day for the past week and a half going through all stages of depression and then some, not to mention the alcoholism, and you want him to just… what? Sink deeper and deeper until it clicks?”

Cara had no idea how to respond. Tuija continued angrily.

“I will _not_ stand by and watch this man drink himself to death just because he can’t figure out that he loves the kid like he’s his own!”

Din froze. That was the second time someone had called him the father of the kid today. Did everyone feel that way?

Cara huffed. Tuija was right, but she didn’t want to admit it. “So, what are we supposed to do now?”

“We let him grieve his loss, and we’ll be there when he’s ready.” She nodded at Cara sternly. “Good day, marshal.”

With that, she walked back into her bar and got back to pouring drinks. She was _not_ dealing with the marshal today. All this time she had been trying to get Cara or Greef to help him realize so he wouldn’t walk or drink himself to death, but they refused. They thought he needed to figure things out in his own time, but his self-destructive behavior was harming him too fast. He’d be dead before he had the time to realize.

Din sat there staring at the table and swallowing away the pain in his throat. It ached so much. He was fighting the tears and the quivering of his lip as best he could, but the longer he fought the more it hurt.

“I…” He said when Tuija walked past his table. She paused, but didn’t look at him. She knew he had heard her yell at Dune. She wasn’t entirely sure if he was going to be mad at her for not only saying the truth, but also for saying it so loudly everyone around him knew it too.

“Tuija, can I get some blue milk?”

“Of course.” Her voice was warm again.

Din was glad actually, he couldn’t look anyone in the eye, but he was glad that at least Tuija could say it out loud. He was.. reluctant to accept it, but somehow it was also nice to hear.

When Tuija brought the drink she finally dared to look him in the eye. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy but he smiled at her.

“Thank you.” It was not just for the drink. He hoped Tuija knew that.

He gulped down the cup of blue milk and then asked for another. “And could you… could you get me some small portions of different foods?”

He didn’t want to think about these words right now. As nice as it was to hear them, and to know he wasn’t being judged for it, he couldn’t face it. The more sober he got the more stubborn he felt. He was _not_ facing those words. Not right now. Love and fatherhood were _not_ in his dictionary today. _No thank you_. Instead, he decided it was time to eat, and while he was at it, might as well listen to what Greef had said. Maybe if he could find a certain type of food he liked, he could turn to that instead of booze.

“You want to try foods now? Alone? Don’t you want to do that with your friend?”

“With Greef? Oh kriff no.” The bartender laughed and he forced himself to join. He didn’t want to do that with him because he didn’t want to have him around as he had a breakdown while tasting things that surely would trigger memories.

He moved to get up. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Tuija nodded so he got up and left towards the back. He walked down a dark hallway to the restrooms and was hit by a vague feeling of remembrance. He couldn’t place it.

He had to force himself to keep it together and not get lost in his head as he stood there in the quiet room. It was hard to stay present when all your head wanted to do was think of a certain person. A certain kid. He wanted to know where he was, and if he was okay, and if he was having fun, and was he learning his colors? His numbers? His shapes?

He shook his head. This was fine. He was fine. He just handed over the kid to a total stranger who was clearly capable of extreme amounts of violence… It was _totally_ fine..! Clearly, this person had good intentions, since he didn’t even give him any information besides his name… and no means of contacting him either…

He sighed deeply, washed his hands, and returned to the bar.

He downed another cup of Bantha milk. He wanted to be sober while trying foods he hadn’t had before. Eating to begin with was going to be hard, he hadn’t eaten properly in days besides the stuff he had a couple of minutes ago, let alone doing that while drunk.

The idea that he had to form opinions about the things he ate was odd. Sure there had been things that he had liked and disliked in the past, but overall…? He had never had the luxury of opinions on what he ate. It was eat or starve.

As the bartender readied some food Din stared at the floor in the distance. He was trying to think of other ways to figure out what he liked and disliked. There were plenty of things he already knew of course; he disliked droids, disliked most beings, liked a green little kid…

He sighed. This was going to be hard. It was going to take a lot of strength to not think of Grogu and the pain of missing him. It was going to be extremely difficult to push away the thought of how much the kid had shown him who he was without him even searching for it. It had just happened…. He would make an odd sound or something and Din would chuckle and think, _Huh so that’s funny too… never would’ve thought some weird sound a random kid made would be funny…_

He would do something that he knew he wasn’t allowed to do and he’d look him in the visor while doing it, and it would just crack Din up. He couldn’t show that of course, he would have to sigh and shake his head and tell him off, but secretly deep down it made him feel great. The kid was a little shit, and he _loved_ it. Well, most of the time. If he wasn’t being a little shit to him.

He would try to say something without any words and the little quiet sounds that… may have been words in his native language… would just be the absolute cutest thing he had ever heard.

He learned that changing diapers was annoying but also, somehow, fine. Just fine. It wasn’t terrible. Sure it was gross, but he had dealt with grosser things. He learned that bath time was a hassle but it was Grogu’s favorite time, especially if the temperature was right. His blissed-out face was so cute it would make his heart grow several sizes. He had never thought things like that would be cute or fun at all. And yet here he was missing the struggle of getting Grogu back into his clothes when the little gremlin preferred to be naked 90% of the day. He supposed it gave him some form of freedom.

He had figured so much out accidentally, just simply because the kid was around him and being himself.

Oh.

Well… He was thinking about him anyway, huh? Maybe he needed more Bantha milk. Or maybe he should just give in and order more booze. He was hurting again… He didn’t want to feel this while sober. He didn’t want to feel it at all but he had no idea how to shut it off.

Thankfully he didn’t have to make the decision for himself, because Tuija set down another cup in front of him. He didn’t have to ask. She knew how these things went.

So he sat there, sipping his milk. No matter how much he told himself not to think of the kid, and if he was okay, and if he was missing him… it never worked. Did Grogu think of him as often as he thought of Grogu? Could he shut off the questions of whether or not he was okay? If he was eating well? If he was sleeping okay? Was Luke sleeping in the same room as him? He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep if he had to be alone…

He shook his head again. Nope. No time for that now. It was time to eat some foods he had probably never had before and see if he liked them or not. He couldn’t really imagine liking anything, he had never cared much for food. It had been a savior during the bad days… weeks… sometimes even months…

Not a care for food or taste meant he could just kill any critter on any planet, roast it, and eat it. At least that made it easier not to starve if he got kriffed over again, or if there weren’t any jobs for him, or if someone just decided to change the terms of the deal and not pay him as much as they had promised… all of those things had happened. Numerous times.

The bartender awakened him from his thoughts by putting two plates down roughly. The food wasn’t much, this was just a bar after all, but that was fine. He didn’t want to waste any food anyway. If something was gross he didn’t want to have to throw it out, or feel bad and eat it all anyway.

He spent a while trying foods and thought they were all… fine. Just, simply, fine. None of them were making him think he had missed out on amazing things all this time. He was glad about that. It was easier to just go through life thinking everything was just fine. Liking, or even loving, things always brought along dislike and hate, and honestly? He didn’t have the energy for those. It was safer to just think everything was simply fine.

Except then the fourth plate came in, and the smell alone was triggering something inside him he couldn’t name. He felt on edge and hyper-alert. His heart was definitely beating faster than was necessary and he started to sweat. He was cautious when he took the first bite.

Hmm. It was… good. It tasted very nice. It was oddly familiar even though he couldn’t place why. He took another, bigger, bite and as he chewed it felt like his brain exploded. He started hyperventilating and quickly swallowed it down and drank the last of his Bantha milk.

He wasn’t sure what was triggering it but that bite gave him a full-blown panic attack. He tried his best to focus on his toes, the feeling of his socks, his shoes, the ground.

Tuija handed him a bag and stood next to him with a hand on his shoulder until he calmed down again. They decided it was time to stop. Thankfully most of the people in the place had left, so at least he didn’t have his panic attack in front of many eyes.

He ordered more booze instantly. Tuija tried to talk him out of it, but only once. She knew he could technically kill her in a second, and she was not keen on that. Not that she thought that he would, but he had a blaster on him and killer reflexes. One wrong move and he could shoot her so fast he didn’t even have to register it.

Thankfully he only got two more shots before paying and leaving the bar. With the helmet on of course. Just because he had accidentally shown his face this morning, didn’t mean he wanted everyone to see him post-panic attack.

He walked over to his most, and simultaneously least favorite place to sit. It was a nice spot in the burning sun, and right around the corner of the school. He had walked over there to calm down after the panic attack and maybe, just maybe, fall asleep in the sun. Except what happened instead, was that he heard the droid’s voice teaching the class and his brain launched right into sad daydreams about Grogu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts 🥰 Next chapter tomorrow?


	6. An Act of Kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone unexpected tries to make Din feel better and Grogu spends his day thinking about being in his dad's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a cute one, I'm really excited to see what you think 🥰

Din just sat there, in full armor, overheating and staring at a single spot. For a long time, he didn’t move at all. He listened to the droid teach the class and the kids giving answers and making jokes. Though overwhelmed with sadness and grief, the children’s laughter was actually comforting in a way.

Before he could register it, his eyes had closed and he had fallen asleep. He fell into a dream about the time he thought Grogu had cuddled up to him in his sleep.

He wasn’t entirely sure if it had happened, because he hadn’t been there anymore when he woke up, but it had felt so real. He dreamt about the feeling of him cuddling close to his chest as he slept and about the feeling of himself melting even though he had been mostly asleep. He vaguely remembered even pulling him closer… had he really?

At the same time, on an entirely different planet, Grogu was thinking about being in his dad’s arms too. He thought about the way he held him when they walked around, how he always made sure he could see what was going on. The way he would hold his finger and Din would sometimes hold his feet. The way he talked to him… the way he always included him in everything…

He once again remembered the night he sneakily laid down close to him and Din had just simply pulled him closer in his sleep. Oh stars, that had been nice. Sure, the beskar had been cold, but the warmth and tightness of his arms had more than made up for that. He wished he had done that more often. He wished he had maybe even just stayed there one morning just to see how Din would react.

He just really wanted his dad to hold him and snuggle with him but now he didn’t even know if he’d ever see him again at all. He had been practicing sensing the future. It wasn’t something he could really control, but every time he did get a flash of the future he searched for any sign of his dad. He couldn’t find one. Nothing he could see involved Din.

It made him even more sad and reluctant to learn anything else from Luke. If his life from now on was without his dad he didn’t want it.

To make himself feel better he used the force to roll his blanket up into an arm-like shape and wrapped it around himself. He would just have to pretend his dad was there with him then. He snuggled up against it and sighed sadly. He missed him so much it hurt.

He missed his sighs and his grumbling and the warmth of his hand. He missed sleeping in the same room, and his voice and the way he made his broth. No matter what, Luke couldn’t get it right. He missed his chuckles and the fondness in his voice even when he was telling him not to do something. He missed… well, all of him.

He spent whole entire nights searching for a future with Din in it. He couldn’t find anything. Not even a sliver of a peek. No matter how much he spent night after night searching, all he found were memories, not visions of the future. Most of the memories were good but… he didn’t want old memories, he wanted to make new ones.

For now, this pretend-arm around him and his imagination would have to do. And when his imagination failed, he just kept telling himself that his dad would come back. He _will_ come back, and when he does, he will hold him in his arms. He had to. He promised…

Din sat there in the sun, leaning back against the wall, with his arms folded on his chest. He was still dreaming of holding Grogu tightly in his arms. It was no longer about that time Grogu had sneaked up into his arms as he slept, but rather about a future in which he held Grogu as he took a nap but stayed awake himself. It was the nicest dream he had had in… a long time. In his sleep he pulled his arms closer, thinking it was Grogu who had snuggled close.

Across from him, there was a little girl sitting on the ground, playing with her toys. He had been sleeping there for so long that school had finished and all but this one girl had left. She had seen him in the streets that morning, panicking and yelling. He had lost something, _the last thing he still had_ , she remembered him saying.

It had made her feel very bad for him. She wondered if he had found it.

Her mommies had told her that he had lost his son, and she thought that maybe that’s who he had been looking for that morning. The only thing that didn’t make sense was that he had been yelling about a little ball. Whatever it was, she hoped he had gotten it back. It had made such an impact that it had distracted her during class.

And so, when she watched him pull his empty arms closer to his chest, it made her heart hurt. It was such a sad thing, to lose a child. She had seen him in the streets for the past week and she knew just how much he was hurting.

She decided there was something she could do to help. It looked so heartbreaking to see him draw his empty arms closer as if he was hugging something that was now gone. Or rather, some _one_.

She carefully walked over to him, trying to make sure she wouldn’t wake him up. When his grip loosened up again, she tucked her doll into his arms. She smiled at him as he continued to sleep, and pulled the doll into his neck. She nodded to herself and went back to playing. The doll wasn’t the only toy she had, so it was fine. She could miss it for a while.

She kept an eye on him as she played. He looked more peaceful like that than she had ever seen him. It warmed her heart.

The little girl played by herself on the street for as long as Din slept. She wanted him to have something to hold onto while he slept, but she did also want her doll back later. So she kept checking if he was happy and if he was waking up yet.

When Din finally woke up there was a split second in which he genuinely believed he had taken a nap with Grogu in his arms. He smiled to himself and loosened his arms to make sure he wasn’t accidentally strangling him. When he looked down and saw the doll his heart sank so fast he felt like throwing up.

In a flash of panic and irritation, he threw the doll away. It slammed into a wall and its head detached from the body. With wide eyes and a racing heart Din watched a girl across from him burst into tears and run over to her doll. She cradled it in her arms and looked down at it sadly.

Oh, dank farrik. It wasn’t some sick joke to make him feel even worse… it had just been a little kid who wanted to help. It had actually been really, really sweet.

“Oh no, I’m sorry..!” His voice was hoarse. He cleared his throat and reached out to her but she flinched away. Oh no, this was bad. This was very, very bad. He tried to come closer and he could see the girl hesitate, so he moved slowly.

“Can I please try to fix it?” He reached out his hand and tried to take the doll from her hands. After another pause, and looking him up and down, she let him.

Her arms fell down sadly and she bit her lip as she watched him struggle with the head.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated as he tried to fix the doll. “It just… startled me.” He couldn’t tell her it hurt him so bad he felt like he was about to burst into tears with her. Huh, maybe that was what he needed… a good cry with a kid. He wouldn’t have to feel stupid for crying, for once. That’d be nice for a change.

“Thank you, for letting me borrow your doll.” He handed the fixed toy back to the little girl. She smiled and hugged it close. Din hesitated. “Can I ask why you gave it to me?” He wasn’t sure if she was old enough to really have a reason for an act like that, but if she did… he’d like to know.

“You looked like you were hugging someone that wasn’t there.” She swayed as she continued hugging her doll close. “I’m sorry it made you sad.”

Din sighed sadly. “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry I threw your doll away.”

The little girl didn’t say anything for a moment. She just looked at him thinking about the story her mommies had told her about him. It was very sad. To Din’s surprise, she leant over a moment later, and softly kissed the cheek of his helmet.

“I hope you feel better soon.”

Oh stars. Oh, how sweet that was. It choked him up more than he’d like to admit.

“Th-thank you. That- That’s very kind of you.” He smiled at her even though she couldn’t see it. “I hope your doll is okay.”

The little girl smiled. “I hope your foundling is okay.”

Before either of them could say anything else the little girl got called away.

“Sweetie, it’s time for dinner!” One of her moms called over. “Coming, mommy!” She had called back before running over. She turned around and waved at him and Din waved back weakly.

How many people had his friends told the story to? How many people knew about his foundling? Did everyone in the village know he was grieving the loss of a kid who was still alive and not even his to begin with?

He stumbled his way back to the covert. He needed some time alone with no helmet. He tossed it off onto his bed and sighed. He felt… warm..? His heart felt… okay. Despite the pain of thinking he had the kid back and then being hit with a wall of disappointment… the kindness of that one little girl had actually made him feel better than any of the adults had. Well, except for Lenta and Bes maybe.

Din tried to think of what to do next. He needed something to keep his mind occupied. He smelled his armpits and figured it was time for a shower. He had been sweating a lot during his nap in the sun anyway. It had been a nice nap, with very nice dreams, but now he felt wide awake and filled with panic.

Warm, and okay, and panicked… it was an odd mix.

The moment he felt the hot water hit his head he was lost again. Just like last time, he thought about his rescue mission. Except unlike last time, he didn’t fall into a flashback but rather a daydream of how things might have gone had he accepted how he felt about the kid. Not that he had accepted things now… but the little girl’s kiss on his helmet’s cheek had made him think.

What if he could’ve just… kissed Grogu’s cheek? What if he had said goodbye not only by showing his face but also by showing how he felt? Could he have done that? Should he have?

What if he had just removed his helmet and pressed his own forehead to his. And then after what if he had maybe pressed his lips to his forehead? and told him he was going to miss him? Or what if he had kissed his cheek like that little girl had done so easily. Like it didn’t mean something big like, _I see you as my son_.

Couldn’t he have just… hugged him close and told him he had been great to have around? He had been _happy_ with him around, which he hadn’t been in years, which he… hadn’t thought was possible for him. Should he have told him that everything he lost, he lost willingly?

_Please don’t make this harder than it already is._

He remembered thinking that, but not saying it. That wouldn’t have been fair to him.

He thought back to the moment when he had put him down on the ground. He had hoped that he would just waddle over to Luke so it could finally be over, but instead, he had stepped onto his foot and held onto his leg, and sometimes he could still feel the weight of him on there.

He remembered giving him the little silver ball and upon that memory, his knees buckled and he sank down to the shower floor once again. He had refused the toy. He hadn’t even looked back at it, he had just let it roll out of his hand and had run back over to him.

As much as it hurt to remember that moment, he forced himself to focus on it. It was the proof he needed to remember that the kid cared about him. Which was bad, because they had to miss each other, but it was good because at least he knew he had done something right.

When he could finally pull himself together again he got up and finished his shower. It was time to lie down in bed and remember his soft little touch. Sometimes he would gently put two fingers to his cheek and close his eyes, just to pretend he was with him again.

He still wanted to figure out why it ached so much, why he felt so sad when he knew this was good for Grogu, why it was so frustrating to miss someone he had tried so hard not to get attached to.

Somehow as he thought about that, Greef’s voice entered his mind. “Take care of this little one… or maybe he will take care of you…” He heard it on repeat, and whatever he tried, it refused to go away.

He wasn’t sure what the answer was. In a way, Grogu _had_ also taken care of him. He had made him travel to places he otherwise never would’ve gone. He had shown him things he didn’t know were possible. He had made him feel things he hadn’t thought were possible for him… not anymore…

He had also shaken his entire world. Almost in a terrible way, and yet… he couldn’t possibly even begin to wish things were any other way. Things were okay for him now. He was with Luke, he was training, he was no longer in danger. Maybe things weren’t okay for Din, but that wasn’t the point. Din had never seen himself being truly happy in his life. It wasn’t something he had planned out for himself, or thought was possible at all.

But then again… he had shown him other things that he had previously deemed impossible too… He had laughed. He had played with him. He had fed him and bathed him and rocked him to sleep. Something he never imagined himself doing. He had decided early on that he would never have kids. He couldn’t stand the idea of having to go through what his parents had gone through…

Din felt a pang in his chest.

Oh.

In a way, he still had…

He was alive and Grogu was fine but… he had to give him up… It wasn’t entirely the same, but that thought only made things worse. Because if saying goodbye for a good reason already hurt this much… he couldn’t even begin to imagine how extreme it was for his parents. And by couldn’t-even-begin I mean that is exactly where his head went in an instant.

He was immediately thinking of how much it would hurt if he had lost him altogether. If he had given in to that absolutely horrifying split-second thought he had had on the bridge of the light cruiser. If he had let him die.

He… he would’ve never forgiven himself. He would’ve punished himself. How, he did not know, but he would have.

Thankfully Greef came by to pull him out of his thoughts.

“Mando, we’re having some food upstairs. You should join us.” He said from the door. His hand fell onto the door and it slowly opened to reveal Din with bloodshot eyes.

Greef sighed a sad sigh and walked in. He slowly sank down onto the bed next to him.

“What are you thinking about this time?” He asked calmly.

“Something you said.”

Greef looked over and scanned his face. “What did I say?”

“You told me to take care of the kid… and then you said…”

“Maybe it will take care of you.” Greef nodded. “I was thinkin’ about that earlier today too, actually.”

That surprised him. Why would Greef be thinking about that? He wondered what conclusion he had come to. “And?”

“I think he has… maybe a little too well.”

Din nodded. “Yeah, that’s about what I thought.”

Greef let out a short laugh. “You know for a Mandalorian, you’re a terrible liar.”

Din chuckled bitterly. He wasn’t even sure if he could still call himself that.

Greef took a split-second to pat Din’s leg before getting up.

“Come on. We’re eating.”

Din wanted to say he wasn’t hungry but was suddenly reminded of himself at the age of 7. After getting hurt at school he had spent an entire day feeling bad about it, and then his father had pulled him out of his room to eat something and he had said the same thing. I’m not hungry.

It hadn’t been true then. It wasn’t true now, either.

He nodded, got up, and rubbed his hands over his face. Greef waited for him in the open door.

“Ready?”

Din nodded again. “Ready.”

He was thankful… that Greef was there for him. That he was trying, despite that not being his strong suit. He was never condescending. Only ever real.

That night he didn’t go walking for the first night since it had all happened. Instead, he laid in bed and thought about the feeling of that doll in his arms, about how it felt for that split second when he believed it was the kid. He had truly loved it. It reminded him of another memory, one that he had been ignoring or even pushing away every time it popped up.

Back on Kol Iben, after he had brought the frog lady to her husband, and after he had met Bo-Katan, Koska, and Axe Woves. They had been so tired. He hadn’t slept at all since that short nap on the broken crest and before that, well he had slept before they landed on Tatooine and that was it. He was utterly exhausted. Maybe that was why he had made the mistake of getting onto that boat.

After that, when he had flown away from the other Mandalorians, he had gone to the inn and booked them a room. He had finally gotten some food for himself too, but first, he had to get Grogu to take a nap. When Grogu had finally fallen asleep, which only happened after he had sat down on the bed with him and softly talked to him, he had locked and barricaded the door. He had finally gone to the bathroom, taken off his helmet in there, and looked at himself in the mirror. He never liked looking for long. It felt odd to look at yourself when no one else could. He had eaten in there for the first time in days, and then cleaned the inside of the helmet. The saltwater was bad for the interior so it had to be done quickly.

When it had all been done he had put his helmet back on and laid down on the bed next to Grogu. Grogu had immediately noticed he was back. He had moved to lie down against his arm in an instant. One hand resting on his arm, holding onto the fabric, the other tucked underneath. He had nuzzled his nose against his arm too and had let go of a soft, happy sigh.

Oh, how that little sigh had melted his heart. He had been very reluctant to accept that back then, but now that he was starting to understand things a little bit more, he was okay with it. It had been the sweetest moment between them until then. The fact that he had wanted to cuddle up to him, and hold on tight and had actually sighed peacefully…? Oh, that sweet little sigh. The kid really did like him.

He remembered how hard it had been to not move onto his side and wrap his other arm around him… maybe pull him closer… maybe press his helmet to his little head…

He had to remind himself not to get attached several times as he looked down at the little kid. He had been just right there, ready to scoop up and hold close. But he hadn’t done that. Instead, he had fallen asleep very quickly. He had just been so… comfortable with the kid right there. He had slept so deep it was probably dangerous.

He spent way too long thinking about those couple of hours. The feeling of his little hand seemed to come back to him whenever he thought of it. He had to admit that he liked that.

His mind drifted to a couple of hours later, in that same inn. It was after he had agreed to help Bo-Katan and the others out on their mission. They had had some time to kill before they were going to make their move, and so he had taken the kid back to their room. He had laid down facing Grogu. He had tried his best to not feel his heart grow many sizes as he felt and watched the kid cuddle up to his arm again. He hadn’t been able to stop himself from placing his cape over him as a blanket. He had almost wrapped his arm around him anyway, since it had been hovering over him… it would have been an easy move.

Instead, he had placed his arm next to him, not touching him. That was supposed to be a safe move. Except the sleepier he had gotten, the more he had started to pull his arm in towards the kid. In hindsight, he wished he had just let himself do that. Had just let himself pull the kid closer and finally hold him as they slept. But he hadn’t. He had placed his arm on his own leg the moment he had noticed. That way he couldn’t pull him closer and give in to his craving to cuddle with him.

He wondered, as he laid awake in his bed, what would’ve happened if he had given in. If he had just allowed himself to pull him closer and enjoy the warmth and comfort that the kid brought him.

What if he had just done it? Would things have gone differently? Would he have removed his helmet right there in that room? In private, instead of in a room filled with people? Would Ahsoka have trained him then? Or would she have been mad about the attachment? She had said he had formed a strong attachment to him and that had already been too much to want to train him. He had ignored that comment back then because he was.. an idiot.

He remembered not wanting to put too much effort into showing off his abilities. As important as it was for Grogu, he had already been too attached to want to let him go. It was probably for the better, that he hadn’t allowed himself to care more. It would have been dangerous and even more painful. And unfair to Grogu.

He sighed and sat up in his bed. He looked around the dark room and decided to try something that was probably going to be a big mistake. He just couldn’t seem to stop himself. He just got up, walked over to another bed, and picked up a pillow. Then he got back to his own bed and laid down with the pillow in his arms.

He fell into the daydream of himself holding Grogu like that easily. He had barely closed his eyes and he was already dreaming. It was just such a nice idea to nap with the kid warm and safe in his arms. It surprised him how easy it was for him to soften up. Granted, nobody could see him, so that definitely made it easier. But he could still judge himself for it later. For now though, he was going to enjoy it.

With his eyes closed, he leant his forehead against the pillow and imagined it was Grogu. He thought about the things he wanted to say to him. If he ever did get to see him again.

As he laid there daydreaming, he caught himself caressing the pillow and pulling it closer. He felt the need to press his cheek against it and it frustrated him that he felt that way, but it was too nice to get himself to stop. He just really needed something nice to happen.

He was so tired of feeling overwhelming amounts of, well, anything. Everything seemed to overwhelm him and his eyes had been leaking more in the past week than they had in about 30 years.

He fell asleep still holding the pillow close, with the gentlest smile on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts, I love all of your comments so much 🥰🥰🥰


	7. A Change Of Pace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Din worries some friends and visits some other friends. Maybe this is just what he needs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry it's been a hot second. This has been a hectic week, but I promise I'm still writing! I have about 30k words in notes so there will definitely be loads more 😁

Miraculously, he slept the whole night through. It was peaceful and filled with nice dreams until the morning came.

The only issue was that dreaming of Grogu allowed his head to access a part of his memories that he didn’t want to see, and worst of all, it gave access to his worst fears. His brain had been mean a lot lately, making him think things that weren’t true, and feel things that weren’t good. And so, as was now the usual, he had another nightmare.

It was about their goodbye, as many dreams before this had been too. Except this time, things went a little bit differently.

“How can I find you?” He had asked Luke, so he didn’t have to face Grogu’s sad eyes anymore. His knees had become weak already and wouldn’t have been able to keep holding on for much longer.

“I’ll find you.” Luke had said.

In his dream, instead of him accepting that answer, he now asked, “How?”

“I’ll use the force,” Luke responded, but there was something about him that made Din feel uneasy.

“Is that how that works?” He could feel himself frown.

Luke didn’t answer.

“Be honest.” Din pressed. He needed to know if the force worked like that.

Luke shrugged casually. “Do you want me to tell you that you’ll see him again, or do you want me to be honest?”

It felt like his heart had stopped beating. “Are… are you saying I’ll never see him again?”

Luke shrugged, turned around, and just walked away.

Nope. Nope nope nope nope.

He woke up drenched in sweat, sitting upright abruptly. What if he’ll never see him again?

He let his head fall backward and sighed heavily. Were these stupid dreams ever going to stop? Maybe he had been right before… maybe he should just push his attachment away until it became numb or too quiet to bother him. Only then could he move on.

He was not accepting this attachment, no. It was safer to let it all go. He picked up the pillow and angrily tossed it back onto the other bed.

He furiously pushed away the feeling of guilt at his aggressive throw of the imaginary child. It was just a pillow! It’s not even the real kid! Besides, he’d totally love being tossed like that. He had loved them plummeting to their deaths on their ice planet too.

He sighed heavily and let himself fall back down onto the bed. This was going to be tougher than he had initially thought. If he was truly going to try to let go of the attachments he had only just finally started letting in… He was going to have to put a lot of effort into it. Effort and energy. One of which he didn’t have, and the other he didn’t want to have.

Somehow he felt guilty for wanting to move on. He had an odd urge in the pit of his stomach that told him to ask permission first.

_Tell me it’s okay, so I can move on._

He let himself fall back onto the bed fully and tried to press his head backwards into the pillow so far it hurt.

When Din did not stumble into town that morning, everyone felt on edge. There was a worried feeling in the air. Everyone who rounded the corner got stared at by the vendors and regular buyers.

“Where is he..?” Cara muttered under her breath.

He had never come in this late.

When it was almost time for the morning market to clean up, she made her way over to Greef.

“We have to go look for him.”

“I agree,” Greef said as he left his doorstep.

Bes showed up too. “I want to help.” She was very determined, and the other two didn’t even know why. They didn’t know that Din had saved her life when they had just been kids. They didn’t know that she had helped him look for the little silver ball just a day earlier.

Greef shrugged.

Bes nodded sternly. “I’ll go look in the desert.”

They looked for him everywhere they could think of. They scanned the horizon to see if he had collapsed anywhere they could see him. Greef sent the Mithrol away on a speeder to search for him further away.

They, along with some vendors and regulars who knew Din stumbled into town every morning around the same time, were scared he had gotten hurt in the middle of the night. One day things ought to go wrong when you walk for longer than your body should be able to handle, on barely a meal a day.

Cara searched outside, near the school where she knew he liked to sit. When he wasn’t there she looked around every corner, into every alley, anywhere that was big enough to fit him she checked.

He had said he knew about the lava tide… he wouldn’t have… right? She shook her head. No, that’s no way to think. They would find him. Eventually. Alive.

Greef made his way into the old covert and looked everywhere too. He opened every door, and the ones that didn’t open he pounded his fist on and called for Mando. He rushed through the maze of hallways to where he vaguely remembered his room was. He should write it down or draw it out later. So he could remember where to go next time. A left, a right, two lefts, another right, it was a maze.

He heard Cara somewhere in the distance too. He was glad. It was better for her to get lost in here than for any of the townsfolk. They wouldn’t know what to do.

When he had finally made it to the right room he yanked the door open and Din flew up from the bed with a gasp.

“He’s here!” Greef called into the hallway.

Din quickly dried his tears and reached for the helmet.

“Mando, please… it’s okay.” Greef said with his hands up. He let out a relieved sigh. “You don’t need the helmet.”

Din looked at the ground before sighing and putting it away.

“I don’t need the speech either.”

Greef hesitated before sitting down on the bed anyway. He pulled out a com and told the mithrol to get Bes and then come back; they had found him.

They were… looking for him..? He was surprised to find out they cared so much.

“Mando… We want you to be okay.”

“You have walked every night for the past week. More than that.” Cara reminded him from the door. “You didn’t show up this morning, we were worried.”

“Well, I’m fine. Please leave.”

“Right.” Greef scoffed. “So, you were fine when I just walked in?”

“Yes.” Din lied.

Greef sighed. He went to say something but Cara stopped him.

“I think it’s time you do something.” She said to Din. She continued before he could protest. “Maybe see an old friend or go somewhere with good memories.”

Din’s immediate thought was Mos Pelgo. That had been a good day. Granted, he did get eaten by the Krayt Dragon, that had been gross, but Cobb was fun. He could definitely use some fun.

He nodded slowly. “Maybe I will..”

Greef decided to lend him a ship, with the promise that he’d bring it back unharmed. He flew to Tatooine in a blur. Now that he was leaving the planet for the first time since he had given him up, he was feeling numb. It was like he left all of his emotion on Nevarro.

He was happy to be flying again, to see the stars woosh past him and to feel the gentle movement of the ship. He was glad that Greef had given him a ship with only one seat. He had only looked over his shoulder four times during his trip to Tatooine. He had definitely caught himself talking to the kid about seeing Peli again, and seeing Cobb again too. But other than that he had done great.

He was so ready to hear Peli’s ridiculous whining again, he couldn’t wait to hear Cobb’s strong accent again, but most of all, he couldn’t wait to sit on the speeder bike and feel the wind creeping under his beskar.

What he hadn’t thought of though, was that Peli would ask where the kid was. He remembered how last time he had made a joke out of it. He hid him at first and then turned the bag around and showed him off.

Peli had been so happy to see him. He had been a little bit uncomfortable with her just picking him up and holding him close. He had perhaps been a tiny bit jealous to see her holding him the way he wanted to but didn’t dare.

This time though, it was so much worse. He walked out of the ship and Peli was standing outside talking to one of the droids.

“Mando?” She asked, confused. “Where is your ship?”

“I-it was time for something new.” He tried to play it off as a choice. Nobody had blown up his ship. It was just simply time for something else.

Peli looked him up and down, something about him felt off. Maybe it was the way his beskar looked uncared for, or the fact that he smelled funny… The more she looked at him as he walked over the more she started to realize what it was that felt off.

“Where is the womp-rat?” She asked, her voice sharp.

Din froze halfway through his step. One foot up in the air, destabilizing him.

“H-he’s gone…” He tried to put his foot down but the ground was further down than he thought and he stumbled forward until he could grab onto a droid and keep himself upright.

He tried his best to breathe. He couldn’t look at her. Peli’s face was angry and she was yelling at him. He didn’t hear what it was that she was saying, all he could hear was a ringing in his ears, but he could tell she was being loud and harsh.

It took him a couple of moments to realize she thought he was _gone_ gone, not just off to Jedi school.

“He’s not..” He tried to interfere. He shook his head. “No…” He felt too weak to be able to fight her. He couldn’t get his voice to be loud enough. He didn’t feel right. Like all the emotion he hadn’t felt up in the sky was now suddenly crashing down on him. A part of him wanted to just get back on the ship and move up. He wanted to feel numb again.

Peli wasn’t accepting any of his gestures or his quiet words, and just kept yelling at him.

“How could you ever let that happen! The poor child! He was just a child!” She pointed an angry finger at him.

“Peli, he’s not dead!” Din ended up yelling when he had finally found his voice again. He tried to stand without the support of the droid but he couldn’t. He had tears streaming down his face by now, and he was glad she couldn’t see that. But he was annoyed with himself. Great. His eyes were leaking again.

He sniffled angrily. He was going to _let go_ of his attachment, not let it get to him all over again. He watched as Peli looked up and frowned. She had definitely heard the sniffle. Great… Not that too…

A head peeked out from around a wall. He wanted to speak up and ask what Mando was doing back here, but then he heard the sniffle, and the words he had yelled out finally registered.

Din hadn’t seen him yet and so he stood there carefully looking and listening, without interrupting. He could announce his presence later. Showing up now would only make the guy feel worse.

“Look.” Din tried to sound as confident as he could muster. “I did what I could okay. He’s somewhere saver now. He’s getting trained. He’s okay. I’m not putting him into any more danger. He’ll grow up to be strong and… and… alone…”

What he meant was, _without me_. Not just alone, but alone without his accidental dad. But he still wasn’t ready to call himself that yet. That is, in a way he was ready, but after the dream from that morning, he refused to let himself. No, he was letting go. He had already decided that. No accidental dad feelings were allowed.

He staggered as he tried to walk over to a place he could sit.

The man on the other side of the wall knew Peli, he was there to talk to her, and so he knew she wouldn’t be able to handle this in a way that he thought the Mandalorian needed. He knew it was time to speak up. Peli wasn’t happy about it though. His announcement would give away that she had lied to him the last time she had seen him. “You’ve been the only Mando around here for years.” She had told him, despite knowing Cobb Vanth personally. She hadn’t lied about never leaving town though. She only ever saw him when he came over.

“Mando?” A familiar voice asked.

Din looked up. He heard Peli sigh at his arrival. His eyes landed on a familiar being. Cobb..? What was he doing here? He didn’t want the guy to see him like this. He swallowed heavily and pretended to be fine as he got up and stepped over to him.

“Cobb Vanth.” He reached out his hand. “Long time.”

“It has.” Cobb agreed as he shook it.

“So what are you doing here?” Din was desperate for small talk. Anything other than talking about the kid.

“I was out gettin’ some supplies the town don’t have.” He lifted a bag in his other hand to show them.

Oh that’s too bad. Din thought. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

“Oh no, Mando, that ain’t happenin’ you and I have some catchin’ up to do.” He wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “So ‘nless you came here to do somethin’ else, ye’re comin’ with me.”

Din shook his head and so Cobb nodded and started walking.

“Hold on..!” Peli exclaimed as she quickly moved to step in front of them. The two men stopped and Din tensed. He really didn’t want to have this conversation with her, he’d rather listen to her whining about something else. That had always been fun in the past.

“So he’s okay?” She asked to make sure.

Din nodded. “He’s okay. He has someone to take care of him and teach him important things…”

“Why did you give him up?” She interrupted.

Din’s lips trembled, and he once again thanked his helmet for not showing that to the others. He was a wreck and he was awfully aware of it. Despite not showing his face, Cobb still knew how much he hated that question; he could feel him tensing.

“He’s one of his kind, and I’m… not.” He swallowed so harshly the others could hear it. He wanted to leave, to sit, to sleep. Well, maybe not sleep, the nightmares were unbearable, but he needed some rest.

“You still have that other speeder?”

“Not unless you can guarantee I’ll get it back in one piece.” She sassed, trying to lighten the mood.

Din sighed. The heaving and falling of his chest made him realize Cobb’s arm was still wrapped around his shoulders.

“Those bandits wanted the kid…” He shrugged. “So, yes, I can guarantee.”

“Oh.” She felt awkward. “Well, quit your mopin’ and go do your thing..!” She didn’t know how to handle these things at all. Din was okay with that, he just wanted to hear her voice and now he had.

“D’you need me to do any repairs or are you just takin’ up my space for free?” She continued to be her authentic self.

“I’ll see if I can do a job here and get you some money.” He promised. There ought to be something.

She continued to quietly whine about having nothing to do and needing money, but Din knew she was full of it.

Cobb started walking towards where he knew she kept the speeder bike. He didn’t know what to say for a while, so they just walked in silence. Then he told him how things were in Mos Pelgo without the Krayt Dragon bothering them and with the peace with the Tuskens. It was hard to communicate about their issues when they couldn’t understand each other. Din offered to help out.

Then when they arrived in Mos Pelgo things fell silent.

They sat at a table and talked for a while about stupid meaningless things that Din wasn’t interested in enough to let it distract him from his aching thoughts.

Cobb knew he was distracted so when the conversation died, just simply because Din stopped replying, he tried to finally ask.

“So… what happened with the kid?”

Din visibly froze. He resisted the need to tell him he wasn’t good enough for him. “I had to uhh… send him off to school if you will.”

“School…”

“Yeah…”

“A school where you ain’t get to see him at the end of th’ day?”

Din shrugged, his eyes locked on two kids outside. They were playing and laughing, and it hurt his heart. “Pretty much.”

Cobb frowned. “Why couldn’t you-”

Din cut him off abruptly, his frustration taking the better of him. “Look I wasn’t good enough for him, okay, so I had to find someone who was. He’s with him now. He’s one of his kind. I was just…” He swallowed heavily. “the taxi.”

Vanth pulled a disapproving face. “I sincerely do not believe ye’re just a taxi but sure, partner, we’ll go with that.”

Din turned to him violently and Cobb threw his hands up.

“What I mean to say is, you ain’t sellin’ yourself short, pal, that ain’t right.” Slowly, he lowered his hands back on the table. “Ya must be tired. I can show ya a room. You can get some rest.”

Din thought it over. He could use some rest. The time it took to travel from Nevarro to Tatooine had been longer than he had hoped. He was tired again already.

“I could bring ya some food. Ya could get som alone time.”

He slowly started to nod. “I…’d like that.” He had left Nevarro without eating breakfast. It wasn’t that he was feeling hungry, but he might as well give it a shot. Maybe something different to eat would trigger hunger he hadn’t felt in over a week.

The marshal instantly got up. “I’ll lead the way.” He motioned for Din to move. He led him to a nice little room with a big, soft-looking bed that made him regret his choice of sleeping on the terrible little mattress in the old covert.

Cobb handed him some food and told him to holler if he needed anything.

He nodded. “Thank you.” Maybe a change of scenery would allow him some sleep without any nightmares.

He took off the helmet once he was sure he was gone. He ate as quickly as he could but then as he was eating was reminded of making food with the kid bothering him because he was too hungry to wait, and feeding him, and being worried he wasn’t going to like what he had made and it led to more tears.

He thought about the doll and the pillow in his arms and sighed. This morning he had decided to move on from his pain and to relearn how to live a life alone once more. But now, he was just sitting there thinking about wanting to hold the kid.

He thoughtlessly drifted over to the bed and picked up the pillow. He held it close and pushed his face into it with his eyes screwed shut. Why did it have to feel so nice? Why did his thoughts go back to the little girl kissing his helmet and the thought of kissing Grogu? How could he just want that?

It surprised him how easy it was to think about snuggles and kisses. They were things he hadn’t done or experienced in 30 years. Things he hadn’t _wanted_ in all that time either… not like this. He had been lonely but… he had never thought about holding a child as he slept. Even though he worked in the guild to provide for the foundlings, he had always been distant enough to not care too much. Their facelessness had certainly helped.

But Grogu… Grogu did have a face, and cute little sounds that he made. He was mischievous and loving. He had saved him, healed him, cared for him. Still though, the realization of just how easily he could fall into a daydream about holding the kid close and brushing his lips over his forehead… it hit him like a wall.

He was tough, and strong, and a warrior. He was known and feared. And yet, here he was, thinking about a little green boy who had softened him up without him even realizing. He hadn’t thought of snuggles and kisses since he was eight years old and missing his parents. Well, perhaps he had thought about it at later ages too, but he had always pushed that away. He had never allowed himself to miss his mother’s kisses or his father’s hugs. They were things he could never get back so they were simply a waste of time.

Where was that urge now? That urge to push away and just go on with life. Instead, he was stuck on Tatooine now, and Nevarro again soon, feeling sad and defeated and so unlike himself… yet also, _somehow_ , more like himself than he had in all those years alone. 

He cursed to himself. Why was he feeling so emotional? This was utterly irrational.

What was really utterly irrational was the fact that Din by now still wasn’t realizing just how much he had already figured out why he was emotional. Maybe it was just that he wasn’t used to caring this much. Maybe his head tried to change his mind to try to avoid more pain. Maybe he was just being his stubborn self, refusing himself any form of positivity.

He’d come to terms with it all eventually.

He let himself fall onto the bed with a sigh. The bed was softer than anything he had ever slept on. Even his bed as a kid in his home hadn’t been this nice. He hugged the pillow close to his chest and tried to fall asleep.

No matter what he tried though, his thoughts were too awake to grant him rest.

Cobb came back a while later, thinking it was better to help him take his mind off the kid. When he stood in front of the door he heard that he was crying. Oh dear, it was really bad, huh? He didn’t know much about Mando or his kid. He didn’t know how long the Mandalorian had been the kid’s dad. If it was biological or adoption… Either way, he knew he was the father of the kid, and now the kid was gone. 

He knocked gently. He could hear Din frantically walking and grabbing his helmet.

“I won’t come in until ya say I can.” He said through the door. He didn’t want him to worry.

Din sighed to calm himself, dried his tears, and then put the helmet on. He opened the door and Cobb almost fell into the room because he had been leaning against the thing.

“Uh hey.” Din felt embarrassed. Cobb had definitely heard him.

“Hey, so I had planned to go do some trainin’ d’ya wanna join?”

Din was instantly game. Yes, he did want to work out, and he most certainly could use some sparring. Training alone in the old covert wasn’t doing much for him.

They trained for hours. At first, they did some working out alone, while chatting about the townsfolk and the Tuskens and simple things that didn’t matter. Then, when it turned more into talking and less actual training, they decided to spar.

Din was so used to using his beskar as he fought that he constantly hurt Cobb without even realizing. Vanth no longer had any armor to wear and was forced to experience the hard blows of beskar on his unprotected body.

“Hey there, partner, I ain't got any shiny beskar.”

He took another blow.

“This ain’t payback for scarin’ ya last time, ain’t it?”

“You didn’t scare me,” Din grunted before landing another punch.

“Sure did. I didn’ get to see yer face but ya froze the moment I took that helmet off.”

Din sighed. He didn’t like to be seen. Especially not by a stranger who didn’t know his body language as well as his friends did. Sure, he saw him as a friend now, but that didn’t mean that he was just allowed to know these things.

He was distracted enough that Cobb finally got a punch in. But he punched the beskar and it hurt so bad he stepped backward and screwed his eyes shut. 

"You okay?" Din asked, concern lacing his voice.

"I don't know if I should keep doin this, partner. Not ‘nless you take that armor off and fight me ‘n just clothes."

To anyone else that might have been ridiculous. "Just clothes" but to Din… just clothes would be.. vulnerable. He accepted only because he hadn’t been fair to Cobb, using his beskar to hurt him. This wasn't a high-stakes fight, this was just for fun.

He slowly took all the armor off, except for the helmet. Cobb respected that. He didn't know that he now took it off occasionally. He preferred not to though, so he was glad Cobb didn’t protest. Cobb was respectful the whole time and only glanced over a couple of times as he took each piece off. He never openly looked, even when they got back to sparring he only ever looked where he was moving next.

They didn't spar for long. Din was clearly uncomfortable and Cobb could easily get punches in, which made him even more uncomfortable. The way he could feel the touch was overwhelming. The pain was fine, he knew how to take that, the touch itself though was… too much. It felt like it was on bare skin, despite his clothes. They didn’t do anything to keep his skin from feeling the warmth of the other man's hands. He hated it. It made him feel naked.

Cobb proposed to stop and relax with some spotchka. Din said no but that he’d join Cobb just to chat. Cobb apologized for forgetting about the helmet and the Mandalorian waved it off. They ended up talking business with the Tuskens. Since they were both feeling sore, exhausted, and in pain, they decided to deal with that in the morning.

Vanth led him back to the village guest house. He lingered, wanting to say more, and perhaps ask more. But he ultimately decided against it.

Din stared at the ceiling for a long time. He didn’t dare to sleep. He laid in bed until he didn’t feel all that sore anymore and then he walked again. It was nice to walk somewhere else for once. Sure, he didn’t know where he was going, but he had his jetpack on so… things couldn’t go wrong, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for everyone's lovely comments! I can't wait to read what you guys think of this one 🥰


	8. The Desert of Tatooine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Din walks through the night and finds himself lost. Grogu is more connected to his dad than he thinks. One of them allows others to comfort him, the other refuses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will Din deal? 😟

Grogu was restless as he laid in his bed. He was supposed to be asleep but every time he closed his eyes he was hit with images of Din stumbling weakly. He was in a desert of sorts, but not the same one as the last time he had seen him stumbling around. It looked more like… Tatooine?

Had Din gone to a different planet? Was he going to?

Grogu couldn’t tell if he was seeing a vision of the future or just simply a daydream. Either way, he did not like the way it made him feel. Something was wrong. I mean, plenty was wrong, but now even more so than before.

He was tossing and turning in the mostly empty bed. He hated this feeling of loneliness and uncertainty. There was something very unnerving about the images he was seeing. Din looked like he was in trouble. He was stumbling, dragging his feet, his back was hunched… he seemed utterly exhausted.

His discomfort was so strong that even Luke couldn’t block it out. He was lying in the room next to Grogu’s and staring at the wall. He let go of his tenth sigh of the evening. He was just too tired to get up and teach him how to calm down. He tried to speak to him through the force so that he didn’t have to get up.

“Grogu, it’s okay. It’s just a dream. Go back to sleep.”

But Grogu couldn’t be convinced. He could feel that something was wrong with his dad and he couldn’t shake the need to leave and help him.

He watched as Din walked and walked and walked. He watched as Din got weaker and weaker. He watched as he eventually stumbled and fell down. There were sand people somewhere in the distance too. They were saying things he did not understand. They were moving towards his dad and the closer they got the faster his heartbeat.

Grogu’s discomfort was more than he could handle. He tossed and turned and threw off his blanket, just to get cold. Things around the two of them started shaking and Luke knew he had to get up and over to him.

He ran, because he could feel the pull to the dark side, and hurried into Grogu’s lonely room. He tried to pick him up but Grogu moved away. He did not want to be touched by him.

It reminded Luke of the first couple of days together. Grogu had refused his care, his words, his touch. Every part of the force around him was screaming “I’m not listening to you” and there had been seemingly nothing Luke could do.

He knew now though, that just sitting there with him already helped. So he dropped down to the floor, folded his legs, and looked away.

“Grogu, I know it’s scary. I know it’s hard to see what is true and what is a dream, but I promise your father is okay. Your dad is fine.” He tried, but Grogu could feel that Luke’s words were uncertain. Luke actually had no idea how Din was doing. So he turned away and grumbled.

Luke wasn’t sure what to do now. At least the kid had calmed down a little bit, but he knew that things would get bad again the moment he left.

“Grogu, it’s important that you get some rest. Tomorrow is a big day for your training.”

Grogu huffed. He didn’t want training. He had only just finally gotten to see his dad’s face and he had touched his cheek and Din had melted and he wanted more of that. So, so much more of that. He wanted _more_ and he wanted it now. He wanted to pull him back to his feet and out of the desert and into his arms.

They sat there in silence for a long time. Luke tried to tell Grogu calming things using the force, but Grogu blocked most of it out. It seemed to take forever before Grogu waddled back over to his pillow and slumped down.

Luke slowly turned to him. “It’s good to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.” He placed his blanket over him and gave him one quick pet on his head, before leaving.

Grogu stayed awake, his eyes locked on the ceiling, until he finally saw a flash of the Tuskens helping Din out. He saw them hoisting him up off the ground and carrying him to their camp. They were caring for him.

Luke heaved a sigh of relief in his room and finally relaxed into his mattress.

Grogu held onto his blanket tightly and finally allowed himself to fall asleep.

Din woke up abruptly from yet another nightmare. Someone was hanging over him and it made his heart race. Who could it be? He flew up and noticed that he was surrounded by people. It took him a moment to realize it was the Tuskens.

They were trying to say things to him, knowing he can understand, and yet… nothing registered. One of them was signing wildly when he didn’t respond. He squinted his eyes and made a sound that let them know he was trying, but nothing seemed to arrive in his head. He shook his head and tried to get his hands to move enough to let them know he really was trying his best.

The suns were shining brightly and he found himself squinting to even be able to see. When he finally registered what that meant his hands flew up to his face.

Oh, thank the stars. His helmet was still on.

He let himself fall back down to the ground and he groaned. He could hear the Tuskens discussing what to do with him and he closed his eyes. Did it matter? He felt like he couldn’t move. He certainly wasn’t going to remove his helmet in front of them to eat or drink, so… he was just going to lie here and wait for something magical to happen.

He wondered how Grogu was feeling. Was he feeling okay? Was he sleeping well? No. He couldn’t think about him right now. Hadn’t he decided to move on? He breathed deeply. Yes, he was moving on. He was pushing away that feeling of wanting to see him again and holding him in his arms and- No. He was not feeling this. He was _not_ thinking of that.

In the meantime, Cobb had figured out that he had left. He had stood outside his door for a long time, knocking and calling his name, asking him about breakfast. When nobody replied he carefully opened the door and peeked inside.

At first, he had figured that maybe he had somewhere to be, but then he noticed the speeder and a bag of his things. He hoped he had left to talk to the Tuskens and that he’d be back soon.

Except hours went by and there was no sign of the Mandalorian anywhere. Cobb was getting worried and decided to take his own speeder and look around for him. He had asked around the village if anyone had seen him, but nobody had any answers. Something felt wrong. He remembered the Mandalorian telling him he walked around at night back on Nevarro and decided it was a good idea to go look for him.

So there he was, on his speeder, racing around the dunes and frantically searching for his friend. There wasn’t a sign of him. No footsteps to follow, no signs of a camp or a fight that might hint at his presence. He couldn’t find any Tuskens either, and found himself hoping that was a good sign.

It took days of Cobb searching around the desert, checking in on Peli, and frantically asking the townsfolk if they had seen him yet. He raced over to Peli every single day, sometimes twice, to ask if she had seen him and to check if his ship was still there. Every single time she told him the same thing; she hadn’t seen him. The ship hadn’t moved, his stuff was still in Mos Pelgo, it was starting to look worse and worse.

Still, Cobb Vanth was not a quitter. He was not about to stop searching. Not until it was absolutely certain that he wasn’t coming back.

Finally, after several days, the Tuskens managed to force Din to return to Mos Pelgo. It wasn’t what he wanted. After all, what was the point anyway? He’d just go back to grab his things and be alone somewhere else.

The facelessness of the Tuskens had been nice. For a little while, it had felt very similar to the tribe. For a few moments, he had fallen back into the odd comfort of familiarity. No matter how much he didn’t like the tribe anymore, it had been nice for things to feel like they were back to normal. Not a normal he liked, but a normal nevertheless.

He stumbled his way back into Mos Pelgo. He had used his jetpack at first, but turns out he forgot to refuel it before leaving. So he stumbled, his body begging for food and fluids. Water… Milk… perhaps Spotchka… Anything at this point. Although he sure was craving some alcohol right about now. Back on Nevarro, he had been drinking a lot. Here on Tatooine though, he hadn't had a single drop. Somewhere deep down he knew that was a bad idea. He had refused to eat anything the Tuskens had offered him. But his craving was a strong one and both his mind and his body were too exhausted to protest.

So he staggered back into Mos Pelgo, his eyes on the ground so that he knew where to put down his feet. His eyes were heavy, as was everything else. He shuffled forward and was suddenly engulfed by two arms. His face, though with his helmet, met a shoulder rather harshly.

He forced his hand to move to his blaster. He would not be too tired to protect himself. It took him a second or two to realize who it was, but when he did, his arm fell down weakly. No blaster was needed, thankfully.

Cobb held on tightly. He almost admitted just how worried he had been, but he decided against it. He moved back, scanned the state he was in with his hands on his shoulders, and then looked up at his visor.

“Ya look like shit.”

He wanted to demand an explanation, but he had seen the state he was in. He didn’t need the words to know what was going on. The man was grieving. He remembered the Mandalorian saying it was unclear when and _if_ he’d ever see his kid again. It didn’t make sense to him, and the man refused to explain himself, but he knew one thing; he had lost his kid.

Mando kept calling him _the_ kid, which was odd since he was clearly the father of the little boy… But the guy was grieving so he didn’t press it.

Din collapsed to the ground from exhaustion, startling Cobb out of his thoughts.

Cobb hoisted him up with the help of one of the women in town. She had been working on a speeder, secretly watching them, and had run over the moment Din collapsed.

They brought him to the guesthouse where Din struggled and protested.

“I don’t need sleep. I need a drink.” His speech was slurred as if drunk, but the exhaustion was truly kicking in now. He was afraid to sleep and would much rather drink away his sorrows, but Cobb pushed him back down onto the bed.

“Thank you.” He nodded at the lady. She knew it was time for her to leave.

Cobb lectured Din for several minutes, but Din kept shaking his head wildly and then groaning in pain from the headache.

The Marshal ended up sighing and telling him he’d get a drink if he promised to eat first. Din agreed. Cobb was fully expecting to find Din asleep when he returned with food and a glass of a blue liquid. It wasn’t the Spotchka Din had asked for, but rather a warm blue drink they gave anyone in town who needed a really good night's sleep. Vanth was hoping the Mandalorian was tired enough not to notice.

He placed the tray on the bed, told him to, “take care o yaself”, and left. He didn’t go far. He couldn’t get himself to do so. It was better to just sit somewhere close to the building and keep an eye, or an ear, on the guestroom.

After tossing aside his helmet, Din reluctantly took one bite of his food and then grabbed the drink. He frowned at himself. The drink felt warm… Had Cobb given him gross Tatooine-temperatured Spotchka?

He gulped down the drink without giving it another thought. Hm. It tasted odd. He shrugged to himself. It was probably the Tatooine heat.

He forced himself to eat at least a part of what was on the plate and then laid back down on the bed. He laid awake for way longer than he liked. His head would not shut up. He grumbled, put the helmet back on, and walked out of the guesthouse, wanting to go get some more of that weird warm Spotchka. But he was met by Cobb who had been sitting in a hoverchair close to the house.

Cobb tried to hide his surprise. The people in Mos Pelgo couldn’t resist the sleeping drink even if they had the most energy they possibly could… Yet here was this Mandalorian, exhausted beyond anything he could imagine, and he was just… standing there…

“No no no, Mando, that ain’t happenin.” He said as he stood up. He walked over with his hands up, ready to push the Mandalorian back into the guesthouse. The guy was beyond exhausted so surely, if he tried to fight him now he could take him. Probably. Hopefully.

Din sighed. “Look. I’m not going to sleep. I need a drink. We’ve been over this.” He slurred.

“Mando, ye’re so tired ya sound drunk already.” Cobb gently pushed him back into the room and all Din could do was protest verbally, because his body wasn’t doing a single thing he wanted it to do.

Instead of walking out, the marshal decided to sit down at the end of the bed until the Mandalorian was asleep. Din was annoyed about it. He wanted to drink, not fall back into his heart-wrenching nightmares…

Cobb just launched into a boring story about a time he sleepwalked and ended up seeing the two suns rise above the dunes. Apparently, it was beautiful.

Din knew exactly what he was doing, but he was not going to fight him anymore. The man was dead-set on getting him to sleep and… he’d never say it to him out loud but, he was right. He was utterly exhausted.

He grumbled to himself. It felt like he was being babied. He felt like a child who was too stubborn to sleep despite needing it, and it made him feel stupid. Oddly though, somehow it was kind of nice? That he cared enough? The other Mandalorians had never done anything like this for him. When he was a kid and refused to sleep they just let him stay awake and be exhausted in class the next morning.

The last time he was really cared for like that was by his own parents. He had been sick and his mom had brought him some soup before sitting down on the bed and reading him a story. His dad had joined to do silly voices that made him giggle, and then cough. It was a nice memory that felt bittersweet in the moment.

Oh, what he wouldn’t give to tell Grogu a story making silly voices and pulling funny faces…

On a completely different planet, a little green boy was sitting on a rock, thinking about something he wished for. He wasn’t sure how the thought had ended up in his head, but he couldn’t help himself when he thought of himself and his dad sitting on a bed. Grogu was tucked in tightly, and Din was reading him a story, making silly faces along the way. Every character had a different voice and posture.

He smiled sadly at the sky. His dad was out there somewhere. He wanted to see him so incredibly badly, but for now, these little thoughts that warmed his heart would have to do.

As he laid back and looked up at the clouds, he imagined the warm rock he was feeling was actually Din’s warm chest. He knew he barely ever took his armor off, but he could hope… He had taken his helmet off for him so… it had to be a possibility.

He let go of a sad sigh and closed his eyes. If his dad couldn’t be here with him, he’d just have to imagine him here instead.

As he thought about him, and the way his face might look as it pulled silly expressions, he wondered what he was thinking about.

Din turned onto his other side for the twentieth time in the past 5 minutes and Cobb sighed. “Why ain’t ya sleepin’ yet?”

“I can’t get comfortable, okay?”

Cobb scanned his eyes over his armor. “Alright. I got a proposal for you, partner. Ya take the armor off-” He raised a finger. “-minus the helmet.” He paused to see the Mandalorian nod. “Then I’ll clean it up for ya, as long as ya get som’ rest.”

Din hesitated for only a second. He would love to feel comfortable on this insanely soft bed actually. He removed the armor plates and finally watched Cobb leave the room.

“Don’t ya dare walk away ‘gain.” The marshal warned with a hand up and his eyebrows high. It was a look similar to the one he gave Din back when they had just met. Somehow, that was comforting and Din said nothing to protest.

He got under the thin blanket, knowing it would be too warm in the Tatooine heat, and got himself comfortable. Oh, that was nice. He could feel himself melt. He sank into the mattress and before he could decide to take the helmet off too, he was already asleep.

When Cobb returned with the cleaned beskar, he walked in on Din holding a pillow in his arms. He didn’t walk in without knocking of course. He had knocked and called for him and then when there hadn’t been a reply he had thrown open the door to check if he was still there. He was vast asleep in the bed, holding a pillow close to his chest.

It was an odd sight, this tough Mandalorian who fought ruthlessly, and had definitely killed many people in his lifetime, was hugging a pillow in his sleep. The marshal chuckled quietly to himself.

He carefully closed the door behind himself and let him sleep.

When he came back later, he could distinctly hear that he was now awake. He walked in on him standing next to the bed, still holding the pillow in his hands. Din hadn’t even noticed the door opening.

“Anythin’ wrong with yer pillow?” Cobb asked while leaning against the doorpost.

Din looked up quickly. He was glad he was still wearing his helmet.

“What? Oh, no. It’s fine.”

He threw the pillow back onto the bed, and tried his best to ignore the way that made his heart clench. Just like on Nevarro when he had been frustrated and threw the pillow away, he couldn’t help but feel like he had just thrown Grogu away himself.

Cobb knew what was going on. He was grieving his kid after all. He understood.

For a moment they stood there, looking at each other, not saying a word. Then they started talking again at the same time.

“Feeling better?”

“Can I ask-”

They both paused. Neither knew who was going to speak first.

“I’m uh... I’m better now, yes.”

“Ain’t that some good news.” Cobb chuckled. He stepped over to the bed and put down a bag that rumbled loudly and gave Din a violent flashback of the armor of the foundlings in the covert.

In a flash he saw the children running around, he heard them laugh and yell happily, but the yelling soon turned into screaming and fear. The flashes became dark and cruel. He could feel their blood on his hands. His heartfelt like it had stopped beating, just like theirs.

He grabbed a fistful of bedsheet to try to keep himself upright, but there was nothing that could possibly stop his knees from buckling. He sank to the floor, his head landing on the side of the bed.

Cobb rushed over to him but halted when Din threw up a hand.

“You okay there, partner?”

Din couldn’t speak for a minute, but he waved him off. It was fine. He’d be fine. He just needed a moment to figure out how to pull himself together again.

He shuffled over to the bag of beskar and slowly started pulling the pieces out. They were clean and shiny and felt like home. He pushed himself up to a standing position and then froze when Cobb’s hand landed on his shoulder.

Vanth pulled his hand back with a quick apology. He took a step back to give him his space.

“Anythin’ I can do?”

Din looked up and seemed to think it over.

“Could y- Is it- C-could…” He sighed. “Could you… hu-hug me again?”

Cobb involuntarily let out a laugh. Not because it was funny, but because he seemed so awkward and that was so not necessary.

“You know what, forget I asked,” Din grumbled, quickly putting on his chest plate.

“Hey..!” Cobb exclaimed, moving closer. “I’m laughin’ cause ya seem uncert'n. There ain’t no need for that Mando. ‘f course, I’ll hug ya.”

The Mandalorian hummed. There was nothing else he could say. He unhooked the chest plate again, and placed it back on the bed.

Cobb took several steps closer. He was so fast it startled Din. The marshal paused.

“Say, how long has ‘t been since yer last hug?”

“However long it’s been since I took this nap.” He pointed to the bed with a shrug.

Cobb chuckled. “And before that?” He asked carefully.

Din shrugged. It made him feel like a little kid again. “My parents when I was eight…” He shrugged again, unsure of how to act in a situation like this. “…and I guess the kid…”

“Wait yer parents stopped huggin’ ya when ya turned eight?”

“They…” He swallowed. “…they uhh…” He frowned. Wow. He hadn’t had trouble saying those words in years... yet here he was, struggling. He had to force himself to say it. “They died. When I was eight.”

“Oh.” Cobb wasn’t sure what to say for a moment. “I’m sorry, Mando.”

Din shrugged. It was what it was. He couldn’t change the past.

“I’m goina hug ya now,” Cobb warned as he stepped closer. It wasn’t like there was anything else to say on the matter.

Din nodded and before he knew it, he was engulfed in a tight hug. It almost knocked the air out of his lungs. He was stiff at first, unsure of what to do. Being an adult, hugging another adult… it felt off. He had only ever hugged adults as a child, and hugged children as an adult. This was a whole new level of… vulnerability. He wasn’t sure if he liked it.

The moment he finally leant into the hug properly his arms turned limp. His full weight leant onto the man and he could feel Cobb straining to keep standing.

“Dank farrik,” Din grumbled, trying to regain control over his body. “I’m sorry.”

Cobb just chuckled and held on tighter. “Don’t worry ‘bout it, Mando.” He could use the hug himself.

Din thought of telling Cobb his name, but the things the tribe had taught him were deeply ingrained in his system and he couldn’t get himself to say it. Instead, he forced himself to actually hug back rather than leaning his full weight onto his friend.

It was, surprisingly, actually nice.

When they broke the hug, it was Din who stepped away first. Cobb had been ready to just hug for a standard hour. It was just the two of them in the room; nobody was there to judge them. They could be cool and tough in the outside world, but everyone needed a bit of tenderness from time to time.

“Alright, partner. I think it time ya eat the rest of yer food.” Cobb chuckled after hearing Din’s stomach growl.

He left him to eat in private. Then later, they met up to discuss their business with the sand people.

As per usual, Din communicated with the Tuskens just fine, and Cobb couldn’t help but be impressed. He watched as they talked and signed and it just made him like the Mandalorian even more.

Din was a total badass, as Cobb had come to expect of Mando. He loved seeing him in his element. It was so much better than the state he had seen him in earlier. He tried to control his face as he watched him be a badass but he was sure the admiration was clear to see from a mile away.

“So, I guess this is it, huh partner?” He said as he handed the Mandalorian’s things over to him.

Din loaded his things onto the speeder and nodded.

“I’ve been away for too long already.”

“I understand.”

He reached out his hand and Din shook it. It felt odd after the hug. The near formal handshake was nothing compared to the intimacy of the hug.

“May our paths cross again soon,” Cobb said similar to their last goodbye.

Din nodded. He couldn’t reply. He wasn’t exactly sure where he would be in the future. If he truly would never see the kid again, well, then he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with himself.

“Ye’re always welcome, Mando.”

“Thank you, marshal.”

With that, he got on his speeder and left Mos Pelgo. He had to go see Peli and thank her for keeping the ship safe, if she had.

Peli had taken care of it just fine. It was perhaps a bit sandy from standing out in the open for almost a week, but everything else was intact.

He paid her, thanked her, and apologized about a hundred times for worrying her. See, that was a nicer way to get yelled at by her. That had been a welcome distraction from his growing nerves.

He had definitely been away for too long. What if Luke had come for him and he hadn’t been there? He hadn’t told anyone where he was going or how long he would be away.

He rushed back to Nevarro, unable to stop his hopes from getting up. What if Grogu was there waiting for him? Would he run over and greet him happily? Would he be mad that he gave him up? He still hoped beyond all fear that the kid would forgive him.

When he finally arrived back on Nevarro he was greeted by Greef. He found himself ignoring the man and looking around to see if anyone had come for him. To see if there was maybe an X-wing standing somewhere, but he saw nothing. He had hurried back, in a somewhat dangerous way, just to find out that nobody had come to look for him. He was disappointed, to say the least.

He walked down the streets of Nevarro over to his room, feeling out of it once more. Mentally he was kind of beating himself up for letting himself get hopeful. What was the point anyway? It made absolutely no sense to think Luke would come back with Grogu. Why would he do that? He was a nobody, remember? The taxi service. Someone who knew nothing of the force or childcare or… anything that mattered. He wasn’t strong enough to train him, or skilled enough to teach him other forms of fighting, or mentally capable of teaching him how to deal with evil. He definitely wasn’t smart enough to teach him important things about the worlds.

Well, maybe he could teach him some words in Basic… Maybe even some Mando’a… He could teach him colors, and shapes, and numbers…

He knew there was no point to him, because none of those things were special. Luke could teach him all of those things. Hell, anyone could.

He looked around the square to see if maybe Bes or Lenta were around to cheer him up. He didn’t recognize anyone for a moment, but then he spotted the little girl from a week ago. She was looking at him and smiling. He noticed she was holding the doll he knew close to her chest.

He hesitated before waving at her. The little girl waved back with a big grin.

Suddenly a woman’s voice rang across the square.

“Y’sanna, dinner time!”

Surprisingly, the girl with the doll turned to face the lady.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh please let me know your thoughts 🥰
> 
> Just a quick note: I have surgery this week and I don't know how the healing process will go, so there might be a little bit more time between this and the next chapter. Sorry! 😬


	9. A Welcome Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This little girl, she couldn't be… Was that really... her? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so, since I am still recovering from surgery and today is my birthday, I figured today is the best day for this self-indulgent chapter. I hope you enjoy! 🥰

“Y’sanna, dinner time!” A woman’s voice rang across the square. Surprisingly, the girl with the doll turned to face the lady.

Din froze in the middle of his wave. His eyes widened and he drew in a breath so sharp his helmet hissed. Had he heard that right? It couldn’t be… Was she really…?

The girl. The little girl. With the doll. The little girl who had tucked her doll into his arms just last week… The sweet little girl who had gently kissed the cheek of his helmet… The little girl who had made him question things he had never questioned before… things like hugging Grogu… _Kissing_ Grogu… It had made him regret things even more and yet… holding that pillow close and pretending he could allow himself to show a form of… a word he refused to use, even in his own head… it had changed things for him.

The last time he had kissed anyone was when he was eight and kissing his mom and dad, and yet that little girl right there, had made him think of kissing Grogu’s tiny little cheek. Of smiling at him, telling him he would miss him, and giving him a gentle little smooch. It was a thought he could barely admit to himself, let alone anyone else, but it had been there.

And now that lady over there, one of her mothers, was saying that this little girl… was Y’sanna? No, that couldn’t be right. His ears were playing tricks. His head was being mean. Y’sanna was gone. This little girl was just… The same shape… and height… and now that he was looking at her, probably also the same age. But it wasn’t her. She couldn’t be.

“Y… Y’sanna?” He uttered.

It wasn’t loud enough for the girl to have heard it, but she knew exactly who he was and what her name gave away. So she looked back at him and smiled shyly.

Din’s legs took him over to the little girl before he could stop himself. He wasn’t sure just how many people shared the name Y’sanna, but in all his years of life, he had only ever met one person with that name. One, rather special, little eight-year-old girl. One young, little, eight-year-old _foundling_.

“Y’sanna?” He repeated, to make sure he had truly heard it right. He was afraid to get his hopes up but… everything fit. Her height, her species, her age… Was she one of the kids he had thought was gone..?

She looked up at his visor, her hands around her back. She moved from side to side as if suddenly shy about her secret being revealed.

“Hi.” She said, her smile sheepish.

She had known it was him from the start. His armor was the obvious giveaway. But Din couldn’t have known it was her; he had never seen her without her helmet on.

Din sank to his knees and engulfed her in a hug so quickly the girl yelped in surprise. She laughed, dropped the doll, and hugged him back tightly. She buried her face in his neck and held on so tightly it hurt. The beskar definitely wasn’t the nicest thing to hug, but she was just so happy to finally be able to hug him. All this time she had seen him being sad and angry and there had been nothing she could do. The man who saved her had told her nobody could ever know who she was, and she had already broken that promise by telling her new mommies about her past.

So she hugged, and she hugged him _tight,_ because he was the only thing left of that time of her life.

The hug didn’t last long though, Din wanted to get a good look at her. He needed to make sure that what he thought he was seeing was true, and that she was okay, and not _gone_ like he had thought.

“It’s you…” His eyes scanned her body. She was fine. There were no obvious wounds or scars or anything. She looked healthy. He shook his head as he tried to put the pieces together. Sure, he had never seen her without the helmet, but he had thought that he would’ve at least recognized her voice if he ever got to see her again. Then again, the state her armor had been in… he had been certain she was gone.

He watched as she nodded and then pulled a guilty face. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“No…” He shook his head as he moved his hands to her shoulders. “You are the best news I’ve had in weeks.” He thought about what she had done. The kindness of placing her doll in his arms for him to hold and pretend it was his foundling... It had been so compassionate, to begin with, but knowing it was _her_ …? He didn’t have the words to describe how that made him feel.

The young foundling reached out and touched the helmet where she had kissed it earlier that week. Her voice was quiet and small when she spoke. “I’ve missed you.”

Din breathed in deeply. Oh, how that hurt and warmed his heart at once. He wondered how he had made enough of an impact on this one little girl to deserve the kindness and the care he was receiving from her.

“Oh Y’sanna, I’m sorry…” He closed his eyes tightly. “I was busy-”

“With your foundling, I know. It’s okay.” She cut him off warmly.

How long had it been? She seemed so grown all of a sudden. Had she turned nine in the meantime? Had more time passed than he had thought? Had it really only been two weeks since he had lost Grogu? Only a week since her kindhearted actions?

He was glad she had cut him off. What had he even started to say? I was busy being lost? Busy missing a kid I tried not to get attached to? Busy hurting and being numb all at once?

“I have two mommies now.” Y'sanna continued as if Din hadn't been lost in his head. She looked over her shoulder at her mothers. They smiled and hugged each other closer.

“Do they know..?” Din asked carefully. He wasn’t sure how she had found them, or how they had found her. Maybe they didn’t know anything about her past and were now seeing her hugging a strange man…

She turned back to him and nodded, before placing her hand on the back of Din’s helmet and pressing their foreheads together. The Mandalorian greeting they had both been taught. The greeting they would do every single time after Y’sanna had cried and then pulled herself together again.

It took Din just about all of his energy to keep it together and not break down on the spot. This was genuinely the best news he had gotten in a long time. She was alive and well. In fact, she looked _happy_. She seemed healthy and well taken care of. He knew she went to the school, and her mothers seemed to love her just as much as she deserved.

He moved away and refused himself the urge to hold her face in his hands and fix her hair. He wanted to look at her for another standard hour, just so he would never forget what she looked like now that she was happy.

He remembered the sounds of her crying, and the feeling of her sobbing against his back very well. It was a very nice change to see her smiling.

In the corner of his visor, he could see her mothers making their way over to them. He found himself feeling rather nervous. Had she told them about him? Did they know the state he had been in for the past two weeks? Could he look them in the eye if they gave him pitiful looks?

“Hi. You must be Din.” One of the women said as she extended a hand. She was smiling. Nothing about her seemed pitiful or judgmental. In fact, she seemed just as nervous as him.

Din quickly hauled himself off the ground and back to an I’m-not-at-all-close-to-a-breakdown position.

“I am.” He took her hand and shook it.

“It’s nice to meet you, Din. I’m Ell-ona Hextar, and this is my wife Pirias.” The other lady smiled sadly at him.

He nodded politely. “Ell-ona, Pirias, it’s very nice to meet you. I see you’re taking good care of Y’sanna.”

Pirias looked Chalactan, and Ell-ona looked Onderonian. He could be wrong, his classes on people from different planets had been a long time ago, far before he met Y’sanna. Either way, they looked… friendly.

He looked back down at the girl and his knees buckled. He had thought… He had thoroughly believed that she was gone. The harm that had been done to her armor… The gaping hole in the middle of her helmet… He had been certain that she was gone, and yet here she was, alive and smiling.

He pretended he had just been on his way down again anyway, just to be at her height, but the three ladies were definitely onto him. He tried his best to ignore their sorrowful looks.

“It’s so good to see you, Y’sanna…” He hesitated. “Is it okay for me to see you?”

Y’sanna nodded with a smile. Yes, it was totally okay. She had decided she never wanted to put the helmet on again. The tribe had saved her life but… beside Din and a few other Mandalorians… they hadn’t treated her right. She had been deeply unhappy in the tribe but had nowhere else to go.

“I…” Y’sanna hesitated as well. “I uhh… saw your face too… the other day…” She nervously played with her fingers and couldn’t get herself to look up.

Din moved backward in shock. He had forgotten. For a blissful couple of days, he had forgotten about the day he had run into the market without his helmet on. He was, now that he was thinking about it, okay with her seeing his face, but he really wished that it had been his own choice.

The little girl was reaching out and started to apologize, but Din waved it off.

“It’s okay.” He whispered.

Was he going to show his face to them now? There would be no way for him to hide. No way for him to pretend he was fine. He knew his face would give things away. He hadn’t needed to have a game-face for a lot of years after all. Still, he wanted to share this with her.

His hands were shaking as they moved up to his helmet. He was ready to do this. Probably…

Slowly, he pushed the helmet up. He watched as the visor moved up, and for a moment he could see nothing but the inside of the helmet. Before he could fully remove the helmet he felt two small hands on top of his own, halting his movements.

“You don’t have to…” He could hear the worry in her voice.

He tried to shake his head, but it was hard with the placement of his helmet. “No… It’s okay…” He still sounded hesitant, but that was just because this was still so new. He was sure that he was okay with _her_ seeing his face. He had allowed complete strangers to see his face. Strangers, half-friends, real friends, and Grogu. If anyone else was worthy, it was one of the foundlings.

Slowly, the helmet came up completely and revealed just who he was. The little girl’s eyes scanned over his face. He watched as her lips curled up and her eyes got all crinkly. It was a cute look. He couldn’t help but smile himself. It was just too nice a moment not to.

He could feel her mothers’ eyes burning into his skin. He felt vulnerable and exposed. He was okay with her seeing him, but others… well that was still hard to be okay with. He felt stressed and naked and like he was doing something that wasn’t allowed. Well, it hadn’t been. He had refused himself for so long. Even though he knew it was his own choice it was still so incredibly hard. He focused on the foundling’s smile, growing and growing, and slowly everything felt okay again.

He shrugged after a moment of silence. “So… this is me.”

His eyes moved to one of Y’sanna’s hands and when he realized she was reaching out to touch his face, he quickly reached out himself and grabbed her wrist to stop her.

He slowly breathed out a sigh to calm the panic in his heart, before shaking his head.

“I’m sorry…” He continued to shake his head. “I can’t…” He closed his eyes because he simply couldn’t face the sadness in hers.

Y’sanna took her hand back and placed them both behind her back. “It’s okay.” She answered sweetly.

Din opened his eyes again and they showed exactly what he was feeling. Gratitude. The little girl shrugged with a smile. She might not understand that the only one who had touched his face since his parents was Grogu, but she understood that it was a tough situation. She hadn’t been great with touch at first either.

“When did you put that thing on?” Ell-ona asked carefully. She could see how uncomfortable he was at being exposed.

“I was about her age.”

Ell-ona barely concealed a gasp. “…and when did you first take it off?”

“In front of others? A couple weeks ago…”

“You were in that tribe for that long?”

Din shrugged. “They saved my life, my parents died, I had nowhere to go, they took care of me, I wasn’t…” He paused. This was very personal, and yet he couldn’t get himself to stop talking. Even as he thought about not wanting to say these things, they just came out. He just talked faster and faster. “…I wasn’t happy, or looking forward to a future or anything, I was just working and training and working and training and then the kid came along and he was a mission and then somehow everything changed and-”

He heaved a sigh.

“…the kid…”

“Your foundling.” Y’sanna understood. Her hand reached out, but she pulled it back again.

Din nodded at her. He was thankful that she wanted to comfort him but the touch was just a tad too much.

“ _Grogu_. He changed things.”

“Where is he now?” Y’sanna questioned before either of her mothers could stop her.

Din swallowed heavily. _Not here. Not where he should be. Not in my arms like your doll made me think._

“He’s uhm… sort of at a school… Just one where he can’t… get attached.” _To me._

He didn’t say the last part but he didn’t have to for them to know it.

"I hope he comes back soon," Y'sanna said sweetly, reaching out for Pirias her hand.

"I…" _don't know if he ever will._ "...hope so too."

That thought got him lost in his head again. He really needed to work on that. He thought about the things he hoped for. For Grogu to come back. For Grogu to forgive him. For Grogu to want to be hugged, even if only for a moment. For Grogu to be happy. For Grogu to make his cute little noises again. Oh stars, how he missed those soft little coos.

Ell-ona and Pirias shared a sad look as they watched Din get lost in his thoughts. His face was sad, his eyes glassy. They knew he drank to deal with his pain. They wondered just how much alcohol was in his system right now. They didn't quite understand this school thing but they knew he had been gone for a long time. They knew he hadn't seen him in forever and that he wasn't sure if he ever would again. 

"Uhm…. Our dinner is getting cold." Pirias said, awakening Din from his saddened thoughts. "There's enough for the four of us, if you'd like."

Din shook his head and got up again. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ell-ona spoke up before Din could refuse. "You're welcome to crash at our place." She knew he must be lonely. Maybe it would do him some good.

It was meant well, but as she looked him over and inspected the broken look in his eyes, they both knew the kind of crashing that would cause. So Din shook his head once more. 

"Perhaps another time?" She asked. 

Din forced a smile and nodded. "Thank you."

Y'sanna hugged him around his waist and refused to let go for a moment. "Please visit us soon."

"I'll try." It was all he could say. He was happy to see her, and he'd love to see her be happy some more, but the thought of being in their _home_ , and watching their happy little _family…_ it was too much. He didn’t have either of those.

"It was nice to meet you, Din," Pirias said as a way to end the conversation. It was time for them to part. Din nodded at her. 

"Likewise. Pirias. Ell-ona." He looked down again. "Y'sanna." He smiled sadly. "I'm glad you're okay." He took another moment to look at her and then turned around with a quick wave. It was time to go and fast. He was not about to break down in front of her.

He walked past Greef who joined by his side. He had seen some of it happening and he had questions. Many questions.

"Who was that?" Was a start.

"She was one of the foundlings." He glanced over to her and watched as she waved happily. He waved back quickly and then hid his face in his helmet once again. 

"I thought she was dead."

"Well, son of a mudscuffer." Some good news at last.

Y'sanna watched as Din walked away. She watched as he looked over and then quickly hid his face again. She thought about the day a week earlier. Of how sad he had been, and how lonely he had looked as he napped next to the school. 

She had felt so bad for him. He had hugged his empty arms close to his chest and she had known exactly who he was missing. 

It had been hard. To see that and to know who he was and not have him know who she was. She had spent plenty of days sitting in school seeing him through the slits of the windows. She had walked past him after school so many times and every single time she had thought about walking over to him and telling him who she was. 

Her mothers, as well as the man that saved her, had forbidden her to tell anyone about her past. She knew it was for her own safety, but with Din… she had hoped that her mommies would let her. She had asked, no, _begged_ to let her go to him. He had been there for her when she was sad. How could she not be there for him now that he was sad? But they had said no.

So she had watched him every day. She had watched him as he panicked and yelled and cursed while looking for a little ball. She had watched him as he sat near the school and sniffled when kids were laughing. And one sad afternoon, she had watched him nap in the sun and hug his lonely arms to his chest.

She had known about his foundling and that the covert fell apart because of them. But then her mommies had told her that he was sad because he lost his son, and she thought that maybe the other Mandalorians hadn’t wanted to admit just how much this foundling had meant to him.

Y’sanna knew she wasn’t allowed to tell him who she was, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t try to help, right? So when his arms had loosened up, she had tucked her doll into his grip in the hopes that it would make him feel better.

She had watched him hug the doll close and it had warmed her heart. Sure, when he threw the doll away and it broke it had hurt. Especially because it was him who did it… but then he had apologized and fixed her doll and she had told herself that he had just been scared. Just like she had been, he was scared and alone.

She had wanted to tell him who she was so badly. She really didn’t want to disappoint her new mommies, but she knew there was one thing she could say to him that might give it all away.

“I hope your foundling is okay.” She had said it in such a way that she hoped he’d ask her how she knew, but she had been called away before he had the chance to respond.

She had been thinking about him a lot since then. It had been a tough week. The reminders of her time in the tribe, hidden away from everyone, even herself, had been very hard on her. Din had been kind, kinder than the others had liked…

Her mothers had been angry that week, or rather, _frustrated_. They had been frustrated because after all this time and hard work, she was having trouble sleeping again. Thinking about Din was nice, but all the bad things came along with it. The memory of her parents’ death and her lonely aching nights in the covert when Din hadn’t been there to comfort her. Not that he had known how to comfort her, but during the days he was there, he would sit with her while she cried. Those memories were nice.

But… all the other memories… the pain, the loneliness, the darkness… they haunted her.

She knew her mommy and mama were angry at the tribe for how they had treated her, and no matter how much she explained Din wasn’t like that, they were angry with him too. She hoped they liked him better now.

They knew he was hurting, and now they also knew that he was kind. Those things must help the way they looked at him. If not, she’d have to tell them about the kind things she remembered from her time in the tribe.

“Y’sanna, stop dreaming and eat your dinner,” Ell-ona said warmly.

She knew what her daughter was thinking about and to be honest, it scared her. The poor girl had been through a lot. Ell-ona and her wife were trying very hard to figure out a way to move past it, but the more reminders she got, the more she seemed to be lost in her head. Very similarly to how they watched Din get lost in his head too.

She smiled at her daughter, squeezed her hand on the table, and then looked at her wife. Pirias nodded at her with a sad smile.

“We’ll invite him over to dinner again soon, okay dear?”

They both smiled at their little girl. “I think he just needs a little more time.”

Y’sanna smiled at her mothers. Well, at least they seemed to not be mad at him anymore. That was nice. She turned back to her dinner with a smile.

Din walked with Greef for a little bit, but found himself so lost in his thoughts that he’d rather just be alone. He wasn’t sure if Greef needed him for anything but whatever it was, it would have to wait. This one interaction, on top of his week on Tatooine, were just a little bit too much for him. He needed time to be alone with the thoughts he would later deny ever having.

He walked back to his room, lied down on the bed, and pressed the pillow to his chest. The sigh he let out faltered and he hugged the pillow closer.

Y’sanna had been taken in by people who were now her family. They were showering her with love and hugs and kisses, and as hard as it was to admit this to himself… he found himself wishing for exactly that.

He closed his eyes and carefully allowed himself to daydream about himself and Grogu in a similar way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More soon 🥰


End file.
